This one’s for the guys; those underloved, underappreciated guys.
Can we talk? I promise I’ll be quick and won’t ask you to call me in the morning. Besides, this is a subject I know you’re interested in: S. E. X. Surely you remember SEX; the kind that involves a certain woman to whom you’d committed long before the children came along and before those spontaneous amorous moments were banished to her Happy Place during Lamaze class.
I know what you’re going through. Yes I do. You’re desperately in need of some lovin’ from your woman but she keeps turning you down. Night after night, it’s always the same excuses: “I’m too tired,” “I can’t get the baby to sleep,” or “I’d rather watch Letterman.” Talk about rejection! Letterman isn’t even having anyone good on as a guest.
I hear your sad frustration, my friend, but I promise you that your lonely nights are coming to an end. You see, I’m going to let you in on something that only women know about. They’re called The Secrets to Fail-Proof Foreplay. I guarantee that my advice will have her forgetting all about Letterman and her 396th headache and thinking only of how fast she can jump your bones.
Whenever you’re in the mood for love, all you have to do is repeat the following Magic Spells exactly as I have them written here:
- Why don’t you sit on the couch and rest, My Angel, while I fold the white clothes? Nothing screams Sexy more than a man who does laundry. I know you’re thinking that it’s too easy, but trust me; she won’t be able to control herself.
- Honey, I’ve cleaned up the kitchen. For this one to work, you have to make sure that you actually did clean up the kitchen, but this investment in time will yield big dividends in the bedroom.
- You sleep, My Darling. I’ll get up with the baby tonight. Yes, she’s sleep-deprived but you won’t be love-deprived. This will have her falling in lust with you all over again.
- Hey, Beautiful, why don’t you sit down and read while I help Junior with his school project? - Depending upon the project, say, if it’s a medieval commoner’s costume complete with Medieval Beef Tart (preferably gluten-free, dairy-free, and peanut-free) the week before Christmas*, you can conceivably get lucky several times in a row for this one. This Magic Spell is only for the strongest or most desperate among you but the results will exceed your wildest dreams.
- You work so hard, My Love. Why don’t you let me vacuum the living room? Oh, the sight of a man with a vacuum cleaner! The only vision more arousing is a man with a mop and $100 dollar bills pasted all over him. Vacuuming the living room will only take you 15 minutes, but all of that loving will last much longer.
- Look, Dear, I’ve mopped the kitchen floor. These $100 dollar bills are for you! Yeah. It’s that good.
- Junior’s had explosive diarrhea? Here, Sweetheart, let me take care of it. This one requires a strong stomach but is guaranteed to work on even the most Foreplay-Resistant women.
- Hey Sugar Plum, how about we take your mother out to dinner on Sunday? This one is tricky. It only works for women who actually enjoy spending time with their mothers. Make sure you do the research ahead of time. If she groans and rolls her eyes every time her mother calls, it’s probably not the best one to try.
- While you sit and relax, Baby, I’m going to clean the bathroom. This one is a guaranteed winner. In fact, it will earn you bonus sex if you happen to have boys who use the bathroom. We all know the trouble that boys have getting the pee into the toilet bowl instead of on the seat.
- Why don’t you take a nap, Dearest, while I weed the flower garden? Try this one in the summer when the August humidity causes her hair to frizz and those hairy Wolf spiders are out in full-force. Helloooo, Love Machine!
*****BONUS Magic Spell for those women who are excessively Foreplay Resistant*****
- Why don’t you go shopping, My Sweet, while I build that Gazebo you’ve been wanting? Nothing says I love you like building materials and nothing gets a woman ready faster than a home improvement project. This Magic Spell works so well that she’ll even overlook your plans to play golf on her birthday. Yes, it’s THAT powerful.
Now I know that when you discover how well these Magic Spells work, you’re going to want to flood my Tippem account with your monetary gratitude. No need to do that. Your thanks is good enough. Of course, if you happen to father any female children, may I suggest that Lisa is a really nice name?
*Sadly, I have personal experience with this one, but my husband didn’t use the Magic Spell.
Comments
Sandra - Thanks! I forgot all about role-playing, and your choice sounds like a winner.
great post
Larry - No harm intended. My husband cleaned up the kitchen once and I told him that I considered it foreplay. I'm just trying to share the wealth, know what I mean?
Michael - I love your website name. I wonder if that domain name has been taken yet? Maybe you haven't been married yet but soon some lucky woman is going to snap you up and then you'll be happy I posted this. :)
Those icy fingers up and down my spine
That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine.
The same old tingle that I feel inside, and then that elevator starts its ride
And down and down I go, round and round I go....
I'm diggin' it!
Bring in an armload of firewood when you come back from walking the dog
Brush teeth right before bed
rated for chuckles
Monte
Fun post, Lisa. Did you ever hear Bill Cosby’s classic bit on what happened when his wife had some domestic requests for him?
Does anyone here do outcall?
:)
MAWBlogging - Perfect! If I had any tech-y capabilities, I'd try to embed that song here.
Roy - Outdoor labor always works, but I can't help but laugh about brushing teeth.
Monte - Thanks for stopping by!
Teddy - Your garter belt comment cracked me up. :)
David - See? That just proves you're a great guy. Now next time, remember to collect! Thanks for the Bill Cosby clip. Too funny!
Lea - Thank you for the compliment. I hope your son (and his lady) enjoy it.
cartouche - Wow, that might even be better than the gazebo...
FLW - Now that's what I admire; a woman with her priorities in order. I'm guessing that you probably don't fall into that "Foreplay-Resistant" category.
cook me up some bacon and some beans
pour me another cup of coffee
then come and tell me why you're leavin' me
These actually probably would work if the guys did it. Oh and a man that really does laundry it is a turn on..LOL
Mrs. Michaels - Yes, a man unloading the dishwasher...now that's HAWT!
Jess - I hope he appreciates the helpful suggestions. :)
Jimmy - Willie Nelson said it much better than I ever could. Thanks.
Fireeyes - Oh, these definitely work. Nothing's sexier than a helpful man. Nothing!
Katina - Hmmm...Your husband sounds like a tough case. He might need some brownies thrown in.
Mr. Mustard - It never hurts to file the information away for the next woman, you know.
Leeandra - You are a total hoot, girl. Toenails like corn chips? Oh, yeah, THAT gets me ready.
Mary - Smoking? Moi? Actually, it's cold medicine. Or maybe oxygen deprivation from this stuffy nose. And I couldn't sleep. It was a fun night.
And I loved Sandra's comment, too. Add chocolate, candles and red wine to any equation, and things start looking up.
My guy is very helpful around the house---but only for particular things. He does the dishes each night and unloads the dishwasher each morning---and brings me coffee in bed each morning. Okay, so he's a Prince--but my favorite thing is that he pampers the cat, feeds him, gives him fresh water, builds him a fire when it's cold---and this is the cat that will not give the man the time of freaking day. I find it so endearing that the man cares, regardless.
Great post, always love truth delivered with humor. But WATCH OUT! Step away from Google... Porn for Women yeilded me more info than is healthy for anyone.
Sally - Oh yes! I didn't try it but I just KNEW that Googling "Porn for Women" would simply lead me to that book that Wakingupslowly mentioned. :)
JK - I'm laughing about the massage becoming all about them when they reach the area past the shoulders. Too funny!
AustinCynic - I remember those days; trying to fit romance into the length of a Barney video.
Harp - Wow! Thank you so much!
Cindy - Sounds like you've got a great guy, too.
Scruffus & merwoman - Thank you for stopping by!
Jason - I'm sorry that you missed that this is supposed to be humor. If you need real advice, maybe you should check out Dr. Phil. As far as your comments about my writing, all I can say is that I look forward to reading your first piece. Maybe you can show me how it's done.
Silkstone - Yes, that IS great advice. A man who listens is totally sexy.
Yup, that would do it for me! I've never been one to care much about what the house looks like, as long as there's nothing growing, rotting, or congealing. Still, it's really nice when a guy acts like he's actually sharing a home with you by taking some ownership of the necessary chores. Rated!
That says a lot, an aphorism we don't need.
Who gets to be 'lucky' - the guy or the gal?
Hopefully the two of you.
I get the humor, but its kind of sad like so many of those jokes about male roles that stick it to the man and only serve to deepen the wound. I have yet to see a string of jokes that stick it to the female gender about 'roles'.
Oddly enough this issue has been in the local media here in Sydney, Australia. An article about a book by our local sex therapist Bettina Arndt:
http://www.smh.com.au/news/lifeandstyle/relationships/women-should-say-yes-yes-yes-more/2009/02/27/1235237920126.html
I'm not a mysogynist, believe me, I'm not. There's a lot we men and women don't know about each other. I liked what Clint Eastwood said in a recent interview with Angelina Jollie, that his relationship was about friendship, I liked that very much, they're pals.
I know there's a lot of men out there hanging out for a bit of nooky, well guys, get some in, ask your partner if she'd mind having a hooker for dinner where you could all discuss how to make things hot again, ask the experts!
Barrie - I appreciate your comments, but please understand I was in no way trying to "deepen the wounds" from assigning certain roles to men or women. I adore men and this is not meant to be a criticism of them. If you'll notice, I also wrote about women being reluctant to participate in sex. I'm poking fun at both genders.
This was supposed to be a humor piece. It's not meant to be overanalyzed nor studied too deeply. It's not intended to replace professional help within a relationship. My point is all about making it easier for women to get in the mood. If men enjoy seeing women wearing pretty underwear, then why can't women enjoy seeing their men being helpful? Intimacy is always more enjoyable when it's approached as an equal partnership, however, what works for him may not be the same as what works for her.
Thank you all for stopping by. I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
vuntervul, darlink.
My ex didn't care if she had a full time live in nanny and a cleaning lady. She didn't care that I got up at night with her to help with the twins. Her reality was that she was getting the short end of the stick.
This didn't manifest itself through the denial of sex, because she wanted that too! I will spare the rest of the details.
This isn't about being angry at the stereotype you cast. Nor do I have any difficulty observing the attempt at humor. What I do have an issue with is, people that are unable to see that the issues you have written about have a more serious side.
Cooking, cleaning, laundry and listening may cure "over the counter" marital issues. Other marital issues require prescriptions.
And you're right, Lisa, home improvements warrant not just sex, but extensive oral sex or whatever kinky fetish role play he desires. To bad it's taken 15 years for him not to figure this out.
Look who is getting lucky soon.
"let's hire somebody to clean the house."
Second, how is this sorry excuse for a man going to make love to you after you cut his BALLS OFF?
Oh, sorry Lisa, Cap'n was out of line. Cap'n should be spanked...
As a disinterested-but-by-no-means-uninterested bystander in the war between the hetero sexes, I can't help but read these sorts of prescriptions as "When you're in the mood for love, all you have to do is..." pay. Worse, the required currency is so various as to represent a puzzle to be solved afresh for each transaction, and it's always the guy who pays.
Your excellent hyperbole and my giggles aside, the assumptions here seem to be that male desire is so ubiquitous and nonspecific as to be intrinsically worthless to women. The implication is that women's desire consists primarily of OCD environmental issues to which men must pander or go elsewhere.
Did it start out like this? Do the males court the females not by displaying their magnificent plumage but showing off a freshly scrubbed toilet? If I told friends I'm mad for my partner because of his terrific gazebo, no one would assume I was talking about the back yard.
Something in me dies at the thought of living with someone who wants a clean floor more than me.
I fear for y'all. You sound doomed. Say it ain't so.
You want to give me foreplay? Give me safety, security, stability and comfort. Then we'll talk about foreplay.
Screamin' Mama - Massages seem to be a popular for foreplay here today. :)
Rosie - Well oiled? Sweet!
deepcleav.31 - Please tell him it's humor; a lot of guys are missing that key element today and I don't want to be responsible for causing any marital problems!
j lynne - I'm thinking that if you had to kick him out, these tips probably wouldn't have helped. Thanks for stopping by just the same.
Scarabus - Wow! If you are married, your wife must be one lucky woman. Mutual respect goes a long way in making a relationship a happy one.
sg2292 - While this was ONLY meant as a humorous piece, I do understand that lack of respect and taking advantage of another person goes both ways. There are plenty of women out there who have great guys and yet do not treat them well. Please understand that this really is meant to be comedy. Nothing more. I would never attempt to minimize serious relationship issues, and I apologize if you felt that's what I was doing here.
Ramesh - I think that there must be some cultural differences between you and I. In the US, men and women are equal. I would hope that men and women both would realize that this piece is meant to be humorous and nothing more.
Mr. E - :)
Mary - THANK YOU! You get it. Women do all of this stuff every day, without expecting anything. If a man were to offer to do any one of these things as a gesture of kindness, I doubt that there's a woman alive who wouldn't be especially appreciative of his help.
Daniel - Now that's just wrong. If you're good enough to pitch in and help, she should be gracious enough to appreciate your efforts without being critical.
888Jubilee - Yes! It works!
furgarden - Hiring a housecleaner would solve most of the housework, but what about dog barf and baby poo and home improvements?
Spud - Hey, putting the apple down and not discussing paint colors is a big step, don't you think? Surely my advice was worth something. Try the gazebo one next time, OK?
Bryan - Of COURSE I'm kidding! This is supposed to be comedy. I know that love and sex is based on more than just housekeeping and home improvements. I'll tell you something, though...if you were to offer one of these to a woman whose just been up three nights in a row with a sick kid, she's going to think you walk on water. Never underestimate the power of kindness.
Nora - You mean actually washing the dishes? Without a dishwasher? I feel all tingly!
Kris - No bribing intended. All of these are things that most women do all the time anyway. All I'm saying is that if a man were to offer to take some of this burden away from her, she'd probably be very grateful. Some women, like me, might even feel amorous.
Brian - I'm sorry. I wish I could talk to these women who have guys who are helpful yet fail to appreciate them.
gene786 - Wow, 48 years? Congratulations! I think that sales of Roombas and Scoobas are about to increase dramatically. :)
Sally - Oh my! I just got back from your post. Wish I'd seen it before I posted this one. Where's Liz? I'm wondering now about the "generational" argument. Maybe I'm just old and looking at this from a different perspective than everyone else. Thanks for showing up just when I needed you. XOXO
Actually I'm working on something right now....(mwahahahaha) Husband just cleaned up after the kids went to bed. If I go give him a blow job now on the couch, he'll learn to associate blow jobs with cleaning up...10 minutes of my time for a clean house? Thank you very much, sir.
I guess I'm sort of joking, but sort of not. It's about meeting needs. Sex is a need. I have needs too, my needs are just different. When you meet my needs, I am more inclined to meet yours. What's wrong with that?
Here's what I learned: as long as we keep stressing mutual respect along with humor, let the naysayers say nay ... they have a right to their opinions but are far outweighed by those who understand we are poking just as much fun at ourselves.
Sally - Thanks again, girl.
Holly - thank you for sharing your perfect examples of "give and take" within your own marriage. How can anyone find anything wrong with that? It's mutually respectful and win-win for both parties.
Dantalion - I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying that to EVER help your wife makes you feel like a castrated servant? Again, it's all about mutual respect. Each person should take care to make sure that the other person is treated respectfully. It's no less wrong for a woman to take 100% of the time than it is for a man.
Sometimes what one writes doesn't match what one intends - but it still can do damage.
I swear this is true.. it's seems to have become a complex level of clearing a nest for us in the modern world.. any of these things.. building for us, cooking, cleaning..
of course I think these work mostly for the assertive woman, and not the passive woman (who needs to be dominated), .. but its definitely right for me.
Brilliant.
http://www.sarasotawedding.com/jokes/
Actually almost any activity more other-oriented than sitting on the couch watching TV lights my fuse.
Harry - I regret that you feel hurt.
Nada - It's great to see you here, girl. I'm glad that you enjoyed this piece.
Gordon - Dinner (prepared by you) and margaritas? That is definitely foreplay in my book!
Faith - :)
Victoria - You might be right. Perhaps helping to build the nest triggers something loving in women. Thank you for stopping by.
bstrangely - Thank you! That wedding site sure has some good laughs on it.
vonnia - Yes! And to think that some men feel we're difficult. :)
GeeBee - Thank you for helping to prove my point. Nothing is sexier than a helpful man. I appreciate your comments.
Does this work on the premise that women trade sex for chores, and feel obligated to put-out if a guy does their work for them? Seems like a pretty old school train of thought...
I guess you might be right, though... I remember seeing a video from the View that said women use sex as a tool along those lines, but I can't seem to find a link to it now.