I’ve been having an interesting time lately reconnecting with people from my past on Facebook. There’s nothing like reuniting with an old friend to envelop you in those warm and fuzzy memories. In my recent Facebook experiences, however, the emphasis appears to be on the fuzzy rather than on the warm.
Being forty-something, I have officially landed in the category known as Mid-Life. My days are a blur of working, raising children, running a business, volunteering, worrying over aging parents, and angsting over my own assorted neuroses. In trying to keep my busy life humming along, I tend to forget some things, such as what I was doing 30 years ago and who was doing it with me.
I’m embarrassed to admit that there are currently people listed as Friends on my Facebook page that I have no idea who they are. It’s true. They all claim to know me, of course, but are unable to offer enough information that I can recall interacting with them. I can tell that we went to the same high school because it says so on their Profile page, but beyond that, they might as well be random names in the phone book. I have absolutely no memory of these people.
While it’s true that I probably shouldn’t have friended them in the first place, it seems to me that all of us could benefit from learning a few helpful, effective ways of jogging the similarly rusty memories of our intended Friend-targets. Here are some tactics I suggest:
- Embrace the concept of sending an introductory message along with your Friending request. Think about it. You’re attempting to reconnect with someone who has last seen you 20 or 30 years ago. In my world, that’s 3 kids and 40,000 brain cells ago. Give me some clue as to how you know me. Take a minute and include a note reminding me of how we’re acquainted, such as “Remember the time we let the gerbil loose in the band room and it got stuck inside Steve’s tuba?”
- Don’t just say that we went to high school together. Telling me that we went to high school together is like saying that we both lived on Planet Earth together. Isn’t there something more specific about you that you could share? Did we have friends in common? Were we in a club together? Did you steal my boyfriend? Be specific!
- Be realistic. In your note, include something other than we had math class together in 7th grade. I know, I know...7th grade math class is a specific detail. At my age, though, I’m lucky I can remember how to domath, let alone remember who sat next to me in math class. Information such as this is not even remotely helpful to me. Telling me that you used to copy off of my paper in math class is infinitely better and has the added bonus of making me feel sorry for causing you to flunk math.
- Do not ask if you and I used to date. I might not remember what I ate for breakfast, but I promise you that I remember every single person I’ve ever dated. If you honestly can’t remember whether or not you’ve dated someone, then your memory is worse than mine and you probably shouldn’t be trusted to drive or dress yourself. Besides, if you can’t remember if you dated me or not, then you definitely didn’t. For no other reason, my dysfunctional family would have left an impression on you even if you found me totally forgettable.
- Volunteer a few details from your own life. Please do not simply send me a message asking me how I’m doing. Share some details from your own life so I can figure out who you are. I have this middle-aged affliction called CRS: Can’t Remember Shit. I have trouble remembering my phone number half the time. Don’t expect me to remember who you are simply from your name.
- Women, please tell me your maiden name. Some people still look very much like they did in high school. Others look dramatically different wearing their middle-aged faces. Add a change of hair color to the mix, a few pounds, or the addition of eyeglasses, and you’d be good to go for the Witness Protection Program. Save us both some time and brain cells by telling me your maiden name when you initially message me.
- Wait to Friend people until you’ve added your photo. Unless your name in high school was Britney Spears or Orlando Bloom, chances are I’m going to have a tough time figuring out if I know you. Being able to see your picture makes the task of searching my memory banks much easier. If your picture happens to be of your cocker spaniel or your favorite shoes, then be warned: I’m going to need a whole lot more information from you.
- Don’t write personal stuff – yours or mine -- on my Facebook Wall. If you wouldn’t want your mom, or my kids, to see it, don’t write it on my Wall. That time you thought you had herpes and it turned out to be eczema might be hysterically funny to you, but information like that belongs in a private message, not on my Wall.
- If I tell you that I don’t know you, please don’t insist that I do. Once in a while, I’ll get a Friend Request from someone that I truly do not know. This is different from merely forgetting that I know them; this person is a bonafide, I’ve-never-seen-you-before-in-my-life stranger. No matter how many times you insist that we were best friends in 5th grade, if you lived in one state and I lived in another, I’m going to have to break the news to you that you’re mistaken. When I do, please do not tell me I’m wrong. I might not remember this information when I’m 50 or 60, but for right now, I still remember where I used to live and when.
- If you want to suggest a Friend for me, tell me why. Items #1 through #9 apply for people you are referring to me, also. Don’t put me in the awkward situation of being asked to confirm someone as a friend when I have no idea who they are. Message me about it first and tell me how I should know this person. Don’t let me discover too late that this is the person we convicted and sent to prison during that jury duty stint we did together.
So there you have it; Facebook etiquette for the forgetful and feeble-minded. Now does anyone happen to have a tutorial for all of those Facebook memes and quizzes? I need to learn how to play Mob Wars.
Comments
And Lol at JK
I was recently requested as a friend to a guy I knew in college who ate only french fries (literally). I barely knew the guy. But I "friended" him, and I haven't left a message for him - mainly because the only one I can think of is "do you eat anything besides french fries?"
The consensus was that such Facebook friends make you feel like an absolute success and a horrible failure at the same time.
I got friended by my mortal enemy from the third grade, whom I have not seen or thought about since she moved to Florida when we were eight. She wanted to know if I still drew horses all the time. Well, 1.) I'd completely forgotten that I used to get in trouble for drawing horses all over my notebooks during class and 2.) uh, no, because I'm no longer an eight-year-old girl.
::unfriend::
JK - You really can't remember who you dated? You were obviously more popular than I. And no, you don't sound bitter...much. :)
mamoore - That must be sweet having camp kids look you up. How annoying with the people who want you to pass messages to your sister. That would make me cranky for sure.
Marcelle - I think the Facebook party goes on whethere we're there or not!
Stellaa - I'm glad I'm not the only one!
JustJuli - Oh those quizzes...they're getting a bit edgier, but gosh, can someone give these people a spellchecker? The typos in the quizzes drive me insane.
LandP - I'm laughing at the suggestion that your dog has a better social life than you do. :)
Sandra - I enjoy interacting with the people I actually know, but these oddball ones that come out of nowhere really make me nuts.
Leeandra - Gah! I can't even remember third grade, let alone who was my mortal enemy! Treasure your twenties while you're still in them. It's all downhill after that. The drawing horses question is too funny.
Ann - YES! That's exactly what I mean! Do these people really have better memories than I do? And a different definition of what a "friend" is?
::unfriend::
If 45 is middle aged I may have to rethink my position!
Rated for truthfulness and humor.
Anyway, great post, wish I had thought of it first.
mrs. cap'n laughed at my sister and others who are way into it. then she finally signed up and now is constantly playing at farming or fishing.
i'll tell something to someone i know and they'll say, "i know, I saw mrs. cap'ns facebook status." how irritating.
now she wants me to start playing facebook games. are you kidding me? i already can't afford the time i waste on OS!
Rated
Then another of his female friends wanted to friend me and I didn't friend her back, and for some reason he (my friend) got mad at me, suggesting I was UNfriendly, or elitist or something. He asked why I was on a social networking site if I wasn't going to friend people. He also said it was ridiculous of me to try to 'control' my exposure on such a site and suggested that I drop my facebook account.
I was truly confused. I mean I thought that at 51 I had maybe become ancient.
I feel a lot less socially awkward after reading your post and these comments. Thanks.
denese
worse is when they totally remember details about you and say, I remember you sat next to me in band, you lived here & did this, and you still have NO IDEA who they are. Or only a kinda/sorta/vague idea.
Great post very enjoyable.
An absolutely priceless post, Lisa. Truly funny and deadly accurate.
Ann - Aw, yes. BOC. There's never enough cowbell.
JK - Careful! Your bitter is showing again.
Leonde - Thanks for stopping by! I'm pleased to be sharing some cover space (and a brain!) with you today as well. I guess both of our muses today were pondering Facebook today.
Buffy - :)
Lauren - I can't tell you how happy I am to learn that these types of encounters on Facebook don't just happen to me.
Cap'n - I hear you about the games. It's probably just me, but I really don't get them. I tried to do the farm one once and I couldn't figure it out. Talk about a blow to the ego!
FLW - Oh, you had me cracking up! Glad to know I'm not the only one who's friended someone I didn't know simply because they knew me.
That was, like, breakfast.
Good stuff.
OES - There you go again, making me feel young. You don't need a Facebook page, but if you had one, you, me, and the other crazyflakes could all hang out together. Wheee!
MrComedy - Oh, yeah - that's happened to me too. The CRS is brutal on Facebook.
Ash - Yes. Yes, it does. Buy your Sticky Notes and Gingko Biloba now. :)
Carolyn - Ha ha! The good thing is that all of your classmates are no doubt experiencing the same lapses in memory as you are.
Denese - No way are you 51! Don't feel socially awkward. You've got LOTS of company.
You've only lost 40,000 brain cells since HS?
Lisa (lps) - Yes! You've just described the ultimate Facebook nightmare.
fireeyes - Oh, yes; that's another hazard. Finding out how people know you when it's something that's better off forgotten (yikes!)
m.a.h. - You sure you don't want to wade into the craziness? Thanks for stopping by and for your kind words.
GeeBee - Uh-oh! I feel for your mistake, but thanks for the chuckle you gave me while reading it.
rstiene - I think you might have a few more brain cells than I do. :) Thanks for stopping by and leaving such a nice compliment.
It's easier to be e-friendly.
WriterAdam - So the Facebook amnesia isn't just a middle-aged affliction? Your "e-friendly" term is a keeper.
Say, wanna play Scrabble?
Yeah, it happened to me. Sorry again Lonnie where ever you are!
Faith - I think you're right. Who on earth has 600 friends when they're 18?
Monique - You are witty, girl! I nearly bust a gut laughing from the "outstanding warrant" comment. Ha!
Patricia - I agree. Some people must just friend people indiscriminately in an effort to appear popular. Either that or they want to collect a whole lot of potted plants and Easter eggs (the Facebook "gifts.")
Cartouche - I'm thinking of putting it on my Facebook page. Maybe it will convince those people on my friends list whom I don't know to come clean.
Jess - Oh my. Really? Did that really happen? Too funny!
David - Thank you for always being so kind and supportive. :)
There is a 'block' function. I know, 'cause I used it.
Siobhan - Some people are insistent, aren't they?
Anyway, thank for posting this. I don't do it but if I were to give in and do it - I will use this as my primer.
I always enjoy your posts.
shit, i don't even know what a meme is. or what meta means. or bump. i tried twitter and couldn't figure out what was good about it. i didn't need to know about every meal that ana marie cox had or every guest that rachel maddow had booked. must have done it wrong.
btw, sweets, you got 811 views on a post you thought was ignored. and an EP. that's nothing i would sneeze at. i know i know, it's all relative. love love love
Steve - Thanks for the even 50! I read and enjoyed your Facebook piece very much. Thanks for stopping by.
Duane - 51 is no less special. I appreciate you stopping by to read and comment.
Teddy - I appreciate that you took the time to read this piece since you're not even on Facebook. Thank you!
FB has been a blast for me (age 43). My sister (age 56) says it's sooo "egotistical" posting little things like, "Going to the store in the rain!!! Say a little prayer for me!!!!" or "Making pork chops and gravy for dinner!!!!!"
While I DO think that exclamation points are extremely overused on ALL of FB (!!!), I don't see the egotistical part. If you do something purely for your own enjoyment, is that egotistical? Boring yes ( my friend who posts every Fri that she's "so glad Rob is home" and every Mon that she's "so sad that Rob is gone." Yawn.), cliche'd, yes, trite ("I'll be praying for you" but that's a nice, supportive trite)....egotistical? No.
Whaddaya think?