I’ve always considered myself a fairly rational parent. I contemplate all options before making a decision. I discuss things with my kids, making sure to listen to their viewpoints. I do my best to remain respectful toward them even if I secretly wonder what kind of drugs they’re on to come up with such a ridiculous idea. When it comes to a matter of my kids’ health or safety, I know to act calmly and with authority (at least while they can see me.) In fact, if you asked me a month ago, I would have scored myself Average in my parenting ability.
My 13-year-old son, however, is making me think otherwise. Never before has one of my children caused me to feel as completely and totally inept as this child has.
Last weekend, my son Matt invited his girlfriend over to our house for the afternoon. My oldest son Ryan agreed to take them to the mall so that they didn’t spend their entire visit trying to test-drive their newly minted hormones.
The visit started off with Matt and his girlfriend’s usual silent, never-ending hug. While cardiac-inducing the first time I witnessed it, I’ve come to accept their affinity for hugging as mostly benign.
After everyone was settled, I went outside to ask my husband a question. The teen lovebirds were alone in our living room, but Ryan was in the kitchen. He had a direct view to the living room so I wasn’t worried that they were unsupervised. I figured they would be happy just hugging one another for awhile.
Wrong.
When I came back in the house a few minutes later, my son’s girlfriend was lying on top of him on the sofa and they were kissing. It wasn’t the innocent, inexperienced kind of kissing either. It was full-blown, oh-my-gosh-is-she-going-to-swallow-his-face, french kissing. I did not expect that these two would advance from hugging to tonsil-hockey so quickly but apparently they’re overachievers. I never would have suspected it from a boy who still plays with Legos.
I stifled the urge to shriek at them and instead ran over to where my son Ryan was standing in the kitchen. I grabbed him and led him over to the doorway.
“Ryan, look! Matt and his girlfriend are kissing! “
What is it with the men in this family failing to recognize the urgency of a situation? Evidently it was my job to spell it out for him.
“They’re entirely too young to be kissing! I’ve got to stop this but what do I do? Do I go in there and plop myself in between them? Do I try some other way to break it up? If so, what do I say? Should I stroll in there and holler ‘hand check’ like the chaperones do at school dances? Oh, I do not feel well.”
Ryan did not have anything helpful to offer. He must get it from his father.
I’ve never felt as unprepared as a parent as I did at that moment. I knew the right things to say to educate my kids about sex, but I’ve never had a situation where I actually had to interrupt one of them from going too far. I didn’t want to embarrass anyone, and I didn’t want to project the idea that physical love is bad. I just want to convey that it’s not okay for kids who haven’t yet completed the 8th grade to get more action than their parents.
If they had been two dogs, I would have known what to do, but spraying teenagers with a garden hose isn’t usually acceptable behavior in today’s society. I decided to beg Ryan for help.
“Isn’t it time for you to take them to mall?” I asked Ryan. “That will cool things down until I can figure out what to say to them.”
“But what do I say to them?”
“That should be easy. You’re his older brother. Just go in there and say something that a brother would say. You know, like ‘hand-check’ or something. He won’t care if it comes from you.”
“Aren’t you glad I never put you through this?” Ryan couldn’t resist the opportunity to score some praise.
“You’re right, Ryan. You’re the Good One. I’m very thankful that you’ve never put me in this situation. Those two are going to give me a coronary before they’ve even graduated from middle school.”
As if on a mission, Ryan chugged down his drink and slammed his cup on the counter. He straightened his shoulders as if preparing for battle and marched into the living room. In a booming, rapid-fire voice, he announced:
“Listen up boys and girls; it’s time to come up for air. Let’s put those hands where I can see them. I’d better see four, count’em, FOUR, hands. And for godssakes, get your faces off each other. Haven’t you two ever heard of oxygen-deprivation? It’s a big problem, you know, and not just in third world countries. Thousands have died. You could be next. You shouldn’t be sticking things in each other’s windpipes like that. Next thing you know, you’ll be needing CPR. Do you need CPR? How about the Jaws of Life? No? OK, good. Let’s get up, get it together, and get the heck out of here. The bus to the mall is leaving NOW.”
While it’s not exactly the approach I would have taken, it certainly worked to diffuse the situation. Matt and his girlfriend dutifully followed Ryan out of the house, even if they did have a tough time trying to suppress their giggling.
Thanks to Ryan, I now have some time to get my blood pressure back to normal and to figure out how to deal with this predicament. Still, I’m left with the uncomfortable task of having to talk to my son about his behavior. What’s the best way to do that? Maybe I should put a note in his lunchbox:
“Dear Son, Have a good day at school. By the way, your girlfriend is a tramp. Love, Mom.”
Until I figure it out, I’m going to call my insurance agent. Parenting my middle son through puberty is definitely stroke-worthy. It’s probably smart for me to increase my life insurance while I have the chance.
You know...just in case.
Comments
She hasn't started dating yet, but she's pretty, she wears a C-cup bra and she admires the most juvenile of the 8th grade boys. She's only 12!!!
Good for Ryan. I hope you gave him lots of praise for handling things well.
I have a 12-year-old girl, which makes HER the girlfriend in this scenario.... The problem is, my eldest son, 16, is behaving like a jealous Precambric cavesman about the whole thing (if such a cavesman ever existed!); in fact he wants to KILL the 13-year-old boy in question... No, I definitely need someone with the cool approach of your eldest son.
Oh, and by the way, I´m still laughing! Great post as always.
Kisses,
Marcela
You also might want to just put up a sign in your living room:
All Passengers MUST remain in an upright position.
Wishing you all the best, Lisa. When your boys enter Teen Country that's when you enter Xanax Country.
Rated.
In the Harry Potter stories Ms. Rowling calls it "snogging" ... no idea whether that's her invention or current slang somewhere in the UK ... but it's common enough behavior for 13-year olds ...
Any honest guy will tell you that there's an age when the testosterone turns on ... and boys spend the next decade or so learning how to cope with it ... sorta. If you are raising boys ... you know that gentle baseball gibe "Hey ump, you're missing a great game here!"
The problem with the snogging and the heavy petting should be obvious to any boy with an IQ over 80 ... it's guaranteed to get them all hot and bothered ... and then it either goes somewhere or it doesn't. Starting on the couch in your house ... is either of these really an appealing prospect?
It's like dogs chasing cars ... what are they going to do if they catch the car?
As far as the girl in question being a "tramp" ... you never did anything like this in your life? You missed some fun ... it's great to get the boys hot and bothered and then see what they do.
See my little blog item "Way cooler than me" for an experience in my life.
And I'm a dad raising a daughter ... that's "educational" ... indeed.
She let me know that every lovely young creature who crossed my path was trying to trap me into a shotgun wedding. Their mother's all loved me and their fathers all hated me, she told me, so she would work with the moms, to shake sense into their daughters.
One day she said, "Are any of the girls who follow you around NOT Supermodels in training?"
And, "When a girl is over for dinner, at all times, I want to see BOTH of her hands above the table if she is sitting next to you, and both of yours filled with eating utensils!"
Mothers, argh! Joy killing us boys, darn!
Rated, funny piece
And it's definitely time for the talk. Having raised one of each gender I think what works best is not to say anything negative about the girl because they get defensive, and instead put it all on him. His responsibilties toward her, his responsibilities with regard to himself, her reputation and his reputation, about how he treats her and what he says about her reflects upon his character. Good luck... You'll need it.
Rated.
Oh, and good luck.
Oh yeah, and please keep us posted!
It makes that awkward, endless hug seem kind of sweet now, doesn't it?
If Matt is more inclined to listen to Ryan than to you and your husband, would Ryan be willing to have a bro-to-bro discussion with him about what's appropriate at 13 and what isn't? And somewhere along the line, condoms should be discussed--the purchase and use thereof. If hormones win out over common sense, they at least need to be prepared to prevent pregnancy. Something for Matt to think about: If he's too embarrassed to go into a drugstore and buy a box of condoms, he probably isn't old enough to have sex.
"but the 13 year old shaggylocks is still pumping his skinny little fists in the air..."
I hate to break this to you. You're going to have to get used to this. have the sex talk NOW. And I mean the condoms, the birth control, the STDs, the curfews, the talks now. Because if they're bold enough to be doing what they're doing on the couch in front of you, you can bet they're going farther away from prying eyes. A lot of kids start in eighth and ninth grade. You can say "no." You can say "don't you dare." But the best thing you can say is, "If you need contraception, need someone to talk to, need help, I'm here." Keep the lines of communication open. When he asks why you're freaked out, then you can tell him that you think love and sex go together, even though our hormones tell us to go crazy. Keep talking to him. And if she doesn't have anyone to talk to, offer to talk to her.
It'll be a whole lot better than a "whoops, guess what" later this year.
Matt: What in the hell is wrong with you? Let me explain something: you know that couch in your girlfriend's basement? THAT'S the one you make out on. You turn the TV on and says you're watching some show. When her mom comes down to put a load of laundry in, you have 27 minutes. The noisy spin cycle will give you five minutes warning.
Lisa: Get out the hose. And make the boy shop-vac the couch and carpet afterwards.
Seriously, though--they're bold little buggers, clueless, or exhibitionists. I wouldn't do that NOW knowing my mom could walk in at any moment, and I'm 29!
Best of luck to you in continuing to manage these developments... I really thought the hugging phase would have lasted longer, too. As long as you keep blogging it, though, I can't wait to hear what's next.
Ugh. The teen years are dead ahead. I'm nervous.
Slip a couple ofcondoms in his lunch box. He'll be so mortified you'll put him off sex for, well, maybe three weeks, tops. But hey, every little helps.
BHAWHWHWAHAWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH
BHWHWHAHAHAHAHAHA
AWWHAWHWAHAHAHAWBWHWHWHWWH
ok - sorry.
really, really sorry.
BWHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH
really. i'm sorry.
;)
I think I need an estrogen patch or something, huh.
But I'm with shaggylocks. Yeeeesss, Matt, you da' man!!!
Except I have to rain on Matt's "good luck:" while back in the golden days when child labor laws were not yet enacted it was not uncommon to grow up fast and be married by age 15, nowadays the State has decided, in its infinite wisdom, what the age of consent is. If Matt and his paramour decide to do something because they are "hot and bothered", some overzealous prosecutor might decide they should have a file with their name and a piece of paper with "statutory rape" written on it. And that won't play well in their future. Get them acquainted with those facts of law and maybe it will cool their ardor because being discreet is not going to cut it.
And I don't think the girlfriend is a tramp. Just a strong young female who knows what she likes. We want our daughters to be empowered, don't we?
Best of luck! (And if all else fails, run away!!)
Plant spray filled with Holy water and garlic cloves. Set your son at one end of the settee, and the girl at the other, and declare the middle a DMZ. If either one of them so much as twitches, spray them. It works with vampires, so it may well work with teens, and she gets the joy (or you do) of explaining to her parents the exact reason why she's soaking and smelly *adjusts halo and folds wings in*
Seriously though, get her parents involved, explain what's happening, and your concerns, and get them some contraception sorted out. If it were my son, I would also be taking him to the local STD clinic and getting him tested, because if she's doing that to him in your front room, then what else has she done, and who with? More importantly, is she exposing your son to anything harmful?
Of course, in conjunction with the above, it raises the specter for me that she's already pregnant by another boy, and is trying to maneuver the situation so your son has to take responsibility for it.
I am so sorry for not responding to everyone individually. I had the best intentions, but I worked two of my jobs today and then there was an event at the school and right now I'm so exhausted that it seems like an effort to go upstairs to bed.
Thank you all for commiserating with me, advising me, and most of all, laughing with me. It makes it all much more bearable.
XOXO
I hope you've talked with Matt abut sex already.I talked with my son this year.
Good luck.
Nice post. rated.
Kim
I was lucky my two daughters didn't put me through anything like that. There was one boy who seemed so disreputable that I was checking the state's gun laws. Turned out he was too stoned all the time to do anything else.
Now excuse me for sounding like a parental back seat driver, but there's no way you should have let them do that. A simple "Hey, knock that off RIGHT NOW. Show some respect or leave my home."
That's really inappropriate behavior that could result in a new addition to your household, if you get my drift. And it's disrespect coming from BOTH parties.
I know, I know - they're young. But I was the wildest child in the world and would never have thought of going over my boyfriend's house with their parents at home and acted like that. It's just wrong.
It's not so much that it's pre-intercourse (which it is), its them not acknowledging the rules of respect in your home - both of which are dangerous missteps.
Hope that didn't come across like a lecture. What do I know? I can't even raise a houseplant!
Cranky Cuss - Thanks for the advice to get the girl high so she's too stoned to do anything. I would have NEVER thought to do that. :)
Beth - You are totally right, now that I've had a week to think about it of course. I liked the commenter who suggested I clap my hands while yelling "Hey, hey, hey!" as if a cat is the intended target. If I can't use the hose, might as well try the approach that works on other animals, right?
thankyou for sharing!!
Your post cracked me up -- I love your parenting stories! All I can say is good luck!
JLee - You have a teen, too? Condolences, my friend. They're trying to kill us, aren't they?
Leah - Thank you for the nice compliments! Ryan is actually a total hoot. He always cracks me up with the stuff he comes up with. For that, I try to forgive him the Axe pollution.
I think your oldest son did exactly the right thing. Embarresssing your teenagers is always the best route to take.
I'm crying right now, I'm laughing so hard....r.