It’s bill-paying time again. What do you do when you have more monthremaining than money? Here’s a nifty little game that I use to help decide whom to pay when there’s just not enough money to go around:
1. First things first - pour a strong beverage, and I’m not talking coffee. Wine is good but tequila is better.
2. Gather all of your bills and lay them out in front of you with the largest expenditures first. Take a drink to calm yourself and get over the shock of how much you owe.
3. MORTGAGE vs. HOME EQUITY LOAN: Deciding which one to pay between these two is a tough one. Failing to pay either one could cost you your home. Lucky for you, we’re in a recession. Nobody else can afford their mortgage either. With all of those foreclosed homes, what are they going to do with yours? Pay the Home Equity Loan. Besides, the lender has that cute commercial on TV with the baby and the kitten. Now take a drink. You’ve earned it.
4. OIL HEAT vs. ELECTRIC BILL: Hmmm...do you want to be warm or be able to use your blow dryer? Your hair does get mighty frizzy if it dries naturally and you could always put on a coat. Better pay the electric bill. Those jerks at the oil company deserve to not be paid after hitting you with a $4.10 per gallon budget plan. If you could afford $4.10 per gallon, you wouldn’t need a budget! You do, however, need a drink.
5. CABLE vs. TELEPHONE: This one is a no-brainer. It’s cable, of course. Cable is how you connect to the internet. Internet is essential! The phone, however, you can do without. Especially when the mortgage and oil company people will be calling wondering where their payments are.
6. CREDIT CARDS: So much debt, so little cash. There’s only one way to choose among several credit cards: you’ll have to decide which to pay by using a tried and true scientific process. Arrange them in a line and doeeny-meeny-miney-mo. The one that you land on when saying the finalmo is the winner. Speaking of mo, you need mo’ tequila. Trust me on this.
7. GASOLINE CREDIT CARD vs. SEWER BILL: Both of these involve shit, whether of the cursing variety or the flushing kind. Considering that the gas and oil companies have been making record profits while you’ve been sliding face-first toward bankruptcy, screw ‘em. Pay the sewer bill. You’re going to need that sewer to be operational once all of that tequila runs through you.
8. CAR PAYMENT vs. STUDENT LOAN: Education isn’t going to drive you to work or drive the kids to school. You should pay the car payment, but after all of that tequila, it’s probably best to not try to actually drive the car. The student loan can wait. After all, it’s been how many years since you’ve graduated? They’ve waited this long for their money, surely they can wait a while longer. You, however, have waited long enough for another shot of tequila
You’re finished! You’ve successfully paid your monthly bills and managed to tie on a nice load at the same time. Of course, in such a, um, relaxed state you might need some help affixing the postage and sealing the envelopes (paper cuts on the tongue can be a real drag).
Some of you might be wondering, what will this selective bill-paying do to my FICO score? Oh, it will do plenty, don’t you worry. The beauty of drinking the tequila is that you just won’t care.
Comments
She wouldn't agree to let you have the hour before her.
Very funny & very necessary Lisa ~ but seriously, you gotta cut back on paying the full amount ... Christmas is right around the corner ... and save some of your tequila ... you're gonna need it!!!
Thumbs up, girl!!! As Usual!!!
rated
One thing I've stopped doing is buying the wine on anything like a credit or debit card - because Amex has informed me that they're watching what I buy, and gauging my creditworthiness against businesses of ill repute. They didn't say it quite that way? But the meaning was pretty clear.
Just a li'l tip from a gal after your own bill-payin' heart. Chat soon!
Lis
My only disagreement is on tequila, scotch is so much better.
(rated)
Excellent post. Thumbs up!
Umbrella - Thanks for the encouragement. Margaritas for breakfast? Sounds better than eggs!
rijaxn - I'm thinking that Suze Orman wouldn't think too much of my advice (or maybe she would- didn't she used to be a barmaid?)
1IM- You're right. I've got to save that tequila for the Family Holiday Card picture.
Greg - I'm sorry to have so much company in this. Here's to better days for all of us.
Roger - You got that right. Heaven help us if they repossess the tequila.
Michael - Oh, yes. Best to get this unpleasantness over and done with early in the day.
daniel - Thank you for stopping by my little corner of OS.
Mungular - Sounds like you might have some tequila & bill-paying parties of your own?
Siobhan - Thank you! Humor with a side dish of bleak is how I roll.
susanmihalic - Yes! They stuff more garbage into those credit card statements. They could afford to lower their interest rates if they'd stop sending that crap.
LuluandPhoebe - Yes, I'm pretty sure that "Federal Excise Tax" is electric company lingo for "Horse Farm". Or "Sports Car". Or "Spa Vacation".
Mary - You're right; there's nothing more angst-inducing than paying the bills.
Krissi - I know that misery loves company, but gosh, there's a lot of us, aren't there? Hoping for better times for all of us.
idahospud - Yay! A mentor! Does that mean when they kick me out of here, I can come live with you? :)
David - Thank you for the nice comment.
Thank you, everyone. I truly appreciate your comments and support. Poking fun helps it to be more bearable but not nearly as much as friends do. :)
Liz - Sure I'll help. I don't even need a reason!
Scruffus - Oh, so you've played the "Adventures In Income Taxes" game? Yes, I am all about the fun.