Yesterday was a lucky day for me because I had the good fortune to be seated next to you in the Chinese restaurant where I'd met a friend for lunch. It’s evident to me that you are quite popular because your cell phone rang repeatedly the entire time that we were there. I'm glad that you chose to set your ringer volume to the Obnoxiously Loud setting so that all of us could enjoy that rousing version of "Who Let the Dogs Out" over and over again. That song is such a classic, isn't it? Of course, to not answer your phone would be rude, and you are clearly a woman of class, so you answered every call.
Thank goodness the restaurant's host had the foresight to seat us near your table. If he hadn't, I would have missed hearing all of those fascinating details about your recent colonoscopy. It would have been a shame to spend the entire meal simply eating lunch and visiting with my friend. Bo-ring!
Everyone knows that nothing helps egg drop soup go down easier than a lively discussion about bodily fluids and you did not disappoint. Hearing about how the nasty beverage you were forced to consume the night before caused you to have such gastric distress that you almost didn't make it to the bathroom is an element of your story that I wouldn't have wanted to pass up. I, for one, can never get enough of hearing about bathroom near-misses while I'm eating my lunch.
Because of the fortunate location of my table, I was able to hear you cautioning "Marcia" on the phone to only drink three quarters of the Nasty Beverage when she prepares for her colonoscopy. Apparently, you went to the bathroom so much the night before that parts of you were, how shall I say this...abraded. I was able to enjoy my sashimi so much more after hearing this enlightening tidbit.
If my meal wasn't already pleasant enough due to the geographic placement of my table near yours, it was certainly enhanced by learning all of the particulars of your allergic reaction to the general anesthesia you were administered in the hospital. I'm sure that it's my own personal character flaw, but hearing you describe how many times you vomited after coming out of the anesthesia caused me to promptly lose my appetite.
Thankfully, you relayed your entire colonoscopy experience loud enough while on your cell phone so that even patrons at the farthest corner of restaurant could benefit from your story. I would have felt selfish being the only one able to share in your conversation. Your graphic description of the polyps that were surgically removed from the walls of your intestine was so vivid that I no longer felt the need to take my uneaten Shrimp with Mushroom Sauce home. I know that you were only trying to be considerate. You wanted to save the waiter the trouble of having to bag it up for me, and you wanted to prevent me from being tempted to eat it tomorrow. That was so helpful. How did you know that I've been trying to lose weight?
The only thing that would have made your lunchtime dialogue even more pleasurable would have been if you’d thought to bring photos. I do hope that I will get to dine near you again sometime in the future. I can't wait to hear all of the compelling minutiae about your most recent pelvic exam or your appendectomy. Perhaps we can share that interchange over some nice Mexican food.
See you then!
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On seond thoughts, you should have waited for her to begin eating and then started describing your own adventures.
A favour deserves to be repaid doesn't it? ;)
Moana - If this ever happens again, I'll hit her with a birth story. That'll teach her.
Man don't just LOVE THAT SONG!
People and their cell phone sometimes I wonder about the human race.lol
FLW - I'm cracking up at your comment. Some people are unbelievable!
JK - Loud annoying ring tones are the worst. I once thought it was a good idea to choose the theme song from Monty Python's Flying Circus as my ring tone. I quickly realized how alarming it was when my phone rang in public. Even I couldn't stand it and had to change it!
fireeyes - I think that we're in dire need of cell phone etiquette. Where's Miss Manners when we need her?
Great, hilarious story, Lisa!
Okay, you're back. Now let me tell you about my last pap smear.
It would be worth the price of the phone (check to make sure it is not an iPhone)....
Pamela - Now THAT might have gotten her attention!
Jess - Ha ha! I'm ready for your pelvic exam story even though a good birth story would go better with Spaghettios.
I'm always tempted to go up to one of these idots and say, "so sorry to hear about your colonoscopy-- hope things are better." but I haven't had the courage. Maybe now I do. Rated!
Why do they have to talk so loud? It's bad enough they talk on their cell phone, but why so loud??
Tee hee!
AH! I have an idea. Take a small tape recorder with you when you go out next time. If you wind up next to a loudmouth, simply tap them on the shoulder, tell them you're recording other people's conversations to post on the internet and could they PLEASE talk louder?
Thumbed. You have my sympathies. And I'll just say, gracielou - DITTO!
There was once a REALLY obnoxious guy on the subway having a "conversation" with someone that consisted of him loudly stating in a not-really-angry tone "I'm going to hang up now" about 15-20 times. The entire car was irritated with him and it was rush hour. I finally lost it and told him to just hang up the fucking phone. I got a small round of applause.
And while I'm ranting: WHAT IS UP with people who talk on their cell phones in public toilet stalls??? Do I really need to hear about your boyfriend troubles while I'm relieving myself? And does the person on the other end know you're peeing while you're talking to them? Good lord!
OMG, cell phone rudeness really makes me just want to get a flamethrower and take those people out. Seriously.
Sciencechick - when someone is talking on the phone in the stall next to me, I like to flush the toilet at the most inopportune time for their conversation. You know, to let the person they are talking to know where they are... What can I say, I'm evil.
First, I'd have a sign, prominently displayed, asking that cell phones be turned off. If that didn't have the desired effect (and I assume that it wouldn't), I would institute plan B...
Install a cell phone jammer. They are becoming increasingly more available, including portable models which you could carry in a purse or briefcase. All the cell phone user sees is that the phone is getting "no signal".
This is my happy, I've-been-validated dance.
It's pretty crappy of the restaurant staff to not have intervened. Hopefully, you can find a better place for Chinese in the future.
You should have felt justified in taking a pic with your cell phone. With the flash set on stun.
Cells phones have done so much to kill civility in public.
Inexplicably, this has made me hungry for chinese food...
(Kidding, of course, though we did change to Italian). Last time I was on the tube in London, during morning rush hour, the only audible thing was the funny clacking sound of everyone texting and e-mailing on their PDAs...instead of yakking. Now that’s manners.
I HOPE i would ask her if she has photos from her procedure to show the restaurant to go along with the story she has just told the restaurant. Those people know exactly how loud they're being, they want the attention.....Rated for gross! and we've all been there! and you wrote it so well!
I HOPE i would ask her if she has photos from her procedure to show the restaurant to go along with the story she has just told the restaurant. Those people know exactly how loud they're being, they want the attention.....Rated for gross! and we've all been there! and you wrote it so well!
I have a theory. People who talk loud on cellphones think others can't hear them. It's like people who sing off key when wearing earphones. It's the ostrich effect. Sigh......
Oh, you nailed those obnoxious kinds of people to the wall with your savagely sarcastic words. The sad thing is, even if she read it, she wouldn't get that it was about her!
odette - Eww is right. Discussing medical procedures loudly in a restaurant should be outlawed.
voicegal - You know, that's what I should have done. Do you think these people realize how loud they are?
Spud - Oops! Didn't mean to make you lose your appetite!
Pamela - don't think less of me, but whenever I see you, I think of that. :)
Proud - I honestly don't know. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but can they really not know how loud they are?
CoyoteOldStyle - I hear you. The people who hold long conversations on their cell phones while working out completely exasperate me.
Jimmy - Shhh...I won't tell.
nezumigirl - Good for you! It's funny how he was gesturing at YOU as if YOU were the one who'd been loud and inconsiderate. It's amazing, isn't it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-sim4aj1Nvg
(rated) and related
As bad as it was, and it WAS bad, just think. You were somewhere else doing something else while she was pooping her guts out and having a roto-rooter stuck up her butt. There has to be some karmic justice to that.
What is it with some people. I could almost understand this behavior from a teenager, but Jeez!
Lea - I don't know...attention, maybe? Thank you for stopping by. :)
Professor - Thank you for the compliment! I wanted to see if I could turn a rant into something polite and positive.
Bill S - I love the idea about the tape recorder. That would be the best!
Katina - Good for you. Probably more of us should start expressing our anger at such rudeness.
sciencechick - Ugh! You're right. What's up with cell phone conversations while going to the bathroom? That's just sick. Are these people really that busy that they need to talk on the phone while going pee?
quietgirl - you rock! Flushing the toilet is brilliant. :)
Wayne - I like Plan B. RicTresa sent me a link for one of the portable ones which I think I'll get if they're not too expensive. I keep running into obnoxious cell phone behavior more and more frequently. Perhaps this device would allow for a peaceful meal.
marcelle - If I put her on YouTube, that would probably make her think twice before having a similar conversation in the future. I like it!
Jon - Your comment cracked me up! Actually in this case, this woman was so loud that eavesdropping, which is normally covert, wasn't necessary.
Jacey - At first, I was wildly irritated, but then I decided to write about it later. People are always easier to tolerate when you can use their weirdness as blog fodder.
LandP - Now THAT would be funny!
JL - You poor thing; only Valium for a colonoscopy? Yikes!
The Buzz - Oh it was definitely a miracle...a miracle I didn't freak out on her. Have fun with that ringtone. You don't live near me, do you?
David - Your experience on the tube sounds a lot like hanging out with teenagers. It's nothing but fingers tapping on phone keys. What on earth did they do before texting was invented?
cartouche - Yes, she has plenty of company in her rudeness, doesn't she? Thank you for stopping by.
SoapBoxAmy - No cell phone? Great! You're always welcome to the table next to mine. :)
Grif - Bwahaha!
Stacey - I don't know if Radio Shack carries them but RicTresa sent me a link for one that I'm going to check out. Bad cell phone behavior is epidemic these days.
The only thing I've found that has ever worked, is to pull out a piece of paper and frantically and obviously try to get down every word they are saying. I've had people sniff and flounce away as if I were the one who was rude! Ha!
(LOL M. Chariot.)
My solution to really egregious breaches of (what we laughingly call) cell-phone etiquette is to become part of the obnoxiously public conversation by responding as if the violator were speaking directly to me. It may get me killed one day, but at least it provides me with amusement.
M. Allison Anger - There do seem to be an awful lot of cell-phone addicted people around. I love the ones who continue to talk on their cell phones while checking out in the grocery store. They never even acknowledge the cashier!
Hi Ann - Thanks for the suggestion. Asking for pictures just might do the trick.
Faith - Thank you for stopping by. :)
Lisa - Ostrich effect indeed...it makes the people around them want to bury their heads in the sand to shut them the hell up.
Emma - Thank you. I find that sarcasm rights a multitude of wrongs.
Allie - Yes! A "no cell phone" section is sorely needed.
Connie - Thank you for appreciating my snark.
Greg - You ordered her a new phone? Don't you have a civic responsibility to keep phones out of the hands of the verbally irresponsible?
Sally - Aw, thank you for reading before heading out for your anniversary. May you have a cell-phone-free evening. :)
Michael - oh yes...PLENTY of sarcasm.
hyblaean - Absolutely. People talk on their phones like they're in their living rooms. You would think that they would consider the people around them, but obviously that's not the case.
Seattle K8 - I love it!!!! Next time I'll take notes in such an obvious way that she'll leave. I always get such good advice on OS.
Squillo - I like your way of thinking. Instead of getting irritated, turn the situation around into your own amusement. That's what I was attempting to do here. At first, I was completely aggravated, and then I figured so what; it's giving me something to write about.
Thank you, THANK YOU, everyone for stopping by to read this. Enduring a dreadful situation is always much more fun when you can share it with friends!
Clearly, I am not a Quaker! ;-)
Great post.
Monte
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I used to work in the next cube and it was not just once. Or even once in a while.
Just like you, there were many things I learned that I Really Did Not want to know.
Silkstone - I wonder why people feel so disinhibited on a cell phone. I always feel more self-conscious when I have to use mine. Maybe it's just one more example of my neuroses showing!
Ruckus - Ah, cubicle days...countless stories of Too Much Information right there!
How do you know she didn't have some sort of hearing impairment that makes it difficult for her to tell when her volume is inappropriate? Considering that NOBODY IN THE RESTAURANT bothered to tell her to stop she might have assumed that nobody was noticing her talking on her cell phone.
That woman might be a bit rude, but your passive-aggression is actually a little bit more to be reviled because at least that woman's not a malicious coward. Develop a pair of balls and maybe next time you can resolve an issue like a grown-up: directly and maturely without resorting to childish Internet rants that accomplish nothing.
(BTW, I posted this on reddit...in case you were
wondering where all those new page views came from. )
occasional jerky comment from newbs like dorkasaurus.
Bill - That's hysterical! I love it!
Laurel - No, a different one. We're hoping the cooks wash their hands at this one.
Silkstone - :)
Joss - So THAT explains the 4,000+ page view increase in only a few hours.
Bill - Thank you XOXO
Tom - Sure - I'll bring the shrimp!
& nezumigirl is my new hero!!
"Ewwwwwww!" hardly starts to cover it. Sorry your lunch was ruined.
Shiral - I think maybe cell phones need to come with instructions for polite usage since obviously many people can't figure it out for themselves.
Emily - Oh no! She was in a Chinese restaurant in YOUR area, too?
Personally, I would have stared at her a bit and smiled, interjecting a question here and there about the state of her health, her love life, and her stool.
Polyps. Good thing I don't eat shrimp anyway.
A few nights ago, my friend and I were seated in an empty dining room, enjoying a truly lovely meal. Until a family was seated RIGHT NEXT TO US. With babies! And flashes from cameras! It was surreally rude and strange, the whole thing. Why there? This huge empty restaurant...why right next to us?
Finally we asked them to ease up on taking another damn picture (they were up to 8!) of their baby doing nothing but sitting in a high chair, since the flash was going off right in our eyes.
Then it was on. Words exchanged, dinners ruined. Well, for them. I enjoyed it. It felt good to tell them they were being openly rude. And it felt good to tell the host he was an idiot.
Cell phone etiquette signifies the two separate groups existing in this world. The well-mannered and the ill-mannered. It is that simple.
I mean, really.
After the 18 hours of chemically induced diarrhea, did she find the anal penetration uncomfortable, just so-so, or enjoyable? Did she experience shame, sexual arousal, or any sort of transcendent state? For happy times rearwards, does she prefer a proctoscope or a penis? Was her preliminary house cleaning successful? Was her physician able to get a nice clear view of what we hope was entirely in the pink?
And most important of all... Did she talk on the phone during her procedure? I feel sure we're on the brink of an exciting moment in the history of talk radio.
Mrs. Michaels - It's always the rude people who look at you YOU as YOU'RE the rude one when you call them on their rudeness. Good for you for saying something.
Beth - Oh! I've had a similar experience. Once, while on vacation - VACATION! - this group of 10 people (6 children, 4 adults) piled into a long booth that was connected to ours at a restaurant. The kids were banging around against the back of the booth which would make us literally jerk forward with each bump. They would then stand up, peer over the top of the booth and squeal at us. The adults never said a word.
Mari - That's my complaint. Why not take it outside or to the lobby or simply call them back later? Do we really need to be that reachable 24 hours a day? How the hell did we live before cell phones!
Wayne - I saw one for $35. It was being marketed to teachers who have problems with cell phone usage in classrooms but it looks like a great idea for anyone. We'll enforce our own manners!
m.a.h - Wow, really? The best I've ever written? Thanks for the kind words. I think it's just such a universal experience that people relate to it.
Bryan - I'm laughing at the image of this woman talking on the phone during her colonoscopy. I wouldn't be surprised if she did.
love love love
I'm sure I would have gone over and sat down at her table and explained the inappropriateness of her conversation...but then, I'm a bastard.
This was "snortin' my 'tini funny...' (but now my nose burns).
Knockout girl!!! You are terrific!!!
Olga - Although it's hard to imagine, thank you for pointing out that, yes, it could have been even worse.
DCV - Ha ha - I love your "cell phone rudeness rating system."
Teddy - The note on the car is a good one. Thank you for stopping by!
Deborah - Thank you!
Liz - What? No cravings for shrimp? :)
Susan - I'm so glad to see you! Thank you.
Cat - Ewww! Calamari...now that is an unpleasant visual. Sorry about the martini fountain.
rated (more than once if I could!)
M B - Wow! Such nice words! Thank you so much. :)
Of course if you're doing it for the blog entry, well then... :)
You are far more polite than I. I am rather sure that I would have had some smart ass remark for her............
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