It’s morning. I think of what day it is. God, please let it not be the 15th. I don’t have the money for the payroll taxes. Oh wait... did I pay the truck? Shit! I didn’t pay the truck. I hope that check comes today. It’s Wednesday and we need it for payroll. And it’s mortgage week. Oh God, if we don’t make payroll, then we won’t be able to pay our mortgage. Where am I going to get the money for the mortgage? That check has got to come today.
I make my way downstairs and to my first cup of coffee, still thinking about the day ahead. If I ask my son to not cash his paycheck from last week, I might have enough to pay the truck. Oh wait. The payment is due to our window supplier. They’ll be calling if they don’t receive it and that woman is a persistent bitch. The truck will have to wait, but I’ll still have to ask my son to not cash his paycheck. I don’t want to bounce anything. Now that our bank has been taken over by a new one, they’ve changed some of their practices. That check had better come today or we will be so screwed.
There are messages on our business line answering machine, but not the kind we need. Instead of messages from customers needing work done on their homes, they’re messages from out of work contractors looking for jobs. You can always tell when the economy is bad. The customer calls stop and calls from people looking for work begin.
I pack lunches for the day and talk to my husband. I remind him that we need to get some money in even though he’s well aware of our situation. We used to have employees, but now there’s just my son and him to do the same amount of work that used to be done by four people. We can’t afford to hire more people because the only work that we manage to sell these days is being sold at 1982 prices. Unfortunately, 1982 prices cannot support the payment of 2009 materials, 2009 subcontractors, 2009 insurance and 2009 payroll taxes. We’re still in business, but sinking. Rather than a fast drown, it’s a slow, sinking descent into financial quicksand. Either way, we will soon be swallowed up completely.
Shit. The kids need their field trip money. I look in my wallet. $3.00. I’m way short. Maybe I can make up the difference with change from the jar that we were using to save up for vacation. I might as well. We’re not going to be able to take that vacation this year, either. I count out the change and put it in an envelope along with a short apology for the coins.
Everyone is finally off to work and school and I sit down at the computer to begin the work I do from home. I’m still considering how I’m going to pay these bills, the mortgage, and the payroll taxes with no money. Just calm down. It will be OK. If we can’t pay them, we can’t pay them.
I can feel the blood pulsing through the arteries on the side of my neck. I think my blood pressure is high. I should probably have that looked at. Oh wait. I’m not sure the health insurance is still in force. I paid that last premium way too late. Beyond the grace period. That’s been happening a lot lately. We really can’t afford our insurance; $1200 per month for health insurance is outrageous. But the pre-existing conditions...we have to keep it. We’re trapped.
I check my email to see if there are any work assignments in there. There aren’t. I open an email from my boss: she’s very sorry...business has been bad...she needs to cut my hours...the first time she’s had to do anything like this in 20 years in business...one girl in the office had her hours cut by two-thirds...she hopes it’s only temporary.
I feel my heart sink and the panic rise. We were struggling to make it before. What’s it going to be like with my hours cut? I know I should be grateful that I still have a job, but it’s hard to find my gratitude when things are so worrisome for us financially. With this news, I have no hope of being able to put in extra hours for some extra money to help us catch up. We’re going to sink faster in that quicksand now.
I hear the mail truck pull up outside and I go out to get the mail. Maybe the check came today. I sort through the mail: bill, bill, junk mail, credit card letter. No check. Now what are we going to do?
I open the letter from the credit card company. Apparently the credit card that we use to purchase materials for our business has been sold to another company. That company has opted to close all of the accounts. We won’t be able to use the card to purchase business materials after the end of March. It’s the only one we have and we depend upon it for cash flow. How are we going to get around this? Now we’ve lost our credit. This must be what they talk about on the news: credit drying up for small businesses. It feels different, though, when it actually happens to you.
One of our subcontractors calls, asking if we have any work. He hasn’t had any work since October. He’s willing to do whatever is needed even though he’s a painter by trade. Another one calls asking if pleasepleaseplease can we pay him right away for that job he did last week. But we haven’t been paid by the customer yet. He’s totally out of money and begging. Well, if I hold off on paying the window supplier, I can pay him instead. In this business, you always take care of your subs first. We’re all in this together.
I’ve got to pay the mortgage and we’re not going to be able to make payroll this week. I need cash quick. I saw in the paper that a local jeweler is buying gold. Instant cash, exactly what I need right now.
I gather up some of my jewelry into a box. A ring from my grandmother. She gave it to me when we met for the first time when I was 19. I hope she doesn’t find out about this. Here’s a necklace my mom bought for me. I can part with this bracelet; I never get a chance to wear it. I like this piece, but it’s a heavy one that will bring more money. Into the box it goes. Can’t I find a few more pieces? I reluctantly choose a couple more rings, a few more earrings, another necklace. I look at the empty spaces in my jewelry box but then quickly close the lid. Having a home is more important than jewelry.
Comments
(((Lisa)))
Steering the damn boat in this storm is tough for everbody and there doesn't seem to be an end to the storm.
Stupid storm aka recession.
It lifts my soul to wake up this morning and see so many compassionate comments. I truly appreciate it.
John - We're hoping that as people become more confident in the economy, they will once again start spending money for home repairs and additions. Thanks for the good wishes.
Al - Eh, there's probably not a market for it, but I felt like the story needed to be told.
JK - Read the hermit crab one. It's much lighter! I did worry about posting this one since it's such a departure from my humor pieces. The next one will be funny - I promise.
MB - Thanks for the hug. Can't have too many of those. :)
Dr. Spud - Yes, when I read your "Dull Knife" post, I could feel your pain. It's the unknowing that's the hard part. Hang in there. We'll get through this, one way or another.
Anni and Roy - I appreciate your compassion and good wishes. Thank you.
Shiral - You're a dear. Thank you. I'm still holding onto hope that it will turn around sooner rather than later.
Ablonde - That's it exactly. Going through a situation like this makes it crystal clear what are priorities and what is merely "stuff." I do, however, want to scream, "OK, OK, I get the lesson - enough already!" :)
Jess - That was so kind of you to voluntarily take less hours so that your co-worker would be spared. Tough times stink, but they also have a way of bringing out the very best in people, a quality you've clearly demonstrated.
Mary - It is stressful. It's the constant worry about where the next dollar is going to come from that wears on me. I feel like my entire life is being wished away, waiting for that next check. Thank you for understanding.
Sandra - I started crying when I read your words. It's so exhausting to live this every day, and to find someone who understands it intimately really touched me. Perhaps we can prop each other up. Thank you so much.
Tink - Perfect analogy! Here's to calmer waters for all of us.
David - You are always so supportive. Thank you for that. Our business isn't totally depending upon new housing starts, since we do home remodeling rather than new construction, but we desperately need consumer confidence to improve. No one wants to spend any money. Fixing up their homes takes a back seat to eating out or even shopping. We're pretty far down the spending ladder. Hoping better days will come. At least we're seeing small glimmers of hope, something I couldn't say two months ago.
Hugs to you for the courage to write this personal post about how paying bills is a tight balancing act. I feel tears as I write this.
I wish I could hug you and say something.
I understand your grief.
"Unfortunately, 1982 prices cannot support the payment of 2009 materials, 2009 subcontractors, 2009 insurance and 2009 payroll taxes."
How does everyone get away with this???? How does inflation continue to rise, but the paychecks stay the same??? I just don't get it.
Lots of hugs and prayers... the roof over your head is more important. It really stinks having to make such choices. But if it's any consolation, I'm right there with you.
I've just had my hours cut AGAIN for the next two weeks. I was feeling sorry for myself, but thanks for reminding me that others have it worse.
screamin mama - I keep wondering if our family is the only one who's watched our income roll backwards while our expenses escalate out of control but apparently we're not. Thank you for commiserating with me.
Leeandra - I'm sorry that your hours were cut again. It's getting harder to find people who have it worse but then I see images of that tent city in California and my appreciation is restored.
Professor - Thank you! You've been uncannily able to predict this entire mess. Do you see an end coming soon?
I will say a prayer for you and your family today when I pray for mine.
Many of us are struggling in different ways. You put a face on this one.
Whatever you do - hold onto that health insurance as long as you can. With all of the challenges my parents have faced financially, a fully unexpected emergency surgery and month-long hospitalization would have been a catastrophe without their insurance coverage.
I wish I could forward this along to my mother so that she could receive some reassurance, but at this point, it would be just another day of tears and not being able to sleep at night. Its a fine line to walk - being supportive is important, but more than anything, I think my parents look to me so they can ignore their situation for just a little while. When you're being beaten over the head with neverending money woes and anxiety, its sometimes nice to talk about something else. Doesn't solve a damn thing, but I hope it provides them with a least a few minutes of happier thoughts. Hope you have someone or something to bring that to you and your family as well.
I notice in your tags that one is "recession." Well, one of the definitions of a depression is that people have to sell off their shit just to stay even, so we're not in a recession anymore baby, this is what full-fledged depression looks like.
Your grandmother's ring... Yeah...
Remember Joe Blow? He was one of my favs and we have not heard from him in months. I suspect that his buiness, which depended heavily on credit, is no more.
Do not know how the small business stimulus is supposed to work but do watch out for scams as the greedheads are out there making promises in return for your bank account number.
Vultures.
Wish you the best of luck!
My family is in a similar situation at the moment. This sounds terrible, but it kind of helps to know that others are struggling with similar issues. We're not alone; we can commiserate together.
30 years self-employed too, with just enough "normal" jobs thrown in to know the difference. We don't have the layer in between that keeps us out of the know.That means we know first when we're going to be laying ourselves off and trying to keep our team near by dividing up the dribs and drabs that are left over. Then the phone stops. The dividing becomes another piece of economic fiction.
The building trades are so hard hit. I'm finding more work for my buddies needing it than I am for myself. Have to keep them going too or nobody will be there when I call for them to toss the life ring to me.
Maybe it will be gold.
Now I'm furious with the "media" who can't seem to illustrate what's really going on to save their lives.
What I learned from my experience is this: we always worry about "what if this happens or that?" We lay awake at night thinking about. And then when it finally did happen--I wasn't so worried anymore.
I never thought I wouldn't be able to pay my rent--and the when I couldn't, I just moved on.
Can you get out of the business at all? I've seen too many "holding on and hoping" while money flies out the door. Part of owning your own business, I've found out, is knowing when to quit. I waited way too long. Don't you, too.
I have had to pawn jewelry in the past. The experience is horrible. They make you feel worse and give you less than the value because, well, you're desperate.
I really really really really hope things improve for you. You should be getting paid for your writing. I wish I could pay you.
(when it happens, and it will, it is going to feel great!)
I feel your pain, I do. Big brotherly hugs from me to you.
Rated
" But the pre-existing conditions...we have to keep it. We’re trapped."
My COBRA payment is 401.85/month. I don't know what I'll do. But I have to have the Norvasc or I'll pop. I can't pop before Mom pops. The precious family glassware circa 1700 is looking particularly salable right now. And Papa's watches...
And remember, dying for capitalism doesn't make you noble, it makes you a sucker.
'Having a home is more important than jewelry.' i see not everyone agrees with that statement but it is. Here's hoping for you.
Outside of two good years right after Hurricane Charley, I've been struggling ever since. All of the people I know that I've done work for as a sub or employee are now doing the work themselves, the same as your family.
I've been in this boat for six out of the last eight years and I am tired. It is getting worse. I try to keep an open mind and a positive outlook, but it gets more difficult as time goes by.
I see good indicators, but improvement comes slowly. Like so many, I see my life's work slowly spinning toward the drain and I can't do a thing to stop it and I am tired. Broke and tired.
also as a jeweler, i'd encourage you to try the pawn shop rather than using cash for gold route. those ads make me want to throw things at the tv.
but now that you've done it, blog about it.
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/goldkit/reputation.shtml
and everyone reading this, please dutifully google cash for gold, and click on this link:
http://www.cockeyed.com/citizen/goldkit/cheat.shtml
The line about 1982 wages really hit home with me. Currently, big commercial owners are accepting bids that are 20% (ore more) lower than what they would have been a year ago. Don't they see that not only are they taking advantage of a situation and people's lives, but also depressing wages for years to come? I mean, they're not going to add that 20% on again anytime soon. Meanwhile, I can't tell you how many subs I've called on bid day to make sure their number was correct - "Are you sure this is your number? Yes, I gotta eat. OK - you know you're 20%, 25%, 30% low, right? Yes, I know."
Hang in there. It's gotta get better, 'cause it can't get any worse.
Rated.
I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this. My prayers are with you. Always.
Monte
Yes, the dearth of financing has been going on in commercial construction since last fall. Property owners can't get loans for new construction without signed leases (a year ago a notice of intent would have been sufficient). Tenants for these potential buildings can't get loans from anywhere, so they can't very well sign a lease. And so General Contractors can't work for the Owners. Their suppliers and subs are also out of work.
This started happening in my area last Sept/Oct. Hasn't improved, except that private finance owners just keep pushing prices down, down, down.
What gave me my pitchfork moment was the original bailout, because I just knew that even if banks got money, the wouldn't lend it out - they'd just cover their bad debts. Which is apparently what is happening.
I was away from this today because I actually had work. Each day with work means that we're not dead yet.
T. S. - I feel a kinship with your wife, doing what she has to do. Even though it stinks having to resort to selling sentimental items, at least gold prices are currently high. Thanks for the prayers. Sending them back at you.
mamoore - Thank you. I'm trying to give a voice to others who are in similar moment-to-moment situations.
Lea - All of our struggles are different but they're still all struggles. The only consolation is that we're not alone. Thank your for always being so supportive.
Jane - (((thank you)))
Dustbowldiva - You get it. It's being greeted by panicky feelings from the moment I open my eyes to the time I close them at night. Here's to better days.
Dogmom - You're so kind! I appreciate that the comments have been so supportive. It really lifts my spirits.
JustJuli - I keep saying that if, no, WHEN, we get through this, I no longer want to do bookkeeping!
Allie - I've wondered about that too: is the term "recession" still correct? I'm not a financial person but it feels like a depression to me.
Lainey - Thank you. :)
Sao Kay - I hear you about cashing in the bonds. I had to do that as well. Selling the jewelry with sentimental value is distressing, but not as distressing as it would be to be homeless. I try to keep the perspective on it and that makes it easier.
O'Steph - I wondered what happened to Joe Blow. I hope that you're not correct and that he's just taking a break. I hate to see so many people living a similar existence. Thank you so much for your kindness. It means the world. XOXO
Suzie - I'm sorry to hear that your town is experiencing a downturn, too. My situation is merely one face of a broadly reaching problem. The suffering seems to know no boundary. I certainly hope that things turn around for all of us very soon.
Mr. Mustard - That thought did enter my mind even though I quickly ushered it out again. :)
jenshrader - I actually did pretty well selling the jewelry. My grandmother's ring and the bracelet were heavy. I must have had God or angels with me as I did make enough to pay the mortgage. It would have felt way worse if I'd sold it all and still wasn't enough.
Odette - Thank you... :)
sickofstupid - I'm sorry you're dealing with a similar situation. You are right in that it is somehow easier knowing that we have others with whom to share the burden. I don't feel as hopeless now that I've heard from all of you.
MAWB - You know, it's funny. My mother just called me today to tell me that she went to sell some jewelry today (she's on social security and not making it because of medical bills.) Who knew it was a new trend? :)
Zuma - That's why I decided to write it. Even though it's tough for me to put it out there, I wanted people to put a face to the problem. The media doesn't seem to be portraying things accurately. Thank you for stopping by.
cartouche - Thank you. I try very hard to not let the fear consume me but it isn't always easy. Fear begets fear and I certainly don't need any more of it. I appreciate your kind words more than I can express.
Lisa - XOXO
From the Midwest - Thank you for sharing your situation. The sad part is that we can't simply close the business. We will be jobless if we do. No one is hiring anywhere in construction (or in any other field for that matter.) This is all we've got for income. My part-time work from home job isn't enough to support our household. It's truly being stuck between a rock and a hard place.
aim - Wow! Such nice compliments. You made my day. :)
Blue - It's funny but the idea of people fleeing to Mexico or Canada isn't so far-fetched. Who ever would have thought such a thing? Thanks for the support.
Cat - I'm sorry. It sounds like you're no better off. I shudder to think at the number of family heirlooms that are ending up in pawn shops these days.
Harry - I hear you. I am trying very hard to hold on to my wedding ring. Thanks for stopping by.
TrudiJo - Oh my! You're so sweet. Thank you so much. :)
Michael - I forgot about rolling the coins. I hear you! Are you in the trades, too? I know that it's particularly bad in Florida. Here's my shoulder if you need it.
Monique - Yes, it stinks but I'm grateful that I had an "out" as I'm sure you were at the time. Thanks so much for your support.
Connie - Ha ha! Such good advice! Yes, we do have to remember to take care of ourselves, don't we? Getting sick would really complicate things.
bstrangely - Wow, your grandmother pawned her ring three times? How sad! I actually sold my jewelry to a jeweler. I know that there are a lot of scams out there. I'll check out your links. Thanks for posting them.
Critical Path - A kindred spirit! It's awful isn' it? How on earth are the rates ever going to adjust to their true value when so much is undercutting them? It's brutal. I hope, as I'm sure you do, that we've already reached the bottom and the only place to go is UP.
SuznMaree - You said it. It's that constant anxiety-ridden juggling.
Faith - Thank you. The only way to go is UP from here, right?
AshKW - Thanks for the hugs. Sending some your way, too.
High Lonesome - I wonder if I can be given an honorary degree in creative money-management? Thanks for stopping by. :)
Monte - You're exactly right. The unwillingness of banks to lend has contributed a great deal to this problem. People typically use home equity to fund home improvements, but with housing values, tanking, banks being unwilling to lend, and credit drying up, no one is able to do anything even if they wanted to. Thanks for the prayers. :)
Critical Path - I agree. The banks are just sitting on the bailout money instead of lending it. I can't find much good to say about them these days.
Delia - Thank you. I appreciate the vote of confidence.
Hang in there. Shoulder here if needed.
I noticed that someone had mentioned that their unemployment had run out, they have to make the COBRA payments, and they need their medications.
Wal-Mart recently introduced their $4 medication plan. You can get a 30-day supply of any medication on their list of over 300 generic meds--and growing--or a 90-day supply for $10.
Most doctors will be helpful and write a prescription for the closest available med on the list if yours isn't listed and you don't have a prescription plan.
Many doctors are also willing to help out by utilizing the free sample meds they get from the drug reps that visit. Don't be afraid to explain your situation, and ask if there are any sample packs of your meds available.
Pharmeceutical companies also have programs to help patients get the meds they need. You can ask for the paperwork at your doc's office, or check the company's website (check your prescription bottle for the company name). These programs are income based.
Also consider checking into the Medicaid program in your state. You may be eligible for Medicaid to pay your COBRA payments or regular health insurance premiums.
Sally - Aw, thanks. You're always so good to me. I appreciate it. :)
sickofstupid - Sounds like more good advice. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with all of us.
Emma - I don't think that anyone is immune to the current suffering; we all just join in the party in different ways. Thanks for understanding. We'll get through this. :)
I have been gone for so long, I didn't know all is going on with you. I do have some advice, if you haven't already done it:
Is your mortgage at all out of line with your income (duh, of course)? The banks are rewriting mortgages to fit different ratios now -- there are so many plans, but I "think" it is to either 31% or 38% of your net pay.
Some of our local banks are letting homeowners rewrite their loans to have interest only at 4% for the next five years, after which they will renegotiate to other fixed terms. If you have time (please try to make the time), you can probably get some relief on your mortgage just now.
I am just becoming aware of the various mortgage relief programs -- there are so many twists that I cannot tell you what will work for you. You might try to search the following website for information:
http://makinghomeaffordable.gov/
Good luck, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. It will get better is a good mantra -- the housing sector gets too little press, but we are the sector that needs to recover before too much else can happen with the economy. I think Pres. Obama gets it, but does the rest of the world?
Thanks for sharing this. Check out our site for my latest.
Love, D
I heard from the Secretary of the Treasury in our office (actually our Office Manager and Chief of Finance at our eight person company....) that under some provision of the stimulus package that employees can get COBRA at 35% of the costs and the employer can pick up the other 65% and get a tax deduction for it.
For all who are considering COBRA, this may be helpful.
Hang in there, and to paraphrase one of my favorite movie lines, while it may be a sad world at times, it is also a beautiful one.
Lisa - you have overheard my empathy redirected. I'm hoping a smidge went your way.
Unfortunately, I have been very busy, but nothing is really coming from it. I am hanging in, though. In the meantime, I am doing rookie work like Broker Price Opinions and website maintenance for the top agent for an hourly wage. I am ashamed of my mediocre performance, and this hurts my ego as I am normally a top agent, but that is how it goes sometimes...
In the meantime, I continue to attract customers who seem not to be motivated to either sell for a lesser price or buy for a higher price. The only way to make money now is to sell the cheaper properties to buyers willing to take a leap of faith. There are many more buyers now than over the past year which is great!
To share my latest: I received a phone call at 8:30 pm from a potential buyer who wanted me to meet them at 9 am the next day to make an offer on a property listed for $130,000. Their offer was $60,000 cash....even in these times, it just ain't gonna happen!. Could not get them off that number so it was a complete waste of time. That has been my life since my last closing in January -- NINE buyers who did not and will not buy at this time.
I keep thinking Karma, but I know better. It just isn't my turn.
None of my troubles compare to yours or others here on OS, however. Times are tough, but I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I am trying to regain my mojo and as spring comes, you will regain yours! Best of luck -- hopefully, that mortgage site will help you. Send me an email if so? I get on OS for about five minutes every couple weeks...miss everyone terribly!
I cannot imagine what it must be like to do so under these financial conditions - at least up until your article showed up.
Well done and thank you for reminding me why I finally got out,
Critical Path - Thanks for sharing the COBRA info. I'm sure that it will benefit a lot of people.
Stacey - Oh my gosh, are you nice! That made my day. :)
Lisa - Your last closing was in January? Yikes! It seems like everyone is working so hard, even harder than usual, to try to drum up business but still no one is buying. I hope that the Spring and Summer will elevate people's moods.
P. S. If it was simply karma-based, you'd be rolling in piles of cash with the amount of good karma you put out in the Universe. XO
Duaneart - I hear you! There's this sad joke that my husband likes to say: "Want to know how to make a small fortune by owning your own business? Start with a large fortune." Thank you for stopping by to commiserate.
All this has hit you damned hard. I would say that my thoughts, concerns and prayers are with you, but seing that I'm a heathen non-believer, there won't be any prayers.
BUT, that leaves thoughts and concerns, and those you sincerely have. I hope you find a way out of the mess before you. I truly do.
annette2009 - Thank you. I do wonder if this crisis had an equalizing effect among everyone. No matter how much all of us planned, we've still ended up hurt. How on earth can you possibly plan for everything tanking at once? My boss thought she had planned for everything and still it caught her, too. I don't think anyone is 100% immune. I appreciate your kind words.
Holding you in the light, as you and Di taught me to do. Caro