Monday, June 25, 2012

Hello, Sir. May I Assist You With Your Final Needs?


DECEMBER 12, 2008 8:14AM

Hello, Sir. May I Assist You With Your Final Needs?

RATE: 21
In thinking of a worst job ever, telemarketing is frequently mentioned.  Just imagine, though, if the item that you’re attempting to sell over the telephone was something that the customer wouldn’t even be alive to use.  Yes, folks, it's true.  I once had a job as a telemarketer selling cemetery plots. 
 
I did not apply for this job; it was a natural progression of things.  My mother worked for a cemetery in the bookkeeping department and had gotten me my first job there stuffing envelopes.  I was 10 years old.  I was paid seven cents for each envelope I stuffed.  The job was easy; the only requirement was to have neat handwriting, which I did, thanks to those early years at Catholic school. 
 
I was given a special directory that businesses use for advertising purposes in order to obtain the names and addresses.  I’d then address the envelope and stuff it with a sales letter.  To this day, I can fold a business letter in thirds and have it come out perfectly even every time.  I know – it’s an amazing talent.
 
After a couple of years, I was given a raise of three cents per envelope.  I was the only 12 year old I knew who always had money in her pocket in the 1970’s. I loved my envelope stuffing job.  It was a sweet gig that I could do from home while watching TV. 
 
When I was 16 or 17 years old, my boss asked if I would consider calling the people to whom I’d sent letters and ask if they were interested in purchasing a cemetery plot.  This type of thing was called a “pre-need” arrangement because the cemetery lot, the vault, and the casket are purchased before they’re actually needed.  In other words:  while the customer is still alive. 
 
I told my boss that I didn’t really feel comfortable trying to sell cemetery plots to people. 
 
“Oh, you won’t actually be selling,” he told me.  “Once you know that the people are interested, just give me their names and I’ll have one of our sales associates call them back.”
 
He offered me $2.00 for every lead, which in those days, was a generous sum of money.  He also told me that if I happened to call someone who already owned a burial plot at his cemetery, he would give me $2.00 if they’d consider purchasing a concrete burial vault.  Apparently, if a casket is put into the ground without one, the pressure of the ground on top of it, along with rainwater seepage, could cause the casket to fall apart.  Fall apart?  Who would be OK with letting that happen?  Surely everyone will want to buy a burial vault!  All I had to do was ask if they were interested.  How hard could that be?  I agreed to give it a try.

I was given a script to follow when I made the calls:  “Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m calling from Peaceful Gardens Cemetery*.  I’d like to be able to assist you in taking care of your final needs.”  
With a spiel like that, you can probably guess the two most likely outcomes: the person that I’ve called would either hang up on me, or they’d be unable to resist turning my little script into something sexual.  There seemed to be an awful lot of men that were interested in my help, though not so much for a cemetery plot.
Even without trolling for perverts, my brief experience in cemetery telemarketing taught me that no one, NO ONE, wants to think about their death, let alone pay money for it up front while they’re still alive.  Not ever. Not even if you are currently offering a Fabulous! Specially-priced!  Limited Time Only!  Pre-Need Interment Package.
  
* not the cemetery’s real name

Comments

This is very funny, Lisa, in a macabre sort of way. There's too much potential for mischief in such a phone call, on the receiving end.
Funny! "Taking care of your final needs" sounds like you'd, ahem, assist the living one last time before he keels over. Your timing would have to be perfect (ha).
Yeah, that does sound like a tough sell... but a very good post.
Lisa,

Funny! Particularly loved your tags.

Can you imagine what it must have sounded like to those you called...that 16 year old voice wanting to discuss pre-paid burial???
This reminds me of the time that my Sunday School class went on a field trip to the funeral home. We had to watch a film strip in the dark with a dead lady who was on display, her viewing was to be later in the day. I remember nothing of the film strip but the lady was wearing a purple printed dress and needed her hair combed out just a touch more.
Lisa,
This is a scream. You were set up!

Jess, that sounds like an avocation to me!
Heard of one at risk girl who loved makeup but just hated people so beauty operator was out. They found her the perfect career as a post-mortem makeup artist. No sass from that customer!
Lisa, I'm surprised your not the Director of Sales by now. You were skyrocketing up the ladder for a while, there! I once worked telemarketing for a vacuum company, though it never carried the prestige of the "soon to be afterlife" like your position did. Now when I shop the want ads, telemarketing is about the only work in the paper. I just can't wait to get back to that cold little room.
PS. I've just gotta know! Did you ever even make any two dollar sales leads?
Rob - I must have either been the most naive person on the planet, or else just so used to the cemetery terminology that I didn't realize the potential for my words to be taken in a much different way until it started happening.

Deonne - I know - timing would certainly be everything!

Roger - I actually had another telemarketing job where I sold lawn care service. That one was much easier to get leads than this one.

m.a.h. - I think back on it now and wonder why on earth my boss would even consider putting a 16 year old in that job. I guess if the 10 year old could stuff envelopes...?

Jess - Ewww! That would SO skeeve me out. Your experience sounds like a great blog post, though: "Worst Field Trips" perhaps?

O'Stephanie - I suppose there is a job for everyone. What we think is awful, might be someone else's dream job.

Michael - Ha ha! Yes, I sure was climbing the Final Needs Corporate Ladder for awhile there. If I didn't have to move out of state, perhaps I'd still be there (although I would hope not!) You really do lose the "ewww" reaction when you're surrounded by death as part of a business environment. And to answer your question, yes, I did make some $2.00 sales leads. Exactly TWO of them!

Thank you, everyone, for reading, rating, and commenting. I appreciate it.
Oh, the Catholics did. I believe my parents got theirs shortly after they were married. Can't be too careful. One simply did not pass into the afterlife except through sanctified ground. You should have used that in your pitch.
There are actually people who are interested in these things: parents who want to guilt you our and continually remind you of their pending death so you don't call them out on their outrageous antics. Now, if they could just get a list of those people, it would be pure gold, baby. I know a couple of people I can seed the list with.
Fun post. Thanks, Lisa. Gets a little weird, doesn’t it, selling funeral arrangements. ‘This Week’s Special: 50% off on all Gold Urns!’

I guess it’s true that practically no one wants to be sold their death before their time. But there’s something to the idea of it. One of the many caring things my parents did for me and my sisters was to make their funeral arrangements now, while they’re still alive. Not only was it a gift to us by taking away some of the inevitable pain and discomfort, but it was also a smart investment. The prices for everything they bought are at today’s costs. That’s a real discount considering that those items and the plot will be much more costly later when they’ll actually be used.
"“Hi, my name is Lisa and I’m calling from Peaceful Gardens Cemetery*. I’d like to be able to assist you in taking care of your final needs.”
Could you actually say this with a straight face?
When I was a little kid, everytime we drove by a cemetary, and I do mean everytime, my father would say "That's a popular place", and everytime I would ask "Why?" and he would reply "People are dying to get in." It took me years to get it. Now I do this to my kids. They tolerate it.
Thanks for the post.
rated
That call is worse than getting the aarp letter. It's amazing how many awful jobs we have all had to endure; even with your usual kindness you couldn't make a sale on such a downer.
My mother, God rest her soul, took care of everything before it was due, expired or in true-need, including her burial. I hated that she did that, but it was also a real gift. She paid for my father's service while he was still alive, with a brain tumor. We were told he wouldn't make it. She took care of his "arrangements" in advance, never telling him, but telling me that taking care of business would never prevent a miracle from happening. The miracle we wanted didn't happen, but pre-planning saved her several thousand dollars. And when she died, of course, she had already taken care of things. All I had to was cry.

Beautiful post.
Jimmy - I wish they would have given me the Catholic list then. Maybe I could have made some decent money!

angrymom - I'm so glad to see you! Unfortunately, I know a couple of people in my own life like that. They weren't buying when I had that job, though.

David - I just received a phone call from my grandmother who will be 90 years old in January. She called to tell me that she just finished making all of her final arrangements. Even though my initial reaction was "uh-oh, why is she telling me this?" I now feel relieved that she has all of these plans in place.

LuluandPhoebe - Yes, nothing is more guaranteed to make one hate the telephone than having a telemarketing job.

Grif - My father used to use that exact same joke! He told it over and over and over and never got tired of it. Every time we passed a cemetery (which was often since there was one right near our house) he would tell that joke. Thanks for the memory!

Lea - I think these awful jobs make us stronger. Or, if nothing else, we complain less about the jobs that come afterward!

Thank you all for stopping by. :)
Lisa - Wow. Your mom sounds like she was such a caring person. I never really considered the benefit of having these types of plans taken care of in advance, but I know that when my grandmother told me that she'd purchased and paid for her arrangements, it felt like such a relief. I don't know how people make those kinds of choices and decisions when they're so overcome with grief. Now that I'm considering the benefits of planning ahead, I would probably be much more successful at this job if I had it today. Thank you for your kind comment.
Lisa, this is very funny. I can imagine how embarrassing some of the responses from the men must have been for you! Did you wish that they were dead right then and there?

Having lived and pastored in several different areas of the country the use of pre-arrangements by funeral homes varies greatly. Here in a valley with steep hills coming down close to the river and with the towns all being in existence since even before 1800 in most cases the best cemeteries are pretty much filling up.

The best one here in Newcomerstown is a couple of blocks from my house and is totally "full." The problem is that it is not actually full. But all the plots are already sold. Families will buy up several plots in an area for all the people in the family, but many of the kids won't want them. Then the parents die and the plots go into a trust and it is often hard to find the current owners. So since some families do it then others do it too for fear there won't be a plot for them. It feeds on itself.

The other weird thing from my point of view is that when one spouse dies a big stone is put up that takes care of two side by side plots. The deceased spouse goes in one plor and his name, birth date and death date are engraved on the stone. THEN the name of the surviving spouse is engraved on the other half of the stone and her birth date is also engraved. A blank spot is left for the undead one.

Gives me the creeps. Imagine going to the cemetery to visit your dead loved one and seeing each time that you are undead. What are you supposed to do, just lay down and die so the damn stone will be finished? What if you want to marry again? What if you move to Peru? What if you really never liked the bastard and don't want to spend one second more underground next to him than you wanted to spend above ground?

To sum up, most people here (except Sue and I) have pre-arranged funeral home and cemetery plans.

As a pastor I do agree that having all this done in advance takes an enormous burden off the surviving spouse and the children. They don't fight over it, etc. Just don't try to sell me a double stone!

Good post!

Monte
(rated)
envelope stuffing- that does sound like a sweet gig!
sorry for the pervs you had to deal with :/
Monte - I should have been telemarketing in your town. It doesn't sound like the folks there are much for cremation. I agree with you about the double-headstone issue. I've seen a lot of problems with those, most notably that the surviving spouse remarries. The family then has the costly expense of replacing the headstone as well as deciding who will be buried in that empty plot next to Great Aunt Dolores.

hyblaen - I did love that envelope-stuffing job. After I moved, I fell for a few scam ones. Apparently, I had the only legitimate envelope-stuffing job on the planet because I haven't seen another one since.
So true, that no one wants to pay money now for when they're gone and dead. Very funny. :-)
Scruffus - If it was difficult to make a sale back then, can you imagine what it must be like now?
(Originally Posted On Open salon - Editor's Pick)

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