Facebook? Meet Mid-Life Crisis
Rate: 27
There it was, right in the middle of my email, between my coupons from Borders and an assignment from work: a name from my past. There was a momentary who the hell is this? reaction followed by the realization that an old boyfriend from high school had just looked me up on Facebook.
Of course, being the ever calm, rational, and well-adjusted person that I am, I knew just what to do. I panicked. Ohmygosh – why is he contacting me? What does he want? Maybe he regrets dumping me all those years ago. What would my husband say? Is it cheating if I respond to him? Will he be able to find where I live? I need to lose twenty pounds and get a boob job STAT!
And what are my accomplishments over the past 20-some years? If you don’t count the husband and three kids, all that’s left is that I’m a writer who still hasn’t completed her degree and who’s forced to work as a bookkeeper to pay the bills (as if numbers and I ever got along). Quick, I need to get my Doctorate in the next 15 minutes before I respond to him. And lose twenty pounds.
It’s an interesting place to find yourself when your former life as a teenager converges with your current reality as a 40-something married mom of three children. On one hand, you’re instantly transported to a more youthful time, full of possibility and promise, while on the other hand, you’re painfully aware of the passage of time and how many goals have not yet been realized.
Hearing from him caused an excitement in me, a Vitamin B-12 shot of youth, coupled with the dread that I’m entering the second half of my life and still haven’t accomplished what I’d set out to do in the first half. And I don’t care who you are: there is always a need to prove that I’m awesome, thankyouverymuch, to a person who rejected you. I feel a need to show him that I’m even better than he remembers, with loads of friends and self-confidence, so that he can come to grips with having such faulty judgement in his younger years. Note to self: update profile information on Facebook to make it sound more interesting before friending him.
Actually, should I even friend him?
After a few pieces of chocolate to calm me (damn, now I’ll need to lose twenty-ONE pounds), I considered that maybe it was all innocent and he just wanted to look up an old friend. After all, our lives did intersect at one point, even if it was many years ago and even if it was as more than friends. Perhaps it’s nothing more than a trip down memory lane, reconnecting with someone from his past.
I appreciate that I was part of a large enough memory that he chose to look me up but the reality is that our lives have taken entirely different directions. I can’t see that we have much in common. Even though we’re both married and have children, we bustle around in vastly different circles these days, which is not necessarily a bad thing. I’m sure that is exactly how it is meant to be.
I ultimately decided to friend him on Facebook. When it comes down to it, I have nothing to prove to him, nor does it really matter what he thinks of me. I am who I am and I’m not changing for anyone. I have a nice life, even if it isn’t a super exciting one. I have a husband I adore and three children who’ve brought me such joy and happiness that I couldn’t imagine my life turning out any other way. I’ve witnessed miracles, shared much laughter, and collected an abundance of wisdom (whether I wanted it or not) along the way.
The degree will come. The travel will come. And if nothing else, I will always have a friend on Facebook who knew me way back when.
Big thumbs up from me!
(rated)
It was so very strange when the former best friend who "stole" my boyfriend after we graduated added me to her Friend list. She has yet to email me or have any personal contact. But she has recommended a couple of Friends to me. It is so strange. Sure, I'm no longer hung up on what went down my Freshman year of college, but perhaps a little note might have been in order?
Facebook is weird.
Loved your post too :)
suede - Glad to hear that I have company. Like everyone else, I just wish that my lack of accomplishment was more of a perception than a reality.
buckeyedoc - I agree. I was a total dork back then (yeah, like I'm such a cool chick now). Facebook should allow us to post statements like "Warning: This person is NOT the dweeb you remember."
LT Bohica - I know that you're right, and thank you for reminding me. It's funny, though, how creating human life and nurturing it into adulthood just doesn't receive the recognition it deserves these days.
The Buzz - Your friends should absolutely email you first on Facebook if you haven't spoken to them in a while! Thank goodness Dr. Ex did or I'd be even more neurotic about this than I already am.
Thanks so much for stopping by, everyone, and for taking the time to commiserate / encourage / rate my piece.
I had a dream about an old boyfriend and his family. His father was trying to find me because his wife was dying of cancer and the old bf was inconsolable. Since I had not spoken or laid eyes on him for 27 years, I felt I had to try to find him to see if he was OK.
It was really an interesting experience to catch up with him. His wife is very well, he has two beautiful daughters. He retired at the age of 45 after building a niche business from scratch into a multi-million dollar venture that he later sold to one of the large credit card companies. Good for him!! His parents are both alive, so who knows what the dream was about -- at least I know all is well!
lalucas - My husband has a good definition for these types of connections with exes from our past: it's a high school reunion without actually having to attend one. All of the stuff that people worry about not measuring up to others at a reunion is all laid out for them on Facebook. Good for you for taking the time to connect with your old boyfriend. It's always nice to know that someone's been thinking of you and wishing you well.
My 30th high school reunion is next year, so old classmates are coming out of the woodwork, many of them people I hold dear in my heart but haven't had any contact with in decades. My high school was smack in the middle of farm country. After graduation most of my friends either got married, went to work on the family farm or got a blue collar job. I, and a sprinkling of others went to college. Even fewer of us eventually moved away.
Over the years I have traveled far and wide and generally I've had a pretty interesting and sometimes wild life. I've worked extensively in professional theater as a designer, and served as an exhibits specialist for several years at the Smithsonian Institution. It has only been in the last couple of years that my husband and I have started a family. But - I've learned that I can't say any of that because all contact ends! Perhaps it sounds like bragging to them, or perhaps they are using me as a yardstick for their lives, but in any effect, I've determined that it's best to be very vague about what I've been up to.
I didn't speak to him for 15 years. We emailed a bit. Then he came to visit for two days. We spent most of the first day sitting on a bench by the ocean, trying to figure out how we could be together, forever. It was really amazing, like something out of a dream. We didn't figure out how to be together forever then, but right after the visit, he emailed me and offered to move up to where I live.
We were engaged on our third date and had a house under contract. We've been home owners together now since January, and the house feels like magic...it's a magic house anyway...but when he is here, it feels so warm, comforting, so us, so homey.
We are now one year into this wild ride of a year, and still crazy mad in love. Every time we spend a day together (since it's long distance, that's not as often as we'd like) we both end up with a very noticeable "glow" about us.
What's most cool about it all is that 15 years ago we had a really great relationship, but it wasn't anything like it is now. Now, it's like, woah, when did you grow up to be my soul mate??? I thought about him in the interim, but not obsessively, not kicking myself for letting him go. A lot of not staying together was timing, but there were a lot of little things that didn't feel right. All the things that didn't work back then...*poof!* gone.
As far as the midlife crisis bit, though, hilariously, we waited several weeks before exchanging photos. Let's be clear about this: we were HOT when we were young. He was president of the martial art's club...working out two to three hours a day toward his second degree black belt...he was HOT! Me, I had blond hair down nearly to my butt, built like a shit brick house. Since then, I've gained a bunch of weight, and he has too. So, my first concern seeing him again was how was he going to react to the weight gain, the glasses, the short hair, me not looking 23 anymore.
Well, his reaction was that he thought I was just as beautiful as I was at 23, and that wasn't just kind words, but unmistakable in how he looked at me the first time he saw me again, and how he still looks at me. When I held his hand right after he saw me again, he was shaking like a leaf. I think he's handsomer now than he was then, weight gain and all. I love being with a man, not a boy.
It really doesn't matter how much school you've been to, where you've traveled or not, or what you look like. You are as lovable now as you were then, even more so because you hopefully are at a stage of life where looks and grades and impressing others doesn't mean as much to you as the joy of good company.
Take it from me.
Glad you decided to beFriend your old beau!
People do their marriages in lots of ways, but honesty and openness about these kinds of contracts seems to me to be essental.
I hope you did ask him how he'd feel about having this guy back in your life, and therefore his, even if only virtually.
the other weirdness is running into my daughter's friends. My favorite thing is that she has a "Flair button" on Facebook that says, "My Mom has a Facebook."
The Buzz - Thanks for sharing your perfect example of "when it's meant to be, it will be" with us. Best wishes as you both begin (again?) your lives together.
LuxeCalme - You nailed it; we all could use more friends right now, however they come to us.
Michael - I did discuss this with my husband but it was after I'd friended the Ex. He's fine with it. We've been married 23 years and have extreme trust and respect for one another. Still, I'm wishing he'd be just a little bit jealous!
Lisa - Yes! It is so strange when my teenage son's friends add me as a friend on Facebook. I thought that my son would feel weird about it but he seems to think it's great that his mom is on Facebook. It sounds like your daughter agrees. I have to admit, if I was his age, I'd be mortified if my mother was on Facebook and could see what my friends and I were doing. Of course, my mother wasn't anyway near as hip and enlightened as I am (said with tongue planted firmly in cheek).
I have been in touch with other people as well. I just got an email from a guy I was friends with in high school and had one date with. With him, it feels nice to reconnect and not sexual at all. It feels like, well, finding an old friend.
What a dilemma eh?!! LOL I adored the part about the chockies and that extra pound... hahahhaha!!! Well it's just amazing what a different view of life we have when the years up and run off into the distant future; with YOU in it!! LOL I have now been married for nearly 20 years (how did that happen? where did the years go?!)
But I have a gorgeous 18 year old daughter; who is willing to share me with the big hobby in my life (my pages on the net! LOL) and a charming husband who still holds hands with me when we go out!
Thanks again for sharing!
It's like the class reunion that SHOULD have been!
:-)
The high school GOPS,
since departing DC can
clip coupons too. Bush?
Clip a coupon for Pizza.
Buy one and get 2- Free.
I hope this don't offend.
I best plant some onion.
Then have French Soup.
I love any goulash soup.
Stop over for free stew?
Arthur - I'm laughing at the image of Bush and his friends clipping coupons. I hope you're right. Then they can see how the other half (majority?) lives.
I just facebooked for the first time like a week ago ... it was absolutely terrifying for me ... I'm still not comfortable with it ~ geeez!!!
xoxoxo