Man, do I ever feel like crap. Every part of me, from my head to my toes, is hurting, aching, sniffling, coughing, sneezing, or sweating, and doing it all pretty much at the same time.
This is all Dan's fault. I was completely fine and healthy and enjoying life (for the most part, anyway – after all, I do have kids) until he came home on Monday, a living Petri dish full of germs. Most husbands give their wives flowers, but not mine. Mine gives me the flu. Aren't I a lucky girl?
Since I can’t do anything else worthwhile, I try to imagine how he infected me. He was probably coughing and sneezing on me while I was sleeping. I can picture it now, him just letting loose with his coughs, germs flying recklessly onto me while I innocently slept. I can hear his maniacal laughter, knowing that soon I’d understand the same brand of misery he’s been enduring.
Maybe it was when he asked me to get him a new glass of water. I probably picked up those evil microbes from the glass when I took the old glass away. That's what I get for trying to be nice. Next time he’s sick, he can get his own water while I move into a hotel room until he's germ-free.
I wish I could breathe. My head is blocked solid. I try to blow my nose but nothing comes out, even though I know that five minutes later, my nose will be running like a moose from Sarah Palin’s helicopter. Why does my nose run after the fact? Why didn't it run five minutes ago, into my awaiting tissue? Not only can't I breathe, but I also can't recall the last time I could breathe normally. Was it three days ago? Four? Last month some time?
I can’t remember. I swear this pig flu is eating my brain which is doubly unfortunate since I don’t have that much brain capacity left after 3 kids and forty-some years. Actually, my memory might improve if it weren't for this killer headache distracting me. It's the kind of headache that if I'd been drinking, right about now I'd be making all sorts of promises to never drink again if only the relentless pounding wouldpleasepleasepleaseplease stop.
I wonder what time it was when I last took the ibuprofen. Has it been four hours? Let's see...if I count back four hours that would make it 2:00. Or was it 1:00? Wait. I'm not sure I counted correctly. Better try again. 6:00...is one hour; 5:00...is two; 4:00...is three; 3:00 is... Oh hell. What number was I on again? 4:00? Did I take the ibuprofen at 4:00? I can't remember and my mind is too sick to be cavorting around with all of these numbers. Maybe I should Googlewhat happens if you take ibuprofen too soon. On second thought, I think I'll risk it. If it kills me, then at least I won't have to worry about this headache any more.
Or this cough. Why does it feel like there are shards of glass in my chest when I cough? Shards of glass can’t possibly be good. Is this what it feels like when you rip a lung loose or something? I don’t know for sure, but I'm fairly certain that a ripped lung would feel exactly this same way. Maybe I should Google ripped lungjust in case. At least it will give me something to do other than whine.
Wow. Apparently I'm not the only one who's ever Googled ripped lung. There must be sixty or seventy entries here. Look at this one. Google actually has images of ripped lungs. Uh, no thank you. I can imagine quite well what a ripped lung might look like. Nope. I’m not going to look. Looking at that photo would only make me pass out and what good would that do? I mean, it's not like I can even get a free meal out of it.
Hey, what's this? This woman swears by an over-the-counter medication that helped her when she coughed so hard that she felt she'd ripped her lung. That sounds exactly like what I need. I wonder if I can take it with ibuprofen. Wait. Did I actually take the ibuprofen or just think about taking the ibuprofen? I've got to start writing this shit down. It's too much for a sick person to try to remember.
Now that I think about it, I probably didn't take the ibuprofen. If I did, my teeth probably wouldn't be hurting. It feels like someone kept tugging on them until they were all good and loose and sore and then, when it felt as if they couldn’t possibly hurt any more, someone punched me in the mouth.
Whoever heard of a person’s teeth hurting from the flu? It’s true, though. Minereally hurt. I don't think I could eat anything if I tried. My teeth would probably fall out if I tried to bite into anything. Not that I want to eat anyway. It's hard to eat when you have to choose between chewing and breathing. Breathing always wins out. God, I miss breathing. I used to enjoy it so.
Now what is it that I was doing again?
Oh that’s right...trying to survive the flu.
Comments
Jimmy - When he was sick, I made the most wonderful homemade chicken soup guaranteed to cure anything that ails you. When I was sick, I had to eat chicken soup from a can. Sometimes life is NOT fair.
So glad you're feeling better! All my kids have gotten exactly the symptoms you described when they had the flu but somehow I have managed to escape...so far. My weekly volunteering at the elementary school is sure to bring me down eventually, I have never seen so many coughing, snotty kids.
when solids fail, time for the liquids! stay away from milk and milk products...mucus makers (will clog you up very badly).
drink alcoholic beverages laced with lemonade. like big glasses of hot rum with enough Newmans to give the illusion of healthy. stay drunk until you're well.
** feel better.
Glad you're one the road to recovery, but take it easy.
Glad you're feeling better!!! Where's that Steve Blevins when you need him?
*Retreats to a Hazmat suit*
Be well!
Chuck - Yes, the werewolf of London ripped it out and put a photo of it on Google. Thanks for the lack of chicken soup sympathy.
mamoore - Volunteering at an elementary school is guaranteed to expose you to every germ known to mankind. Better stock up on the Advil and Mucinex now.
Lady M - Thank you! I am doing much better this week. There were entire days from when I was sick that I totally don't remember. I hope I behaved myself. :)
Owl - Thank you. XOXO
Cathy - You are so sweet! Thanks for the good advice. I can't take Sudafed though. That stuff makes me crazy (OK, craziER.) I call it Sudaluudes. Mucinex, on the other hand, was a total lifesaver.
No Frills - "stay drunk until you're well"... I knew I adored you for a reason. Such wise advice!
Deborah - I'm better now, thankfully beyond the need for Tamiflu. I wonder how long the cough typically lingers before it goes away completely?
LandP - Bwahaha! Yes, I think dog poop with a hefty dose of giardia would be the perfect thank-you gift. :)
Heather - I guess neither of our husbands will get the Perfect Gift award this year, huh? Thanks so much for stopping by.
Rated.
Ash - Oh no! Didn't mean to send you running for the hazmat suit!
Janie - You know how it is; if we're sick, ain't NOBODY making the soup. Thanks for the empathy. :)
Professor - Thank you for the electronic chicken soup! I actually do feel better. XOXO
Lea - You always make me feel loved. Thank you!
Sally - I should have known that you would know the best drugs to take. :)
Maria - Thanks for the info on the ibuprofen. That makes sense, since prescription-strength ibuprofen is a much higher dose than the over-the-counter stuff. Thanks for the good wishes, too!
Eva - Thank you! I hope no one else catches it. It's not the worse I've had, but certainly not much fun.
R.
JK - "Germ factories called children" - I love that! May I borrow it? Of course, this time, my husband was the germ factory. My youngest two haven't been sick at all this season (thankfully.) I'm sure they'll make up for it before the winter's over though.
I did have to write down the meds. I became too stupid...way more than usual.
Good news! You WILL get better! But you must rest now, dear one. Close your eyes...let your body do the work.
Highly recommended.
Although I could never stop after gulping down 1/2 glass...
I have couple more till I passed out.
While I'm passed out on the couch, I sleep like a baby and sweat like a pig.
Genius way to kick out flu!
Feel better!
I thought I had swine flu but then maybe it was lyme disease again. Who knows? Not me - not my doctor's. It's a mystery.
You are amazing when you are well, and equally amazing when you are sick. I'm kind of sort of happy no barf is involved. Although, yes, you rock the barf theme like noone else.
my love to you, Ms. Kern. Get well!
Steve! You made it here after all! :)
aim - I'm sorry to hear that you were sick, too. Hopefully you're feeling better now. Thanks for the compliment about the barf-writing. XOXO
On occasion, hot baths have brought me back to life. I heard somewhere that the only thing that kills a virus is the fever you get when you catch the flu, so I have taken to the tub to bring on a fever when I am feeling like I can handle it. When I already have a fever this does not feel good and might not be good for you.
After suffering from bi-annual bouts of allergy related coughs that sometimes turned into pneumonia I now hit the cough syrup hard and often. I know from experience that 1/2 bottle of Robit**** will not kill you. Disassociate you from the ground, yes. Death, no.