I adore my oldest son. He’s 19, smart, funny, and one of the most musically talented people that I know. Sometimes, however, I can’t help but worry that somewhere along the line, something didn’t develop fully in his brain: synapses failed to connect, a switch didn’t get turned on, a neuron failed to fire.
Maybe it was that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant. Who knows? But every once in awhile, in spite of my best parenting efforts and for no apparent reason, this otherwise intelligent boy comes up with the most incredibly bad ideas.
When he was three, he jumped off the back of the sofa to see what it would feel like to fall. When he was five, he decided to eat dog food to see why the dog liked it so much. When he was seven, he attempted to do bike stunts on a non-trick bike, earning himself a full face plant in the street. At age ten, he decided that red Twizzlers were the perfect food to eat while feeling nauseous. Twenty minutes later, he proceeded to hurl red licorice chunks all over his light-colored bedroom carpet when we were scheduled to show our house the next day.
I won’t even go into all of his bad ideas involving school or girls.
In my experience as a parent, I’ve learned that there are bad ideas and there are worse ideas. This time, my son has evidently left the world of bad ideas and landed right into the realm of being out of his ever-loving mind. My son, my beautiful boy, whose birth brought me to death’s door, has announced that he wants to get a tattoo.
You might be thinking, big deal; lots of teenagers get tattoos. My son isn’t like other teenagers, though. My son suffers from vasovagal syncope. In other words, he’s a fainter.
I’ve written in the past about vasovagal syncope, the condition that everyone in my family shares. All of us are weenies and will pass out at the sight of blood, but none of us are as bad as my son. Even though he won’t admit it, he is the weeniest of all of us. He gets woozy just hearing the word blood. How on earth will he survive the poking, the needles, and the bleeding of a tattoo without passing out?
“Please tell me you’re kidding about getting a tattoo, Ryan.”
“No, Mom, I’m totally serious. I’m going to get a tattoo of a cow skull on my left arm. I think it will look really cool.”
“A cow skull? On your arm? You’d pass out before they moved the first needle.”
“I’m not going to pass out, Mom. It will be fine. Really.”
“Ryan, you pass out all the time. How are you going to get a tattoo if you pass out just thinking about blood?”
“I don’t pass out just thinking about blood.”
“Yes, you do. Remember when you passed out in science class while learning about the Ebola virus?”
“That was two years ago. I’m over it now.”
“Over it? You nearly passed out when your father was talking about how he cut his hand the other day. How are you going to handle getting a tattoo?”
“It will be fine, Mom. I’m not going to pass out.”
“Would you listen to yourself? I think you’re delusional. You pass out from paper cuts! Getting a tattoo is an absolute guarantee that you’ll end up on the floor.”
“Honestly, Mom, you worry too much.”
“This is not about worrying. I just don’t think you’ve given this serious thought. People who pass out from witnessing or thinking about blood typically don’t run off to the tattoo parlor. Do you even have any idea what’s involved in getting one?”
“I just won’t look.”
“Well what about the pain from the needles? I’ve heard it can be awfully painful. How are you going to deal with that? Besides, aren’t you the same guy who passed out when his girlfriend gave blood at the Red Cross?”
“I only passed out because there was this huge bag of..., er, you know,that stuff right in front of me. I doubt they’ll have bags of plasma at the tattoo place.”
“You can’t even say the word!”
The more I attempted to dissuade him, the more the conversation deteriorated. He is apparently convinced that getting a tattoo is now his mission in life. It’s what he needs to do. Is it an effort to prove something to himself? Will it make him feel strong and brave and courageous if he can successfully get a tattoo without passing out?
I know that it’s only a matter of time before he comes home with one; whether or not the tattoo is complete or not is a different matter. He may go in hoping to get a tattoo of a cow skull but may leave with a tattoo of a flea: one tiny dot from passing out when the first needle hits his arm.
Even though I don’t understand his logic for wanting one, or his choice to ignore his issues with fainting, I have to accept that he is a grown man now and can get a tattoo if he wants one.
I just hope he doesn’t come home with a cracked skull from falling off of the tattoo table after he’s passed out. I wouldn’t want to pass out from hearing him tell me the story.
Comments
The issue may be the blood AFTER it's over. That means fun for the entire family! Good luck!!
I did the same song and dance when my sons wanted ear piercings. they got them. then they let them close. I still remind them I can SEE the holes.
I wish I could say to you, RESIST. but while you do, he'll push harder so maybe the best path of resistance is the least resistance. say nothing. but look pained.
I'd be one of those women who tries to avoid having an epidural not because of some views on natural childbirth, but because the idea of a needle in my back creeps me the hell out.
As part of breast reconstruction, I'm having my (newly constructed) nipples tattooed in the spring. Everyone reacts with horror to this but the new girls are pretty numb. Still, I envision myself in a waterfront tattoo parlor (I'll have to go some ways to find one, since I live in a landlocked state), neon sign flashing, merchant marines getting their biceps inked on either side of me. In this vision, I sneer at them, "Ha--think you're tough? I'm getting my NIPPLES tattooed!" They don't need to know I'll barely feel it.
tattoos are a rite of passage, a cow skull though?? aren't skulls and roses kind of generic? (get him on that angle and then just keep offering new suggestions ;)
Safest he finds out what's involved and then he can faint in the privacy/safety of home.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want advice for him *grins*
You tube about tattoos before hand so he passes out at home, or drag the camera in and post the video on youtube so that he becomes a fark joke?
The first might prevent this occurrence, the second could either provide years of solutions to these types of problems (hey remember what happened when you tried to get a tattoo?) or turn him into balloon boy's dad.
R
As someone else suggested, perhaps get him to check out a YT.
Good luck!
:-)
Jen - "Fun for the entire family" - you do know me, don't you? :)
No Frills - You're right. After my conversation with him, I realized that I'd totally messed up. I shouldn't have said anything. My objections only make him want to do it more. Looking pained is my permanent expression these days.
Leeandra - Funny epidural story: my husband passed out in Lamaze from just HEARING about epidurals. He didn't even have to get one! Trust me on this: when you're in labor, you will do anything to alleviate that pain. Epidurals are a gift from God.
Susan - A bicycle helmet - brilliant! I do hope you write about your own tattoo experience. With your humor, I can tell already it's going to be a fun read.
Chuck - Oh no, did you eat dog food, too?
J. Lynne - Barfing would add such a welcome dimension to the whole experience, wouldn't it? :)
Julie - I don't get the cow skull either. He is SO not a cow-skull type of guy. There must be a musician or one of his friends that has one.
Cat - You never know. I didn't expect that the son who can't stand to get a shot would even consider a tattoo.
Hourglass Figure - Thank you! Making him watch a procedure on YouTube first is a great idea. Fainting at home is always preferable to fainting in public.
Your son sounds like a great person. When my second daughter was around 1 she started flying off the back of a deep sofa. I think it was just because she liked to fly. Before that she shared grandma's cat food but she was too young to say why. It sure made her happy, though. She is also amazingly talented musically. Coincidence?
I wonder if your son isn't needing to try to beat this disorder. It's what my daughter would have tried to do.
It worked, and I never got anything else pierced, EVER. Tattoos are easier!!!
I guess getting "MOM" tattooed on your arm is so yesterday...
I doubt whether this kid will come home with a tattoo, but I'm looking forward to learning about how it does or doesn't go.
Additionally, if he got the tattoo in a spot *he* can't see, the whole thing would become a non-issue.
But as a Mom, I'll see how I feel 11 years from now when my 19-year-old announces he's getting one. Of course, I won't be in much of a position to argue against it, other than mentioning that I didn't get my first one until my 4th decade on this planet...
John - Do me a favor: refuse to take the pill. Your writing is terrific.
Spotted Mind - Thanks for confirming my suspicions. He has NO IDEA what's involved, does he?
Deborah - Getting her ears pierced? It sounds like your sister belongs in our Weenie club. The more the merrier!
Nerd Cred - Sounds like my son has a soul mate! Bad ideas aside, I'm sure I'd love your daughter.
Jen - Piercing cartilage? I can just imagine how that must sound. Now I feel woozy!
Leepin Larry - I know! A cow skull...who knew? Trends are crazy things.
Maria - Thank you so much! I appreciate you reading my stuff for all this time. Yes, my family does know how to have a good time. One thing is certain: if Ryan does get his tattoo, and he asks me to come along, I'm leaving the barfer at home.
Stim - Yours is the most perfect description of teenaged bad decision-making I've ever read. Thanks for the reassurance that he'll emerge on the other side more or less normal.
Originally, he talked of getting a tattoo of his band name (cooler than a cow skull at least) on his back, so he couldn't see the procedure. Then he realized that if it was on his back, he couldn't see the tattoo either. Whether blood, needles, or pain, this kid is not going to fare well!
Free advice: ALWAYS beware when the nurse says, "the doctor wants to show you something" - especially when she's bringing you to see your husband after he's had a minor outpatient surgical procedure. *ahem*
Who's with me?
(thumbified because tattoo artists have seen it all - and cleaned it up off the floor)
"ne-an-der-thal". What real male would let failure get in the way of desire. You know the rule "your not a man until you've broken a none, had stiches, and lost a tooth" Give him his challenge, they can remove tattoos now with out doing a skin graft.
You are right that trying to talk your son out of this won't work. Mine was telling me for years that he would get tattooed once he turned 18, & that's exactly what he did. I hope that your son will consider the placement of the tattoo, & won't watch it getting done so he won't see any blood. (Larger designs will bleed more.) I also hope that he will go with something ambiguous, like a tribal design, that won't be dated in 10 years... unless there is an image that is meaningful to him that he won't mind wearing in his flesh for a long time. (My son likes dragons, hence his choice for his 2nd one.) Good luck to you and to your son... I hope everything works out for the best. : )
You should film the tattoo gig. It would make a great You Tube video and your son could become famous! Maybe next he'll come home and tell you he's going to school to become a paramedic. ~snicker~
(Fortunately, my son didn't inherit my vasovagal syncope, which would drop me like a stone if he ever appeared with a tattoo).
Good Luck.
So tactful, yet so effective. Talk about bringing my motherly feet back to earth! I sucked it up, sighed deeply, and replied to my daughter that the tattoo was beautiful. All the while secretly giving thanks that it is in black ink so it will be easier to laser off when my sweet precious little darling someday comes to her senses.
@Incandescent: If only I had read your excellent advice a few months ago, all that anguish might have been averted.
My tattoo hurt like hell, and it took three - count 'em, three - tries to get it right. Got my own opinion about which tattoo to get however. Maybe he could do some research on what's out there. There's A-LOT!
As a parent, you always figure out what you should have said after you've done the wrong thing. Here on OS, we cal all cheerfully tell you what you should have done if you haven't figured it out yourself. We can even add a nice, self-righteous touch suggesting that you were pretty darn stupid to not to have reacted with the dispassionate, uninvolved leisure of strangers.
So, here goes: You should have solicitously offered advice on the fainting. Asked him how he was going to deal with it, while hinting you were sure he'd thought about it.
Send him to the tattoo parlor with a large roll of bubble wrap, and remind him that in 60 years whatever skin he chooses to adorn with ink will be sagging miserably.
The great way to kill two birds with one stone, tattoo and nap. No time wasted.
He'll be surprised, I am sure of that.
Tell him that tattoos don't just bleed, the seep blood. Afterward, he'll have to care for his tattoo until it heals - applying oil etc while it scabs over and scars. Also tell him that he should get tested first to see if he is allergic to the ink - if he is and doesn't get tested, he'll have to go through the painful process of getting it removed. Also mention Hepatitis. And tell him he to think about it for 6 months before he does it and if he still wants to do it, find the best, cleanest tattoo parlor around.
I was in London at age 21 in '73, getting a second piercing in one of my ears (everyone in Europe had multiple hoops and OH, I wanted to do the same thing!) I went to a jeweler who did piercings and he put me on a high stool in the center of the store, under the light.
I didn't faint until he had trouble getting the earring in - you know, that queasy probing - and then I promptly fell off the stool, peed on his carpet and when I heard a fuzzy voice trying to wake me up saying "zzzzzz..put your hand in the fan...zzz", I obligingly picked up my hand and tried to direct it into the fan he had moved in front of my face. He then screamed, "No DON"T put your hand in the fan!" (I'm still trying to figure out why he felt he had to tell me that in the first place. ) When I fully came to, I woosily tottered off and the poor guy closed up the shop early to go home and have a drink.
rated
Jodi - Twenty bucks? Aw c'mon! Passing out in a tattoo parlor (and having your kid never speak to you again because you filmed him) has got to be worth more than twenty bucks.
Juliet - Thanks for making me feel better about being worried he'll fall and hit his head. If he goes through with this, I want him to at least take precautions.
Kadena - You faint at the sight of fainting? Wow, you'd fit right in with our family!
mypsyche - Thanks for the luck. He's going to need it!
O'Really - I know...I hear that people who pass out are way hot to members of the opposite sex.
ZaZaCat - I think your approach was much better than mine. Instead of trying to talk him out of it, I should have just expressed designs that were unacceptable. Thanks for the tip about the ink color.
mamoore - Splattered deer aren't an issue. It's such a common sight here in Pennsylvania that I think we're all desensitized to deer guts.
Susan - Yes, getting a tattoo IS the in-thing to do these days. I know that several of my son's friends have them. I wonder if he'd post of himself passed out on his Facebook page?
Incandescent - You are a parenting genius! That is the BEST EVER advice and I am totally going to use it when / if the subject of a tattoo comes up again. At the very least, I'll tell him that I need to come along with him in case he passes out. That should be mortifying enough, yes?
Michael - "No rules, just faint." Bwahaha! By the way, I still haven't been able to go back to Outback.
Sally - His dad thinks that it would be incredibly foolish for him to attempt to get a tattoo and feels certain that he'll pass out. This kid whines for days about paper cuts. I just can't see him taking care of an oozing, bleeding, and scabbing tattoo even if he did make it through the actual procedure of having it done.
espritgui - I know you're right. I've regretted saying anything about it (although, like Incandescent said, I should have said that I'd get a matching tattoo.) He's my oldest so I'm still making parenting mistakes on him. Hopefully I'll do better with the next two.
Steve - Oh, yes...he's my (former) Axe-wearer. To his credit, he never did go back to wearing that nasty stuff. My olfactory senses are extremely grateful for that.
Stellaa - I love you. XOXO :)
mynameise - Oh my...I hadn't even considered that it might take multiple times to get the tattoo right. I really need to compile all of these Worst Possible Outcomes in one place for him.
Malusinka - Your comment made me chuckle. Of course, we all do our best parenting after the fact. :)
Iron Skillet - One thing I've learned is that teenagers have no concept of aging. I think in their half-baked brains, they believe they'll be young forever. I do like the idea of the bubble wrap. He's 6'5" so I'm going to need a lot of it!
Mary - I know! Just say NO to Jackass. Where on earth do they get those people? If it weren't for half-baked teen brains, there'd be no show.
FLW - Bwahaha! Your comment has me cracking up just imagining it: " he'll wind up with whatever tattoo the tattoo artist decides they want to put on a sleeping 19-year old."
Jess - But of course: a nap mat AND bubblewrap. Perfect!
catnlion - A tat and a nap! They should start a franchise like that.
Ric - OUCH! Well, I don't know if your story has done much to dissuade my son, but it's certainly made ME never want to get one (not like I needed a lot of convincing since I'm a total weenie.)
Marcelle - Between your comment and Ric's, he should definitely change his mind. Thanks!
Owl - That's the trouble with a half-baked brain: it makes them SEEM like good ideas at the time. :)
Surly - Yes, Catnlion and I are going to start a franchise: a Tat and a Nap.
Ardee - Oh my gosh, what an experience! I'm sure that guy had quite a story to tell his family at dinner that night. Thanks for stopping by. Us vasovagal folks need to stick together. :)
Mungular - I don't get the appeal of the cow skull either. I thought maybe it was because I'm not hip.
merwoman - Aren't you glad you have dogs? Their bad ideas are much more harmless.
Neil - Does a cold cloth on the back of your neck really work if you're going to pass out? This tip will be invaluable in my family if it does!
I went to make sure the needles were clean. I sweat through the entire thing. I was unstable on my feet after it was over. She has since gone back five or six times for more, including a tatoo on her arm that says in French, ""I love My Ma and Dad." But I never went with her again.
Anyway, as someone who has a few tattoos (and planning on getting many more), you're not going to be able to talk him out of it. If you want to delay it a little, you might want to ask him if a cow skull is what he'll really want to be looking at when he's 29 (see my post from last year: http://open.salon.com/blog/aaroncynic/2008/11/23/ink)
Since then I've slowly been adding, but I wait quite awhile between getting ideas and actually going through with them. If you're planning on having something permanent, you can wait the extra few months to make sure you really want it.
Ben - I love your comment! You are a great dad. I hope I can be that strong if he invites me to come along.
Aaron - Thanks for pointing me to your tattoo post. I found it very comforting as it helped me to understand his motivation in wanting one even though he has VVS. Your advice is sound. I'm going to be sure to (ever so subtly) suggest the importance of time in deciding upon a design.
Eva - I think you're right; he probably wants one for a deeper reason than just to have a tattoo. Thanks for your good wishes. Hopefully all will go well with no fainting injuries!
When I was sixteen, I was seriously considering getting a tattoo. Most of my friends had at least one, and it seemed like a cool thing to have. So, when my friend Teddy decided to pay a visit to Big Joe's Tattoo Parlor, I figured "What the heck?" and went with him.
After watching them start on his tattoo, I decided I'd rather have an earring.
Tell Ryan before he decides to get one for himself to simply try and sit through a friend getting one.
He'll change his mind fast, I'll wager.
Rated. Good luck with that, btw. :-D
Reflections - Yep, I'm shooting for age 25 before I consider my son's brain as being fully baked.
Bill - Having him watch a friend get tattooed is excellent advice! If he can survive that, then he at least has a chance of surviving the tattoo. P. S. You're not late; you're right on time. :)
Sarah - Do you think Erma had to deal with vasovagal sons wanting tattoos? Thank you so much for stopping by. XOXO