What Economic Crisis? I've Got It Covered!
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I don't understand why everyone is so worried about the economy. People say that there's nothing safe to invest in and credit lines everywhere are frozen. Credit crisis, schmedit crisis! There's plenty of things to do with your money and lots of ways to earn more. With things likely to go from worse to even worse, this is the perfect time to take action. Play close attention while I outline a plan that will have you singing "We're In the Money" in no time.
1. Stockpile Xanax. Can you say, "capitalize on a bad situation"? It's going to be a bumpy ride in the financial markets for a while so you might as well profit from others' discomfort. Yes, that IS what got us into this mess in the first place but that's no reason to not take advantage of it. I have plenty of websites in my spam folder which are just waiting to sell you as much as you need at "very big discount".
2. Cash in your gold fillings. In this market, the only thing that is currently increasing in value is precious metals, so yank those puppies out. Besides, you'll never miss the use of those teeth because you won't be able to afford food.
3. Start drinking. Take what little money you have left and hit the liquor store. This won't earn you money, but at least you won't care about how broke you are.
4. Make and sell Obama signs. Rumor has it that they're hard to come by so you'll be providing a valuable service (even if you're for That Other Guy).
5. Put your money in your scrapbook. You don't want to forget what it looks like, do you?
6. Buy everything you want while you still can, then go bankrupt. Hey, with everyone else going bankrupt, they'll barely notice you.
7. Invest in tuna. Glenn Crake says cats make good eatin'. If you invest in tuna, you'll have a supply to bait them in and plenty to eat yourself if pickens are slim.
8. Try the Nigerian Letter trick. After all, people in Nigeria now have more money than you do. How do you think they got rich? I have a copy you can borrow in my spam folder.
9. Take up lap dancing. Hey, some things are recession-proof and this one pays you in C-A-S-H.
10. Cancel your cable TV. Better yet, sell your TVs and radios. There's not going to be any good news on there for a long, long time so why continue to pay for it?
See? I told you there were options. Now don't you feel better already?
2. Cash in your gold fillings. In this market, the only thing that is currently increasing in value is precious metals, so yank those puppies out. Besides, you'll never miss the use of those teeth because you won't be able to afford food.
3. Start drinking. Take what little money you have left and hit the liquor store. This won't earn you money, but at least you won't care about how broke you are.
4. Make and sell Obama signs. Rumor has it that they're hard to come by so you'll be providing a valuable service (even if you're for That Other Guy).
5. Put your money in your scrapbook. You don't want to forget what it looks like, do you?
6. Buy everything you want while you still can, then go bankrupt. Hey, with everyone else going bankrupt, they'll barely notice you.
7. Invest in tuna. Glenn Crake says cats make good eatin'. If you invest in tuna, you'll have a supply to bait them in and plenty to eat yourself if pickens are slim.
8. Try the Nigerian Letter trick. After all, people in Nigeria now have more money than you do. How do you think they got rich? I have a copy you can borrow in my spam folder.
9. Take up lap dancing. Hey, some things are recession-proof and this one pays you in C-A-S-H.
10. Cancel your cable TV. Better yet, sell your TVs and radios. There's not going to be any good news on there for a long, long time so why continue to pay for it?
See? I told you there were options. Now don't you feel better already?
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