It seemed like the perfect addition to my weight loss efforts. A little exercise would make the inches melt away faster so that my Skinny Jeans and I can once again enjoy a civil relationship.
You'll probably make certain judgments about me when I tell you that I'm not a fan of exercise. Yes, I know, it's good for me; it'll keep my heart strong; I'll look better in my clothes, yadda yadda yadda. When it comes to exercise, though, I'm still that awkward fourth grader who couldn't make it up the rope climb in gym class.
As if it wasn’t humiliating enough to flunk Rope Climbing 101, I remember the gym teacher making the whole class stay until I reached the top. Everyone missed their bus and yet I still couldn't reach the top. Eventually, I was able to persuade the gym nazi, I mean teacher, to let me down from the rope. I learned that when the situation looks hopeless, threatening to throw up always brings the desired results.
It’s these and more not-so-fond memories about gym class which color my ability to enjoy exercise now. Maybe after some heavy-duty therapy I'll get over it, but then I think, why bother when I can just sit here and read a book instead? Surely all of that page-turning must burn some calories.
About two years ago, I purchased the Turbo Jam exercise DVDs. You've no doubt seen them advertised on late night infomercials. They promise Pound and Inch Loss! Workout Fun! and Slammin’ Good Music!
It was no doubt in a moment of fatness and desperation that I actually believed this was a good idea. Probably it was after one of my chocolate benders where I find myself promising God I'll never eat chocolate again if He'll just-this-once keep my thighs from rubbing together when I walk.
I had not opened the Turbo Jam DVD before today. In spite of my delusional belief that I, too, could look just like the perky nymphs on the infomercial, the DVD remained unopened and unused.
This morning, after feeling particularly guilty about a diet-blowing lunch yesterday, I decided to give Turbo Jam a try. I woke up early and dressed in my work out clothes so there would be no excuses (yeah, like I'm the sort of person who'd make excuses.)
The Turbo Jam DVD includes three workouts: "Learn & Burn," "20-minute Workout," and "Turbo Sculpt." Simple enough. I pop the DVD into the player. I'm greeted by the tiny, perky, and energetic Turbo Jam leader, Chalene Johnson, who's going to help me shed pounds and inches. Yeah, she looks like she's always had a weight problem. I try to not roll my eyes disrespectfully but I can't help it.
"Learn & Burn" is supposed to be a Turbo Jam introduction and sounds like my speed. Chalene promises to teach me each move. The first is called "Turbo Tuck." Of course it is, Chalene. Although back in the unhip dark ages, we used to call it a pelvic-tilt. So far so good. I can pelvic-tilt, I mean "Turbo Tuck," with the best of them.
Next is the "Pump" and it's not nearly as sexy as it sounds. When I attempt to do this move, I'm quite certain that I look like exactly like an epileptic flamingo.
Before I can even perfect my epileptic fit, Chalene moves on to the next move. She’s evil like that. This one is called the "Twist," but it’s not simply turning at the waist. Oh no no no. That would be too easy. Chalene wants me to Turbo Tuck, throw a right cross, throw a left jab, pull back to my body, draw up my left knee and step out on my left foot. All at the same time. Excuse me, Chalene, but is that even possible?
Now she wants me to twist my shoulders and hips but avoid twisting my right knee while keeping my right heel up. HUH?! Do you even HEAR what you're asking me to do, Chalene? At one point, she says, "I know that you've already got this move down." That's when I know that I can no longer trust her.
I shrug off the "Twist" as impossible while Chalene launches into the next move called the "W." Sorry Chalene; reminds me too much of whatshisname. I fast forward through this intending to invent my own move called the “Hyphen on the Couch” when the time comes.
Now we move onto something interesting called the "Capoeira Step." Evidently the word “Capoeira” is Brazilian for “you do not have a prayer in hell of mastering this move, fat girl.”
Chalene says we can pretend to throw down an imaginary opponent. Even though right about now I'm thinking that I'd like to throw her, I try to play along.
I'm up for releasing some early morning aggression as much as the next girl, but she quickly loses me when the move evolves into a multi-step, majorly choreographed maneuver. I'm trying to follow her, really I am, but it feels as if my arms and legs have different plans. She tells me to not put too much thought into it but I don't believe her.
Now that she's spent a whopping 5 minutes teaching those dance moves, she announces that it's time to put it all together and SWEAT. I can hardly wait.
It starts out easy enough. Just a simple "Bob and Weave" which is really stepping to each side and then back again, but of course that doesn’t sound nearly as much fun as “Bob and Weave.”
It's now that I’m forced to confront my limitations: I'm unable to move more than one body part at a time without hurting someone, usually myself.
In the middle of an especially uncoordinated effort, my dog Shelby jumps up on me to see what all of the excitement is about. I have my legs going and my arms going and now there's a dog on me, jumping and barking wildly. In an attempt to shoo the dog while still keeping up with Chalene, I somehow manage to punch myself squarely in the jaw. Yes, I really am that clumsy.
I’m pretty sure that if I look hard enough I’ll find a warning label on the package which says, “Not for use by klutzy girls. That means YOU, Lisa.”
After this experience, I know that this exercise program is called “Learn & Burn” for a reason, because when you fail to Learn it, you will most definitely want to Burn it.
You have no idea how satisfying it was to stuff Chalene and her maniacal workout back in the box.
*photo by Lisa Kern
Comments
Could you pass me that blowtorch....I have a copy of Hip Hop Abs that I'd like to....ahem....illuminate. ;-D Rated!
There is a Jimmy Buffett song that still gives me Jane Fonda Workout "cool down" flash backs. Eek!
I always hated the way (back in the day) that P.E. teachers would humiliate certain members of the gym class. I was always an empathetic kid and I literally had some P.E. teacher like "Mr. Woodcock" from the film portrayed by Billy Bob Thornton.
I used to tell them to lighten the fuck up under my breath. Things have changed for the better these days. I will say although Physical Education isn't stressed enough in schools (the educational part, not the humiliation part) that today's P.E. Instructors keep in mind the limitations of some kids. I'm glad to see that. Encouragement builds self-esteem, discouragement kills self-esteem.
(rated)
I lost 30 pounds when I went to Europe, walking everywhere and loving it. It was painless. Of course, I keep thinking, 'if I could only go back to Europe, I could lose some weight.' Guaranteed to keep me on the couch.
Leeandra - In my opinion, laughing is the BEST workout. It's hard to injure yourself from a good chuckle.
onecorgilover - Ah, yes...Hip Hops abs. The workout for people who don't really NEED to work out. I'll be right over with my blowtorch.
Sarah - The one good thing about Turbo Jam is that I don't know any of the "slammin' good music" that's in it, so no danger of traumatic associations down the road. Putting a Jimmy Buffett song in a workout video is just so wrong.
Greg - I don't think that gym classes are like that anymore, at least not at my kids' school. But much like Math used to be torture and now teachers have figured out how to make it fun, I suppose I simply grew up in the wrong time.
Pamela - It's doubtful that I'll be letting Chalene out of that box any time soon.
fireeyes - Thank you! It's always nice to share a laugh with friends.
Ardee - That's what I need; a European vacation! Forget Chalene. I'll see you on the couch as I dream about wandering the streets of Rome.
And you had me laughing at the image of Shelby trying to help. Puppy Monster's eighty pounds, so I have the perfect excuse for never succumbing to one of those videos: she would try to help and we would wind up hurting ourselves, and I would have to decide whether to take her to the vet or me to the doctor first and it'd just wind up being way too expensive.
Lisa :) You. Are. The. Best. Ever!!! and have I told you lately that I L.O.V.E YOU!!!
If you want a workout with a person you can respect, slightly, and not want to kill because she is perky, I'm going to suggest the Firm workout videos. Plus, these videos actually give results after about two weeks. Now, you'll feel like you're dying at first, but they're good. I'd order the "classic" videos (from the 80s and early 90s). Just overlook the crotch revealing outfits and continue with the videos. Also, you'll need a couple of light weights and a step. They have a step that they sell you but it's three thousand feet high. I'm not kidding. You might not want to do that.
Good, painful, evil stuff.
1IM - Do you have any idea how much I adore you? :)
Professor - I think that the Gym Nazi and the Soup Nazi were brothers.
Odette - Thanks for the recommendation. After my face and wounded ego heal, I'll give it a try. :)
Ardee - Wouldn't that be wonderful? An OS cruise to Italy! Keep musing. I like the way you think.
Mrs. Michaels - Mmmm...gelato! That's a good enough reason for me.
Cat - She's evil, I tell ya.
Bill - Thank you!
Jess - I need to look for a video clip of Yoga Booty Ballet. I cannot even imagine what that must look like!
We had our very own gym Nazi but I wasn't one of his favorite targets. I do remember him forcing one kid to run laps while having an asthma attack because he was "just faking" though. I don't wish eternal hell on everybody, but maybe when he dies he can just be in hell for two hours every day between lunch and study hall.
Sadly the evil gym teacher is very much alive and well in Memphis - our newspaper showed a teacher "creatively" punishing a girl (since Memphis City Schools have banned corporal punishment) by having her stand in the center of the court while the other children stood in a circle around her and pointed and made fun of her until she cried. And the paper was holding this up as an example of excellent teaching to be emulated.
As far as workouts are concerned, I figure I'd rather dance myself than dance some way a strange lady is telling me to.
I personally believe that a human being is given so many heart beats to live with; so why use them all up doing mundane and superfluous exercises? I'm with you, kiddo. The sofa and a good book beat the smell of sweat anyday.
T & D - Laughing at breaking a leg or breaking a lamp. Have you been working out with Chalene, too?
Allie - Are you serious about the teacher being praised for humiliating a child that way? That's outrageous! I'd love to see a clip to that article if you have it.
LandP - I like your neighbor's idea of closing the blinds and dancing for twenty minutes. Plus it's FREE!
Lea - I hear you. I always enter housecleaning in my exercise log. It's work, right?
Alpha Whiskey - I've never ordered anything by Jillian Michaels. I like watching the Biggest Loser but she gets way too much happiness from people's pain. You can borrow the blowtorch after onecorgilover gets done with it.
Bob - I like the way you think!
How brave you are to be trying a work-out video at home. (Actually, I think bravery burns calories, right?)
(I must admit though, there is a less of me than there used to be between my waist and my knees since taking up this form of exercise. Belly dancing IS good for the hips, no doubt about it.) Me, I exercise in a very unsexy pair of sweat pants and a loose tee-shirt. And as for excuses, well, obviously, with this cough I'm still FAR too fragile to subject myself to vigorous exercise. Kaff, kaff!
Very funny post, Thumbed.
http://www.commercialappeal.com/news/2008/jan/27/lets-keep-the-school-paddle-in-retirement/
This one concerns Coach Ted Anderson, who was in the habit of giving boys "licks" for missing free throws and is quoted as saying, "This is the South, man, and young black boys don't respect nothing but strength. ... 'Sit down before I whip your (butt).' They respect that. ... Quick, fast and in a hurry, 'Bend over here, boy, you've got three licks.' Then it's 'Thank you, Coach. I was wrong. It won't happen again,' and that's it."
The saddest thing is that Anderson is black himself... that's Memphis for you.
I found another delightful article about a mother who punished her daughter by making her stand in the front yard with a sign saying "Tashara is a liar. Steals from her mother. Is boy crazy. Has a bad attitude." That mother was praised for her "creativity" too.
Dustbowldiva - Oh gosh - Marching band! I used to be a colorguard. If it weren't for so many hours practicing, I probably would have wrapped that flag around my own neck.
Shiral - Now you've gotten me intrigued about bellydancing. That doesn't sound too dangerous and it would definitely work my "problem area." Maybe I'll try that next.
Allie - Thanks for looking. I've heard of that mother who made her daughter stand out on the front yard with a sign. Can you imagine the humiliation? Unbelievable. I'll check out the other video even though it will probably make me angry.
Umbrella - I think there are those of us who can do eight different things at one time and those of us who can't. Those of us who can't should probably steer clear of workout videos. :)
I escaped the rope thing somehow---but I failed P.E. a few times (yes, I got an F in P.E.--used to ditch class and go get coffee and smoke cigarettes at the local coffee shop.)
I've started going to yoga class again--it's very hot in the studio and I was quite surprised, because I'd completely forgotten: it makes you sweat---ugh!
Incidentally, turning pages rapidly, say, once every ten minutes, provided it is a GOOD novel, burns the equivalent of walking at a fast pace for 11.34 miles. So, turn enough pages and your thighs will never meet, let along become acquainted.
Monte
Monte - I'm on a mission to turn the things that I angst over into things that I can laugh about. In this case, it wasn't even a stretch because doing this workout was so totally ridiculous, at least for me anyway. Thank you for stopping by, my friend!
M. Chariot - Bach is definitely some "slammin' music!"
But here's the funny thing. Among my various freelancing gigs, I've done quite a bit of writing for Beachbody and they're actually really good people. I sent this post to my contact there and asked if they would send you a copy of Slim in Six, which is much less pretzel-y.
They said sure, but they wanted me to be public about it, which is why I'm posting this and not just sending you a private note. If you want a copy, drop me your address in private messaging.
Your story is hilarious! It reminds me of when I first started doing Turbo Jam. I am 5'9 and was weighing a whopping 260 lbs. YIKES! I did it and really tried.....but was frustrated I couldn't keep up....so,
yes, I gave up. But I really did like the music. I continued on my "no exercise because I'm too fat and can't keep up" attitude for about 2 or 3 years. I hated the way I looked but just didn't have the incentive to do anything. I LOVE food and hated exercise....what's a girl to do??? Well, my husband and I moved out of the States to another country where people who are not the size of a stick are considered fat. Now, I knew I was fat, but everyday I went out, people would tell me to my face. It only made me more upset and so I just ate and ate to comfort myself.....but was only hurting myself. Well, one day my loving parents gave me a great incentive....money for plane tickets. We make enough money to pay what we need to pay and have a little extra.....but not enough to fly home and see family. So, yes, seeing family was a huge incentive. Seeing as I haven't seen them in about 3 years now. So, the deal was I had to get down to 190 lbs in order to receive these plane tickets. I started about 7 months ago. I thought I need to exercise so what could I do. I remembered that great music on Turbo Jam and thought I'd give it another go. I was determined!!!! I keep thinking "family, family, family". I put in that turbo jam dvd and did it everyday until I found that before I knew it......I could do the same moves! Now, 7 months later, I'm down to weighing 209 lbs. It really does work!!!!! I love Chalene and yes, I had my sarcastic comments at first, but now I love her and the rest of the Turbo Crew! I have 7 workouts and I do them everyday!!!!!!! I enjoy the music and sing along. Several of my friends have seen the great results and ask what I'm doing. I just say Turbo Jam and now some of them have asked to join me in my exercise.
Lisa, I know it's hard, but you gotta be determined. Don't give up....push yourself and keep trying. Of course your not going to get anything on the first try. If it's not hard then it won't work. Give your body something to work with. Don't give up! Find yourself a good incentive, something that will actually make you want to lose the weight. It's not impossible....I thought it was, but was sorely wrong. Maybe Turbo Jam isn't for you....but something is. Find what you enjoy and do it over and over again. Try it several times before you give up. I hope all the best for you dear Lisa!
Whatever you do just make sure you have fun with it! If you find something that works for you, please post it. I like new ideas!
All the best to you!