They'd been taunting me for weeks; those jeans that I used to wear all the time but which are now too tight. After expanding my diet over the holidays to include more celebratory foods, I found that my menu wasn't the only thing that had been expanding. When I tried to put on my favorite pair of jeans and discovered that I couldn't comfortably zip them, I had to admit that it was time to get back on the diet.
I hung the Skinny Jeans in the front of my closet as incentive to reach my goal. Every time I open the closet door, however, the Jeans remind me of how far I still have to go. Instead of feeling inspired, I'm feeling like a failure. Yes, clothing can have that kind of power.
Today the Jeans were especially unkind to me:
Skinny Jeans: Pssst. Hey you...
Me: Me?
SJ: Yes, you. How about you try me on today?
Me: (hesitating) Uh...Maybe some other time.
SJ: Why not today?
Me: I don't have the time.
SJ: You don't have the time, or you know I won't fit?
Me: (sigh) Honestly? I don't have time for all of the crying and self-loathing that will ensue when I discover that you don't fit.
SJ: Ah...and whose fault would it be if I don't fit?
Me: I don't know...
SJ: Oh come on, you can't fool me. I know all about the (cue Music of Impending Doom) chocolate.
Me: (gasp!) You do? I mean, what chocolate?
SJ: All of that chocolate you ate last week. Good lord, woman, you sucked it up like a Hoover. You'll never be able to fit in me if you keep eating chocolate.
Me: The chocolate was for medicinal purposes!
SJ: Medicinal purposes? That's quite a stretch, isn't it?
Me: No, really. Medicinal. PMS can be ugly especially during the winter.
SJ: So what about the week before that? You had chocolate then, too.
Me: (timidly) That was, um, pre-PMS?
SJ: You're pathetic.
Me: (sigh)
SJ: So are you enjoying wearing your fat jeans?
Me: I'm not wearing fat jeans.
SJ: Are you sure?
Me: Well, I'm not wearing my fat-fat jeans. I'm wearing my next-step-down-from-fat jeans
SJ: (mockingly) "I'm wearing my next-step-down-from-fat-jeans"
Me: It's true! I'm making progress. I'd been wearing my fat-fat jeans, but then yesterday, I put on my next-step-down-from-fat jeans and they fit.
SJ: As long as you don't breathe!
Me: I can breathe. I, um, just can't eat or drink anything while wearing them.
SJ: Pathetic...
Me: Look, the least you can do is to try to encourage me.
SJ: The least you can do is stick to your diet.
Me: Alright, that's it! I'm going to fit into you if it's the last thing I do.
SJ: You won't last a day...
Me: Watch it...I'll put you in the donation bag!
SJ: OK, OK... Geez! Can't you appreciate that I'm trying to be helpful?
Me: Helpful? You're abusive!
SJ: I'm sorry. It's just that I miss you. I miss all of the fun we used to have together.
Me: We did have some good times, didn't we?
SJ: We sure did. And we will again.
Me: Yes...
SJ: Now about that hairstyle of yours...
Me: (slams closet door)
Comments
(rated)
You're beautiful inside and out.
Moana - I'll stuff them in the donation bag. Then they'll be sorry!
Dustbowldiva - Wouldn't it be helfpul if we really COULD LMAO? That would save a lot of trouble.
Mary - I hate when that feeling of first putting on a pair of jeans after having washed them. You have do like 47 deep knee bends to stretch them out enough so you can wear them out in public.
Chris - I'm glad to hear that guys have jeans-angst, too. You could very well be right about the Diesel jeans being cut smaller. I know that fit varies widely among women's clothing brands.
Coogansbluf - Your mama probably never had to listen to wise-ass jeans berating her. Smart woman!
Gayle - Thank you! We've got to laugh about it, you know?
Pamela - Battling with the jeans is a constant grind. Thanks for the compliments. :)
Very funny.
I loved this and could picture in my head being there myself.
Great post..
May I suggest burning them over a bonfire fueled by Snickers wrappers?
(thumbified because I think you're perfect and I am not an inanimate object.)
Nice EP. girl!
Hint to make jeans of ANY size fit better--don't put them in the dryer. Get one of those skirt hangers with the clippies at the top and hang them to air-dry instead either outside or by an open window. They'll be a bit stiff when you first put them on, but will fit much better.
Jimmy - What a great idea! Just accept the fact that winter weight gain is inevitable and keep those small sizes quiet in the back of the closet. Genius!
Marple - I don't know but you can have them back; they're mean!
1IM - Yes, but at least they're not the fat-fat-fat jeans.
Julie - Aw, muffin tops. That's a whole 'nother post right there.
m. a. h. - Jeans ARE nasty. But what is the alternative?
Seattle K8 - I love it: a "muffled mumble!"
fireeyes - Wow, drinking actually kept you thin?
Jodi - That's it! A Snickers-wrappers-fueled bonfire. That's even worse than the donation bag. Mwahahaha!
Cathy - I like the idea of hurling them to the back of the closet.
Jess - You're too funny!
Mrs. Michaels - I just had an image of going to the mall and seeing displays touting, "MUTE JEANS! Tired of your jeans insulting you? Buy these!"
Leeandra - I do that now. I hang my jeans up and when they're totally dry, I put them in the dryer for a couple minutes just to soften them. This trick keeps me from having to wear the fat-fat-fat jeans. :)
Great post.
angrymom - Ha ha! I love your muumu Public Service Announcement.
What a great idea for a post! You have such a funny imagination. This was hilarious. (And I could see a whole series here...talking shoes that drag you into bakeries...)
Btw, I also eat chocolate for "medicinal" purposes.
Oops...gotta run..around here, we have talking laundry...and it's telling me I'd better think about throwing in a load one of these months.
I gained I think 15 pm 20 lbs the first 30 days sober. They say it is normal because your body has to adjust to not having it anymore and actually having real food instead..LOL
I will lose it back soon enough, it is slowly dropping off just not fast enough.
Maybe the two of us can find an online work out club and work out together..lol Hey it is idea..
Loved it.
Laurel - Shhhh! ix-Nay on the anx-Spay! ::shudder:: It's much too dangerous to go that route again.
Connie - Ugh, swimsuits! I hope you're going somewhere nice to make up for the torture involved in trying on swimsuits.
fireeyes - I wish that reading and typing were workouts. Then we'd all be thin on OS. Congrats to you for kicking drinking. That can be a hard one.
Yeah I wish it was then we all would be thin..lol Doesn't hurt to dream.
Thank you! for the congrats.
Even if you can't eat, breathe, or ever get rid of the "watermark" the waistband leaves your stomach....
I find it so interesting your clothes talk to you. It must take hours to get dressed in the morning!!!
(hugs)
thanks for putting it into words. dammit.
http://www.ideafinder.com/showcase/products/plp0161.htm
That is way too funny. Maybe even funnier than the post, which was really funny. Yay!
great post!!
Melissa - Spanx and I aren't on speaking terms. Click on my "Dieting and Dangerous Underwear" piece in the list on the left to find out why. By the way, it's very nice to meet you!
Cap'n - I'm happy to see you here! I always enjoy your comments on other people's blogs.
Lekkers - I like that idea! Very nice to meet you.
Lisa - Oh, not "back fat." That's worthy of a post with muffin tops.
Wakingupslowly - See? We all have those conversations. And to think that me can't figure out why it takes us so long to get dressed. It's the long-winded jeans. Duh!
Silkstone - I have one of those "In My Dreams" bins, too. It's not fair.
Leeandra - That looks like some sort of medieval jeans torture device. I like it!
T & D - Oh, what a visual that is!
Cindy - That's it; show those jeans whose boss.
Hyblaean - I'll bet your pants don't harrass you like mine do.
Deborah - Ha ha! Those insolent jeans are at it again.
Great post. I love how subversive the chocolate is to the mission of the skinny jeans.
Black jeans are in style now. I'm convinced they make me look slimmer. So try black jeans ;0)
Alpha Whiskey - I love that; your Skinny Jeans lost closet privileges due to bad behavior. That's right! Why should I give up prime closet real estate for clothes that make me feel bad?
Scruffus - Chocolate is ALWAYS subversive to the mission, but does that stop me?
Dorinda - Black jeans are definitely more slimming and consequently are less damaging to the psyche. I'll get some tomorrow. :)
Umbrella - It's sad but true; I think all of us have that pair of Skinny Jeans into which we're forever trying to squeeze. It's like an enormous sisterhood of unhappy women. Maybe we should all pass around our Skinny Jeans to women they'd actually fit and forget about the terminal dieting.
i'm decided to try to do that since my bipolar meds and my dark chocolate jones make it unlikely that these aunties will go anywhere for a while, even with the suppressed radiation appetite.
lo velove lvoe and graditude to you and please come see my new ric tresa banner and rate it for wonderfulness and, if you ever hav ethe time, give me your thoughts on the 2nd younger man encounter. i felt proud and now i feel rejected. onward and upward.
http://open.salon.com/user_blog.php?uid=1987
Teddy - Oh, I forgot about Anne Lamott's "aunties." She has a much healthier relationship with her body than I have with mine, but it's something to strive for. I DID see your lovely banner but did not read your post yet. I will head over there shortly.
suzie - You're kidding! They discontinued Levi's 501 jeans? I need some lycra in mine these days, but I used to wear them when I was younger. You're right about joy=perfect jeans. Good luck in your new search. Hope the Fitting Room Gods are on your side.
jenshrader - uh-oh; are we sharing a mother? If so, you can have her back.
Congrats. I get here one day after you post and the list of comments is miles long. So just want you to know you deserve it.
Don't bother to reply to this. I know you appreciate it. Just start thinking about the next clever thing to write about.
Good and funny job.
Monte
Monte - My friend...you are always so kind and supportive. Thank you. :)
Jacey - I'm thinking that maybe a big Jeans bonfire is in order.
JustJuli - Thank you for saying that. Chocolate IS medicinal. Lord knows it's saved the lives of certain family members I know.
Gary - Ha ha! I have a sister-in-law who says that her clothes shrink in her closet over the winter. Could be...