Dear God,
Well, it’s my birthday again. Number 47. I owe you some thanks for keeping me alive on this earth for all these years, even though the past several months have been rather iffy. You’ve got to admit; you’ve thrown some majorly crummy stuff my way. I know, I know…you’re testing me. How about we just admit that I’ve failed so that I can go back to the less challenging Remedial Life class? That way I can keep practicing this life-thing until I get it right.
By the way, I’m extremely grateful for your hand in working things out so that we could keep the house for another month. No one rocks like you do, God, when it comes to making the impossible happen. Not even Obama. Instead of birthday presents this year, I hope you’ll agree to a few changes that I’d like to make in order to become an even better person (and a whole lot less neurotic.) Are you ready? You might want to grab a pen and paper to jot these down:
For starters, enough with the stray chin hairs. I mean really. Do you have any idea how depressing it is to pluck those bad boys out every morning only to see that they’ve reappeared in a different place the next day? It’s like Facial Hair Whack-a-Mole and it is SO not funny.
While we’re on the subject of my face, can you do something about that extra chin I woke up with the other week? Usually my motto is the more the merrierbut not when it comes to multiple chinnage.
Can I also please grow a little taller? Seven feet would be good. That way, I can reach cobwebs and spiders on the ceiling without a stool and I’ll finally be tall enough for my BMI to be within the unattainable but highly desirable “normal” range. Ah, to be able to kiss dieting good-bye forever. No doubt that would be the true definition of Heaven. Did you know that if you play a diet backwards, it spells “Satan?”
I know that neither dieting nor Godly acts can fix everything, but a truly great bra would come close. The trouble is there’s no such thing here on earth. It’s not like I’m asking for a lot; I’d just like to be able to hoist the girls into position and keep them there throughout the day while still being able to breathe. Let’s not forget about my aching shoulders, especially since you enjoy piling so much stuff on them. Can I please have some comfortable bra straps? Slouched shoulders with permanent dents in them are not conducive to carrying the weight of the world very well.
Sorry to ask for another item of clothing, but since you’re evidently the only one capable of pulling it off, a pair of jeans that fits well would really make me happy. These days, I’ve got a little extra in some places and a lot less in others. The perfect pair of jeans would balance it all evenly without pushing the excess out the top and against my lungs. Remember, I’m very fond of breathing. See my request above about the bra.
I know I’ve been asking for quite a lot here, and I don’t want to be greedy. Is it OK if I ask for a few things for others? For example, can you please give the Banking Industry a conscience? Maybe even a time-out so they can think long and hard about their bad behavior? If you still have those Ten Commandment tablets handy, or can get them back from Moses, the banks could stand to re-learn the parts about not lying, stealing or being greedy. I think they missed them the first time around.
Lastly, can you please give the Republicans in Congress a collective lobotomy? The only thing coming out of their mouths these days is the word NO and it’s making for a difficult life here in the United States. Rather than a plague of locusts, perhaps you can smite them with decency and good sense. If that doesn’t work, please send them all back to kindergarten; they were obviously absent the day that learning how to play nicely with others was discussed.
In closing, I’d like to thank you for surrounding me with such wonderful people and for keeping me around for another year. I’m going to do my best to make it a good one.
Sincerely,
Lisa
P. S. Note that I didn’t bother asking you to do something about the kids’ stinky feet. Even I know that some things are out of your control.
**photo by Lisa Kern
Comments
Have some champagne (or something) today, and know I'm toasting to you!
I do wish you the bestest Birthday Festival yet. Axe and odor free. I know that's a lot to ask for with a house full of young men, but you never know what the Great Above has in store.
And I hope things continue to work out with issues concerning your home...G
Good luck with this! Have you applied for a mortgage mod?
Meanwhile Happy Birthday!!!
I was getting ready to say something, but then right down there is Lea and did she just say it best. All I can add is that I love you to pieces and hope that 47 brings more laughs than tears and lots and lots of topics worthy of your perfect voice! xoxoxoxoxo
Happy Birthday, Ms. Lisa Kern, OS Powerhouse!
I hope you have a wonderful day.
BTW: Today is DS#4's b-day as well, and when we're celebrating his presence on this planet later today, I'll be lifting my glasss to you as well :)
Not blog pimping, but I thought it might cheer you up to know that miracles can happen, even with bras.
2. Wack a mole with chin hairs! A freakin' riot!
3. The happiest of all years...my wish for you, dear one.
4. Love, love, love you.
This is probably one the funniest posts I've ever read.
You are It.
A toast to your birthday and to better days ahead. And just a suggestion, but Costco sells odor eaters by the gross.
Happy B-day, Ms. Kern, and may all your wishes be granted.
think of it this way: you will never be as young as you are today. some day you'll look at pictures of yourself on this day and think: I was a baby!
{[R]}
You've asked for such practical gifts, my MIL would be proud, as am I. You deserve every one, and more, some real breaks this year. Btw, I'm asking my sister to needlepoint this on a pillow for me, Did you know that if you play a diet backwards, it spells “Satan?”
Happy Birthday!
I hope the coming year will bring you and your family an easing of the crunch, and you a great bra and the perfect pair of jeans!
I was completely charmed throughout this whole letter - and boy could I relate. Especially on the bra front. I wish you bushel fulls of happiness this Birthday and more and more good luck surrounding the house crisis (we're in the same boat). With that, I'll simply say...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
Lezlie
Lea - You are the epitome of grace and class. You're my role model for how to age the right way. Thank you so much for always being so kind and supportive.
High Lonesome - You are SO right; "collective mutism" is what I should have written. Hey, God, are you still listening?
Rita - Happy birthday to you, too! You may certainly copy this, but you have to promise to share if you land that great bra or Republican collaboration.
Maria - You're sweet. Thanks for coming to my party.
mamoore - Alice can work sequins and a glue stick like no one else. Thanks for the good wishes. I'm not allowing the girlfriend or any Axe spray the entire weekend.
sueinaz - Thank you!
designanator - What? No cartoon? I'm just kidding, but I do love your cartoons. Thanks for stopping by.
aim - From your lips to God's ears, but thanks so much for the faith you have in me. :)
The way to cope with a double chin is hide it with a grandbaby.
Foolish Monkey - I appreciate the jeans suggestions. I wish I could order up a pair exactly how I'd like them: curvy, but not too narrow at the waist, lower rise, but not LOW RISE, some stretch, no gapping in the back, and legs wide enough that they don't hug my calves. Trying the thrift store is a great idea, too. Maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow.
Gwool - Aw, you know you're my favorite Republican. XOXO
Jeanette - Thank you! Do you have any influence with Him? Maybe put in a good word for me?
Bellwether - You said it! One thing I've learned about life is that you never know for sure what's going to happen. Sometimes there are lovely surprises. :)
Janie - Thanks for the compliment on the tulip. It was called a "Rembrandt tulip" and used to be in my front yard. I think the squirrels might have eaten it as it hasn't come up for the past few years. I had several in different colors. Now I'm reminded to look to see if I can find them again.
BuffyW - Maybe the more of us who ask, the better chance we'll have of God listening to us. Thank you for coming to my birthday party. :)
Fortunately, your humor is also Whack-a-Mole! Keep it rolling!
Gary - It's always so wonderful to see your name in my comments. Please give Rupee a head scratch for me.
Eileen - Thank you!
Trig - No mortgage mod for us; we have a sensible mortgage. Our trouble stems from not enough consistent work to support it and a killer home equity loan. Unfortunately, the home equity loan doesn't count for a mortgage mod. If the banks would start lending, people would buy homes or refinance them and want to fix them up. Then we would have work and paying our mortgage wouldn't be such an issue. In my opinion, it all goes back to the banks.
LandP - Aw, thank you. You know how much I love you, right?
ocularnervosa - Now THAT would be a terrific birthday present!
1IM - I almost passed out in the nail salon yesterday when the manicurist snipped my finger (manicure was bday gift from my mom.) Does that count? Next time I'll try harder. :) Love you, my friend.
Joan - Thank you! I appreciate you coming to my party.
Beth - I use almost all of my own photos. It's safer that way. I think someone has stolen my Turbo Jam blowtorch one so I decided to start labeling them. Thanks so much for the compliment. XOXO
Diana - Nice to see you! My birthday is really Sunday, but I decided to spread the festivities out a little bit. Happy birthday to your son.
FLW - Thank you, my kindred spirit. You are right that in spite of gravity doing mean things to us, much does improve as we get older. I don't know how I lived before earning my Forty-Year-Old Balls (for those scratching their heads about FYOB, see last year's birthday post.)
You, dear friend, were one of the very first new friends who met me, greeted me, and sent me out in the brave new world I nervously approached called Open Salon. I will always remember your kind friendship and support at a time when I was down in the dumps and wondering what to do with myself when I got my illness. I have learned to live with it and that is in no small part due to the caring and nurturing by you of my adventure into what was then the new territory of blogging.
May God pour many, many blessings into your life in the coming year.
Monte
Dorinda - Thank you!
Owl - Maybe between all of us, God will hear us. Thanks for always being so supportive. XOXO
Dr. Spud - Oh, I got plenty of tailfeathers. Now I just need the jeans to whip them into submission. Thank you for always being so good to me.
Sheila - Thank you!
Dr. Dach - Wow, I'm honored! Thanks for the birthday wishes.
sophieh - Thank you! I'm happy to share (unlike the banks.) :)
gracielou - Love right back at you. XOXO
Vanessa - Thanks for the kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it. If we can't laugh at ourselves, we're a sorry bunch indeed.
Ablonde - Yes, indeed...a toast to better times for ALL of us. Thanks so much for the support.
Cap'n - You're such a good guy. I really appreciate how kind you always are to me.
Maerwynne - I'm sure you're right, just like I look at older photos of myself and wonder why I thought I was fat back then. Thanks for the reminder to treasure the here and now.
Libmomrn - You too? We should form a club!
Roger - Thank you, my friend.
Elisa - You're so sweet to say that. You wouldn't want me to share the Axe and the boy-feet-stink, though. :)
geezerchick - If I had a chance to visit you and I was 7 feet tall, I would gladly duck to fit under the doorway.
nolalibrarian - Thank you!
Aliciaaxearts - Thanks for the compliment and for sharing in my birthday party.
Barbara - Thanks for promoting me. Funny story: I'm on Twitter, but not enough to really use it properly. Today I was notified that I'm being followed by some retirement guy. What's next? being followed by the people who make Depends?
Hugs, me - What a cool name! I'm glad that you enjoyed the Facial Hair Whack-a-mole but I hope you'll never have to play it yourself.
JLee - Happy birthday to your oldest! Hopefully she's still in the realm of great fitting jeans and bras that don't feel like tourniquets.
Arizona Viking - You read last year's too? Wow, a repeat customer! Thank you so much. :)
Larry - I adore you. If there was a contest for funniest comment ever, you would totally win it. Thanks for always stopping by to inject some fun.
Lucy - I love your comment "there's not a principal's office big enough." I couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for coming to my party.
Ardee - Don't sweat the typo; I know what you meant and it is VERY cool that you're #47 to rate this. Thank you!
Sally - Same to you, my friend. By the way, if you really have your sister needlepoint a pillow like that, you MUST take a picture for me, OK?
Cindy - Oh, I hear you. To heck with improving computer technology; let's improve bra technology so that wearing one doesn't feel like a punishment.
Shiral - Thank you! By the way, I can't see your cute kitten photo without remembering your epic rant against GWB. Best - ever!
Sparking - Thank you so very much. I hope that things improve for all of us. I know I've had plenty of company living at the bottom lately. XOXO
LintheSoutheast - I don't think that we can ask for Republican smiting too often, do you? Thanks for stopping by and for saying such nice things.
suzie - It's a deal!
Z - Thank you, my fabulous friend. XOXO
bluesurly - Thank you. I have to stop over at your place and see what you've been up to.
BonnieG - Your photo with that sweet puppy makes me smile every time I see it, so I'm glad I could give you a smile in return.
Cassandra - This is terrific advice: "The way to cope with a double chin is hide it with a grandbaby," but don't tell my 13-yr-old, OK? That child is going to give me a coronary.
Susan - Thanks - do you have any influence on God? I could use someone to put in a good word about me if you do.
lemonpulp - Oh, yes - it's been challenging, hasn't it? Here's to better time for all of us.
Susanne - This is the most delicious birthday greeting ever: "Happy Birthday and may you be completely enrobed in a thick coating of love and laughter and then rolled in chocolate jimmies." Ah, heavenly!
Lunchlady - Yes, what is it with boys and stinkiness? It's an epidemic!
Robin - Thank you XOXO
Kit - Sometimes I think that God has left me on permanent hold. Thanks for the nice words. :)
Eva - You are going to ROCK 48. No doubt about it.
Gonzalez.1986 - English is not your first language, is it? Who on earth are "people of breath?" And, um, you want US to make YOUR lives easier? Dude, you totally need to go back to spammy sales school. You're supposed to convince me that buying from you will make MY life easier. You're welcome. I don't give free advice to just any spammer, you know.
Trixie - Thank you! Your comment made me smile. :)
Cartouche - You are not late at all. My birthday actually isn't until tomorrow. Just getting an early start on the fun. Thanks for the good wishes!
WriterMom - Maybe like Leepin Larry says we can all grow goatees and start a new trend. Otherwise, I think we're stuck with plucking it until our eyesight gets so bad we can no longer see it. Wait. That could be a good thing!
Jacqueline - Wow (blushing)...thank you! And I love your line about "humor is the best botox." You are so right!
Monte - You, my friend, are one of my very favorite people in the whole entire world. You brighten up every heart you touch, including mine. Thank you so very much for your kind words, good wishes, and ongoing friendship. It means the world. XOXO
Jess - I don't know, but I'm wondering if even seven feet tall would be enough for me!
Emma - I was just talking to Dan about this today: we are not as old as we're going to be, but we're much older than we used to be. Actually, I don't know the point of all that because it's not comforting at all. On the other hand, having the support and good wishes of friends like you certainly is. XOXO
KD - I think God should listen to us about the jeans and bras. There are too many of us to ignore. Thanks so much for stopping by.
Gabby - Your comment made me spit my Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper out my nose. I love the way you think! I don't want to be responsible for any children I may permanently scar by taking your advice, though. :)
Rated. :)
ClarkK - You're not late; you're right on time. Imagining John Boehner sitting crosslegged on a mat in kindergarten makes me smile. Thanks for the good wishes!
daughterofireland - I share your sentiments exactly. If I find a pair of jeans that work for normal women, I'll be sure to let you know.
Leslie - Thank you!
(from a former PA girl)
Happy Birthday. I'm glad you were born.
Algis - Thanks for the birthday wishes and the chin tip: it can't hurt to try it!
Bonnie - Definitely! :)
Delia - Thank you. I've learned to look for the humor. No sense in making everyone around me suicidal, right?
~fatRocco and feralRusty