When will I learn? These days, when it comes to you, I have to accept that you will disappoint me. People tell me, pretend he is dead, yet I keep hoping that this will be the year when it hits you, when you confront the mistakes that you’ve made and the people you’ve hurt, when you finally admit what you’ve given up.
Two Christmases have passed, and now this one, and yet you refuse to see it. You cling to the one who has lied to you, the one who has convinced you to discard us, the one whose heart is so closed that not even our kindness could open it.
When you were told that your family misses you, your response was, “I have a new family now.” How do you simply replace people you’ve known and loved your whole life, people who share your blood, for people you’ve only known for two years? Are we that expendable to you? How can you be so weak to allow this woman, this selfish narcissist who loves no one but herself, to cast such a spell on you? She won’t change me, you said, but a mere nine days later, she had. Now you sequester yourselves within a paranoid bubble, certain that we’re all out to harm you. Under her mind control, you’re unable to see that all we ever wanted was to love you.
At least this Christmas, the kids have stopped waiting for you to show up. In a few more years, the youngest won’t remember you at all. The oldest, the one who used to be your golden boy, is angry, still stinging from your rejection. The middle one, your namesake, reminisces about the “good old days” when Gram was alive and you loved us. How can that not bother you? A twelve-year-old should not have to long for “good old days.”
Most days, I can accept this strange path on which we’ve all landed, and feel gratitude for the years we were together, whole, as a family. Other days, the pain is fresh, such as when I see couples with their parents and grandfathers with their grandchildren.
And special days like Christmas.
Comments
Peace, cheers and Namaste
Be well and May the Blessings Be.......
Sorry to hear of the disappointment - again.
A similar story occured in our family. Although the "old man" died ten years ago, we we all unable to span the breach caused by this other woman, regardless of our acceptance of the situation. It's a long sad story with all the parallels of your situation, so I know "exactly" how you feel.
My only advice is to leave the door open, but don't expect any miracles. Pride goes before the fall. I hope the best for you. I really do. I'm just saying don't hold your breath.
I am sorry for what you are going through. Can you imagine the bitterness inside this woman to cause such a rift? As a stepmother, I cannot imagine myself trying to come between my husband and his children and believe in my heart that I was doing the right thing. From my perspective, only a selfish ego would even desire the same. Take care of yourself, please? It isn't you being a problem here, it is them.
I've managed to make peace with other family issues in my life, but this forced estrangement with my father-in-law, who was always like a father to me (actually more so than my own father), feels like a knife in the gut every single day.
Seeing the negative effects on my husband and children are the worst. Children do not have the life experience to realize that it's not their fault, and therefore, I see ongoing evidence of how his rejection has stained their lives.
I know that the healthy thing to do is maintain distance, and we do, because to remain in his life while he is with her is too toxic for our family. We've taken care to leave an "out" for him, in case he comes to his senses. Ever the optimist, I hold onto hope that a miracle might happen and he'll leave her. It's extremely unlikely, of course, because she's worked hard to make him entirely dependent upon her. She's taken all of his money, his home, his possessions, alienated family and friends, and convinced him to give up his hobbies. She even, no lie, owns his clothing. All that he has left is her, which affords her supreme control. She likes to tell him, "It's just you and me, kid."
Thank you all for your compassion. I'm surprised to hear that so many of you know EXACTLY what we're going through. I hope that all of us can find the gift of acceptance.
Many, many thanks.
You write so eloquently about the pain.
Applaud your courage.
It is his loss. The idiot.
Narcissists do so much damage. Had a MIL like this. (I wrote her full name on a small piece of paper, put it in a freezer bag and stuffed it into the far reaches of our deep freeze. It was supposed to keep her out of our lives and she did. Whether it worked or not, it made me feel good to do it.)
You are a lovely mom and wife. Hug the kids for us.
That is a very touching and sad statement. I'm sorry that this has happened, and I'm glad that you are strong enough to share this with us. Happy Holidays!! RF
Laurel - Unfortunately, yes, this is the same man from my Wedding Ring story who so lovingly cared for his wife of 56 years. I had written the Wedding Ring piece in an attempt to preserve and appreciate his goodness. Even though that goodness is hidden in a dark place currently, I need to believe that it's still in there somewhere.
Please forgive me that I can't comment individually right now. This pain feels so raw today, even though I usually manage it much better. Just know that I truly appreciate each and every one of you as well as the comfort that your comments and wishes have brought me.
XOXO
I can only send healing thoughts for your pain and remind you that he has lost much much more than you.
Wishing you and yours a Happy and Healthy and Joyous New Year.
God Bless,
G
rated
Monte
Sally - Thank you so much for your very kind words. You've nailed what makes this so hard for all of us. He WAS a great guy and we were very close. That's what makes it all that much harder to understand.
Mary - Yes, that's it. As adults, we can tolerate quite a bit, but when our kids are hurting, it's a different story.
dragonfly - You said it perfectly: "I can’t imagine the pain of losing someone who is still alive and should not be lost."
Greg - Thank you. :)
Monte - I appreciate your perspective from the other side (although I can't imagine anyone not wanting to have you in their life.) I do know what it feels like to try and try and try yet continue to be condemned. As Professor mentioned earlier, things will be righted at some point. I just hope it is while we are all still on this Earth.
Delia - Thank you for your kind words. It was a quiet Christmas, given our now-smaller family, but we're working on creating some new traditions. Transitions are never easy but no doubt next year will be easier, and so on.