Last Friday, my husband Dan and I found ourselves without two-thirds of our children. Our oldest two were away on an overnight school trip. When you’ve been married a thousand years like we have, and you find yourself with a rare night without most of your children, you start to think about doing things...
One of the things we thought about doing was going out to eat. It would be much cheaper with only the two of us plus our 9-year-old son, Evan, who can still order from the kids’ menu. It had been a frustrating day at work, and I’d gotten home late, so eating out seemed like a great idea.
We decided to go to Outback. The three of us were feeling almost festive as we chatted about our day and took turns buttering those brown loaves of bread with the obscenely large knives that they give you. I always have to resist the urge to tell the waitress that I only want to butter my bread, not stab it into oblivion.
I’d ordered the Wedge Salad which came with two small steak fillets. It tasted especially good since I’d not eaten any lunch that day. As I was eating, I felt a trickle in my left nostril. Thinking that my nose was running, I asked Dan to hand me my purse so I could get a tissue out of it. Evan looked at me oddly and said, “Your nose isn’t running, Mom. It’s bleeding!”
A bloody nose in Outback? I touched my fingers to my nose and sure enough: they were covered in bright red blood. I could feel the panic start to rise within me. Oh God...my nose is bleeding in Outback. People are trying to eat. I’m trying to eat. My stomach felt queasy from this realization, but I tried to discreetly pinch the bridge of my nose to stop the bleeding while keeping the tissue below my nostrils to catch any drips. Was it working? Could anyone see me?
The bleeding seemed to be stopping, but I did not feel well. My arms and legs began to feel heavy and odd. I felt a sensation of heat rising from my chest to the top of my head. As the heat rose, my field of vision grew smaller, losing peripheral vision first, and then the remaining vision became pixilated. The panic was now rising within me. I knew I was losing control. There was a loud rumbling sound in my ears, as if a train was behind me.
“I think I’m going to pass out!” I fought this idea a bit before announcing it. Everyone in my family suffers from vasovagal syncope when exposed to certain triggers like blood or medical procedures, so I’m used to them passing out, but I’d always considered myself immune. I’d had three kids for godssake. What on earth could possible skeeve me?
Disbelief aside, I was going to pass out, whether I wanted to or not, and Dan knew it, too. He directed Evan, who’d been sitting next to me, to crawl under the table to the opposite side of the booth in case I needed to lie down. I certainly couldn’t move to let him out let alone lie down. Dan got up from his side of the table and tried to sit next to me, but I wasn’t able to scootch over and make room for him. I was stuck in my feverish, pixilated world with the train roaring behind me until it all went black.
I had to learn what happened next much later because I had lost consciousness completely. Here’s the story that Dan told me:
When it became inevitable that I was going to pass out, Dan tried to hold my head up so that I wouldn’t hit it on the table. Apparently a human head is quite heavy when it’s not being supported by a conscious body.
As he was busy doing this, my son Evan, distraught at the scary scene of watching his mom pass out, proceeded to throw up all over the table.
At that moment, a waitress came over and casually asked if Dan wanted any more iced tea.
Iced tea? “No thank you; I’ve got bigger problems here. My wife’s passed out and my son has just thrown up.” The waitress ran off to get a manager.
A man at the table behind us heard the commotion and approached our table to ask if he could pray for me (we live in a bit of a Bible belt area so this isn’t terribly unusual.) Dan said sure; it certainly couldn’t hurt. He did not expect that the man would stand at our table, arms outstretched toward the Heavens, while praying loudly as if from a church pulpit. If there were any patrons in Outback that night who weren’t aware that we were having problems, the very vocal praying of this man managed to bring them up to speed. Now the entire restaurant became focused on our pitiful little party.
After a minute or two, I started to come back around. Nothing was the same as it had been before I passed out: what had been a raging fever broke into a cold sweat; my face, hair and hands were now dripping wet; all of the dishes and food had been magically cleared from our table; I was surrounded by several wait staff and managers; someone had put a cold wash cloth on my head; and most disturbingly, there was a huge pile of vomit in front of my son Evan. Surveying this sight was enough to make me want to go back to being unconscious.
My brain started working again, and I was most worried that my son had thrown up on the table. Like a dutiful mom, I wanted to clean it up right away. I asked for some paper towels but the manager kept insisting that they’d take care of it. Someone claiming to be an EMT grabbed my arm and took my pulse but all I could think about was the barf.
I asked again, “Please let me clean that up.” Again, I was denied.
There was talk of ambulances and hospitals, but that was the last thing I wanted to do. I was tired and just wanted to go home. Dan attempted to pay the bill but the manager said that it was on them. (Translation: Just take your disgusting, bleeding, barfing, passing-out family and LEAVE, wouldja? You’re grossing people out while they’re trying to eat!) Actually, she was very nice, but that’s what I would’ve been thinking if I were her.
I wobbled out of there on my weak legs amid the curious stares of the other customers, but managed to make it across the parking lot to the car while holding on to Dan’s arm. I remember thinking that it was quite romantic, being escorted to the car. I felt fragile and dainty and it was OK.
After we left, we realized that in all of the commotion, we forgot to leave a tip for the waitress. She deserved an especially nice one after all that she had to deal with (barf alone requires extreme generosity. Barf plus blood plus someone passing out? That’s probably worth a trip to Bermuda!
We plan on going back to Outback to give the waitress her tip just as soon as our extreme levels of mortification subside. We figure this shouldn’t take longer than a year or two.
On second thought, maybe we’ll just mail her the tip.
Comments
Or go back again, and ask for the same waitress, explaining "we had such a wonderful dining experience the last time we were here."
I hope these comments made you laugh because I'm sure this didn't feel good last night. rated.
P.S. when I read your title I thought you were blogging about my Haiku today. Rated.
That was excellent, and it was great to start my day with a laugh.
And yeah, I suppose if that had been me, I'd avoid Outback for awhile too :D.
I wish I was there right now to throw my hands up and scream out a prayer for you too :)
Sheepy - We didn't have to pay the check. I'm not sure if they were being nice or just wanted our freak show outta there.
Jeanette - Yeah, we sure know how to have a great time, don't we?
Aunt Shelle - I did go to the doctor. I need a few more tests but the verdict so far is stress/anxiety for which I was given some meds to help me not give a shit as much. :)
Ann - I felt sorry for my poor husband, but even I was laughing after he told me what happened while I was out. What a scene it must have been!
Janie - Laugh away! Now that it's behind me, I think it was hysterical too. The praying must have seemed surreal.
cartouche - Really? I could be denied a visa to Australia for passing out? Or because I made fun of those obscenely large knives?
(Are you okay?????)
Lea - What can I say? It's a gift! (kidding...) We were VERY disappointed about missing out on the "other things." What timing, huh?
I feel your pain.
(rated)
I hope you're okay. :) And maybe it was Outback. Just don't go back there. hee hee
Hope you are feeling okay now.
H0w could the waitress even ask if your husband wanted more ice tea?
So if we barf, pass out, and get a bad nosebleed, we can get a free meal at Outback? That may be useful to know in these economic times.
"Dan attempted to pay the bill but the manager said that it was on them. (Translation: Just take your disgusting, bleeding, barfing, passing-out family and LEAVE, wouldja? You’re grossing people out while they’re trying to eat!)" FUNNY! snickersnicker....
(Sorry to get all health-conscious on you; just the thought of Outback fills me with the overwhelming need to get a double-bypass done immediately.)
But I keep cracking up when I read about the guy praying over you.
Rated.
Don't know if you know who Johnny Lattner is, but he was a big star QB at my high school long before my time and then at Notre Dame and briefly for the Bears. For ages afterwards and even today, he remains a popular man. Once when I was a young athlete on a lunch date I had a heart-pounding, head-swimming, blood-pressure dropping, episode, which turned out to be an allergy or sensitivity to MSG while eating in HIS restaurant. He came over to the table immediately trying to help. Talk about embarrassed!
Since he knew who I was, it was even worse. Nothing like a local celebrity athlete eating in the restaurant of a National Celebrity Athlete and then displaying his manly heroic strength by going all wobbly and the center of attention not for my celebrity, but for my illness of the moment.
In short, I know exactly how you felt.
I faint when anything that is intended to be inside a body is detected as being outside of it. I'm woozy just typing that. The worst was I hit the floor hard in my intro to psychology class when the teacher pulled an actual human brain out of a jar. (I would probably be a practicing psychologist right now, except that dissecting a cow's eyeball was a prerequisite for the degree. Can you imagine?) I've also never been able to watch medical shows for this reason. But until now I've never heard of anyone else with a similar affliction. It sounds like I'd fit into your family nicely!
I hope you get another night out soon.
Gwool - Thank you!
Mrs. Michaels - I just had an image of all of this chaos going out in front in Squirrel's restaurant while he's angsting in the back and swallowing an unholy amount of gin.
Kind of Blue - Black tie event? Oh, yeah. That's embarrassing!
Delia - I agree. I have no idea what that was about. Maybe he felt he had greater influence if he prayed in full-on preacher-mode.
jen - Yeah, stress and anxiety...imagine! Thanks for stopping by. :)
Odette - OK, that it just too weird. YOU had a guy pray over you, too? Maybe he tours the country. Your experience sounds just as chaotic as mine. I'm glad we can both laugh about it now.
Buffy - I'm doing much better now, thanks, although every tickle in or on my nose sends me running into the bathroom!
Jess - The iced tea thing was as funny as the public prayer. I guess the wait staff just ask these things automatically. Probably "Do you need a stretcher?" wasn't something she was taught in waitressing school.
Denise - Yes, just a little bit of barfing, bleeding, and passing out and you too can have a free meal. :)
Hey - did you ever check out WHY you passed out? Do you think it's that syncope thing you mentioned above (interesting sidenote by the way - thanks for the link)? Or maybe this might be worth a medical checkup? Just a thought because I'm worried about you.
Thoroughly hilarious post.
On another upside, I think that Outback should contact you for their next marketing campaign... I've never wanted to eat there before, but knowing that this kind of thing might happen while I'm there, I can't wait to go!!
Hopefully, you be able to manage your condition and limit future episodes.
Admittedly, I just read this as my students were watching a video on the Israel/Palestinian conflict. I laughed out loud and got a strange look...thanks a lot.
I passed out once after a minor, out-patient sugery. I was waiting in front of the desk to schedule my next appointment, while the secretary was on the phone. Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the floor with a doctor, the secretary, and some very confused looking patients standing around me. The worst part was I had to sit there until my blood pressure went down and I could drive home.
I feel your pain.
My Australian born wife asked to dine at an Outback shortly after she moved here and afterwards informed me that the only thing Australian about the place is Foster's Lager. I don't think you've threatened your chances for getting a visa.
scary, funny. very well written.
Rated...
I'll never eat at Outback again without thinking about this story.
--rated-- (as a father of 4 sons, oh the restaurant stories are flooding my memory)
Hilarious story and I feel your pain in a roundabout way ... when I vomit *I* pass out from vasovagal syncope. So I'm a great date --and role model mom-- too. :)
When I fell off my bike a few weeks ago, the woman prayed over me until the EMTs got there. It's weirdly comforting, even if it's kind of strange to be lying curled up, hoping you haven't broken your neck, seeing all the cars slowing down to look at you, and her, standing there, praying.
I knew you were telling the truth. Great story. Glad you're feeling better. And I'm SURE you could go back in that Outback and they wouldn't recognize you.
When I fell off my bike a few weeks ago, the woman prayed over me until the EMTs got there. It's weirdly comforting, even if it's kind of strange to be lying curled up, hoping you haven't broken your neck, seeing all the cars slowing down to look at you, and her, standing there, praying.
I knew you were telling the truth. Great story. Glad you're feeling better. And I'm SURE you could go back in that Outback and they wouldn't recognize you.
Thumbed. I guess you didn't get dessert either, then.
What a scene... my husband's family are passer-outers too.
Rated for the fact that your husband apparently stayed calm through all this?
Still, I found myself chuckling at the would-be televangelist summoning the powers that be. Thanks for sharing that. Rated.
"Please, oh lord, let this laughter stop. Halleluia! AMEN! "
(I'm praying for your need to clean up puke..."be gone, oh kind, motherly thoughts of the need to clean....be gone!")
j lynne - It's OK. You can laugh. We've been laughing about it, too!
dorelvis - Believe me, I was majorly disappointed about missing out on those other things. :)
Gus - Bwahaha! Don't I get extra credit for having a salad?
Leeandra - It's OK. I keep cracking up thinking about the guy praying over me, too.
Bella - Oh my! Maybe he was practicing for a larger audience than Outback.
Cap'n - No, you cannot make up this kind of bizarre stuff.
Pete - What a story! I bow to you, the one who knows greater humiliation than my own. Thanks for understanding, though. :)
Marple - Oh, you'd fit very nicely in this family. I've got dozens of passing-out stories, from Lamaze class to third grade science class. It's like a family activity! By the way, I have to wonder what possible good dissecting a cow eyeball would do for a psychologist. Don't psychologists work with an entirely different part of the anatomy?
Z - Oops! Sorry! I guess I should have posted a warning. :)
Ravingbits - What a quirky spokesperson I'd make. They'd be up to their eyes in riff-raff.
Spin Doctor - Your comment made me giggle. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
BBE - There wasn't even any bacon on the menu. Can you believe it?
Nosebleed, goodness. For some reason I have never seen a woman with a nosebleed, though the men in my family all get them.
So, um, did anyone have an appetite to finally eat later...?
I hope all is well with you now, but, if not, comfort yourself with the knowledge that your illness is great story writing fodder. Hilarious---especially the praying guy.
Stellaa - Could that Greek saying have been any more appropriate in this instance? Thanks for understanding how compelled I was to clean up the barf. :)
Blue Roses - Thank you!
Faith - Nosebleeds are a specialty? I'll bet you have some interesting stories.
Gratefuldan - Whew! That's good news! Traveling to Australia is on my Bucket List and I'd hate to miss it. :)
saucequeen - I appreciate your kind comment.
JK - Oh yes; a good time was had by all (well maybe not all. The person who had barf duty probably wasn't thinking too kindly of us.)
Deborah - XOXO
incandescent - A fellow restaurant passer-outer! I love the story about your local pub. Thanks for the chuckle and for sharing my pain.
Sandra - Thanks for the compliment. :) I'm heading over to Sheldon's blog soon to read about Walt.
Mr. Mustard - The kids do have a way of making things interesting, don't they?
icemilkcoffee - I don't think he'd have succeeded. I'm pretty sure I'm too far gone. :)
Phaedo - I keep expecting to read a comment from someone saying that they were there that day, or that they were the waitress. "Non-praying section" is too funny!
Sally - So you barf first and then pass out? You must be a lot of fun during stomach flu season. :)
Lorraine - I've been poking fun at the man praying over me, but it's nice that he deemed me worthy of prayer. I hope you're healing up from your bike accident. I had a bad one when I was twelve and didn't get on a bike again until I was 30.
Jessbabbling - I'm guessing the kind of tea that's only available by prescription (or drug deal.) Nothing else would be strong enough.
Bill S - Impacted wisdom teeth, huh? That makes me woozy just thinking about it.
Rolling - You're right. Everyone was so kind and gracious to me. I guess I worried about the barf so much because that's my most unfavorite thing in the world. If someone feels ill here, I make them carry a bucket (I know, mean mom award.) Seeing or hearing someone throw up makes ME want to throw up. (Thank God I didn't do that in Outback.) I felt bad that someone else, who might be as barf-squeamish as me, had to clean up such a mess. I did reassure Evan that it wasn't his fault that he threw up, just as it wasn't my fault I passed out. Stuff happens (and then we blog about it!) Thanks for taking time to read and comment.
LandP - Don't you just love those days when all of humanity decides to let its freak out? Things go from ordinary to odd in 2.1 seconds.
Brenda - I was very impressed at how calmly my husband handled the entire thing. I think he was remembering all those times I'd taken care of him after he'd passed out. :)
Renaissance Lady - Thanks for the concern, but it looks like it was just a combination of stress and a garden variety vasovagal response to the nosebleed. I have strict orders to contact my doctor if it keeps happening.
Hope you're feeling better!
This made me laugh so hard. I thought of nothing so much as some of John Irving's hilarious familial descriptions. Praise God-uh! And may you Protect this-uh Fam-ilee-uh, in their time-uh of Need!
Did you go to the doctor to see what is going on? It is worth blowing a call to your GP and at least let it be in your record that this happened? I sure hope you are OK. This is a frightening account! And you're poor son, so distrissed by your fainting that he barfed. Thank goodness the whole fam damily wasn't there for this scary event.
Take good care of yourself, girl!
Trig - In my experience, reality is ALWAYS wackier than fiction.
Allie - I don't know about nosebleeds being gender-specific, but I'll be grateful to never get another one!
bluesurly - Actually, Dan and I were joking that if the other two kids were there, they'd both have been passing out. They're both quite sensitive to the vasovagal response and no doubt would have added to the chaos.
David - Thank you! Lunacy does indeed describe it well. As far as appetite goes, we're still working on getting that back.
Dharma - You know it! When we were driving home and Dan was telling me about the man praying and the other zaniness, I knew I had to write about it. I mean, how could I not? It was a comedic gift! Good thing I have no trouble laughing at myself. :)
m.a.h - Thank you! I didn't have to struggle to find the humor in this experience.
marcela - Actually, if the situation were reversed, and my husband had been the one to pass out, I'd be the one having the panic attack.
Thank you all for sharing in my odd little outing. Some days start off so ordinary, don't they?
I feel safe in laughing at your plight because I've been a fainter since I was about four -- when the doctor broke a needle in my arm while giving me a vaccination. Have had many embarrasing incidents over the years -- however not quite as colorfully mortifying as yours! Cheers!!
Rated. Hope you feel better!
I will never think of Outback the same anymore. I would mail the tip also. A person can only take so much public embarrassment!
This just stole my heart! Not in Outback, please!
Laughing aside, I'm sure that the crew has seen a lot worse in their time!
Connie Mack - Bwahaha! That's a mighty fine impression of an evangelical preacher. :)
Emma - Thank you for the compliment! I'd love to write comedy professionally, and there is no shortage of funny in my world. I feel sorry for people who can't laugh.
Cathy - You're sweet to worry but I did get checked out and I'm OK. Thank you for stopping by. :)
Nelly - Yikes! He broke a needle off in your arm? Just thinking of that makes me woozy. I'll bet you have some interesting stories to tell, too.
Roger - No drama, huh? Some people just don't know how make things interesting.
Helen - Projectile nosebleed? Oh my! That does not sound fun at all. Please tell me you weren't out in public when that happened.
asometimeyankee - Wow, what a nice compliment! It's wonderful to meet you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my zany story.
Pamela - Thank you. At least you know that whenever you go to Outback, it can't possibly be worse than my experience.
zumalicious - I hope you're right that the Outback crew has seen a lot worse. If not, I guess my family did a good job of initiating them.
Monique - It's OK to laugh about it. I'm still laughing about it myself, even though I was mortified at the time.
Poet - You're sweet to worry about me but I did see my doctor and all is OK. Thank you for reading.
Juliet - Oh, your comment had me cracking up. "There's something about Lisa" indeed! No one's quite sure what it is, though. :)
Jimmy - It's amazing how things can go from Fine to Freaky in no time at all, isn't it? Thanks for stopping by, my friend.
Verbal - Yay! I made you guffaw! Thanks for sharing in my lunacy.
If you are, that was disturbingly funny ! Of course, part of your notoriety that night has to be laid at the door of Mr. "I'll save your soul out loud before the whole restaurant without contributing much practical help."
Yeah, I can see why more iced tea was not going to help at that juncture. I hope the waitress remembers you DID offer to help clean up.
Glad everything turned out okay.
Grif - Ha! It sounds even funnier in your synapsis. :)
Eating half a meal and getting it comped plus stiffing the waitress? Brilliant!
And teaching young Evan to puke at the drop of a hat. You should get a Mother of the Year Award!
Was the preacher guy in on it? "Hey Uncle Joe, when I start bleeding, you come over and start praying to the heavens. Let's shake this place up and we'll all get some free grub!" Hehehehe
What a circus act! You should take that show on the road. Visit every chain restaurant across America and watch their stocks plummet.
OK. I'm done kidding around. That would scare the crap out of me. Glad you're OK. The Xanax will help. I know things are tough for you right now. Bless you and your dear family.
Do they have an Applebee's in your town? You could hone the act over there before heading back over to Outback in a week or two.
Or you could write a play.
angrymom - Surely things like this happen to other people, too, right? Don't they? Glad you enjoyed my crazy story. :)
Michael - You're such a bitch! Now you've gone and blown my cover. :) Nah, can't do Applebee's. I do have some standards you know.
busybeezee - I'm sorry for your rough week but happy that I was able to make you laugh. I appreciate you stopping by. :)
Teddy - Thanks for stopping by. No need to worry if your pups misbehave; as long as no one's bleeding, barfing, passing out, it's a good day!
But I want to know if your nose kept bleeding the whole time? Even after you were passed out? It would make it so much messier, you know?
Hysterical - glad you came out of it whole. To spread hysterical laughter once again!
Steve - You're right. At least no one got shot.
nerd cred - Oh, thankfully, no, my nose stopped bleeding even before I passed out, which makes the fact that I passed out that much more ridiculous. I guess once you trip that vasovagal switch-of-skeeve, there's no going back!
Dustbowldiva - I'm glad that you were able to laugh at our bizarre evening out. I hope the waitress could eventually find the humor in it!
I think I had the same reaction as a lot of people here. Not funny, but oh-so funny.
I have my own weird blood-nose experience. I got a bloody nose at the eye doctor's office and two weeks later I was diagnosed with cancer. I joked with the optometrist that he gave me cancer. He didn't get the joke and wouldn't let me come back to his office.
Not nearly as funny as your story, but weird nonetheless.
But really, what happened to you physically? Why did this happen? Perhaps you addressed it in the comments. I'll check.
PADeitschgirl - It was truly a bizarre scene, but I'm glad you got a chuckle out of it. I am OK for the most part; still needing some additional tests but I feel fine. Thanks for stopping by!
Oh God! I can't let my wife read this, she'll surely mimic you just to "miss out on those other things."
Happy to hear all is well now, Lisa
My daughter has von willebrand disease, a disease similar to hemophilia, but relatively milder. She's constantly plagued by nose bleeds too. What's really scary, and embarrassing for her, is that sometimes the blood travels from her nose through the tear ducts and into her eyes making it look like her eyes are bleeding.
Talk about terrified looks on people’s faces when that happens in public.
You had me laughing at finding "another restaurant to terrorize." :)
oh, I'm so sorry... but I don't think I can even finish reading now -- I'm laughing just too hard!!!
so sorry!!! (snort)
honest.