I’m not sure, but I think my body is trying to tell me something.
Over the past year, my body has disappointed me in many ways: from the wrinkles I didn't order to the hair growth in random places where I can't see it. Let’s not forget about the unkind things that gravity can inflict on once-buxom lady parts, and the curse of creaking, popping, and stiffening joints. Some days I look so awful that I could probably scare children if it weren’t for the fact that they would hear me coming long before I could actually reach them.
Thanks to the magic of aging, I’ve also seen a decrease in my usable memory seemingly in direct proportion to an increase in the size of my behind. I’ll admit that the extra padding comes in handy for those times when I need to sit down until I remember why it was I entered a room and what I was going to do once I got there. Sometimes I have to sit for a very long time before the Commodore 64 computer in my brain boots up and retrieves that missing but critical DOS file.
I’ve dealt with these changes quietly and maturely through the copious use of Sticky Notes and the banishment of all full-length mirrors from my house. I remind myself that looks aren’t the only measure of a person’s worth, and aging, despite over hyped skin care promises, is unavoidable. Still, in spite of my healthy acceptance of the aging process and all of its daily assaults (er,surprises,) nothing could possibly prepare me for this latest indignity:
Today I injured myself getting out of bed.
Yes, that’s right. Getting out of bed today didn’t go particularly well for me.
I know what you’re thinking: how can anyone injure herself while getting out of bed? Statistically, it’s one of the safer activities in which we all participate. I don’t have a good answer for you, so I’m going to blame it on a gap in my education.
When I was a young child learning anatomy ("your neck bone’s connected to your shoulder bone; your shoulder bone's connected to your arm bone; your arm bone's connected to your hand bone..."), no one bothered to tell me that my middle-aged flab was connected to my generously-padded hips. As a result of my ignorance, I carelessly tried to get out of bed while my flab stayed put, tugging on my hips, and throwing out my back.
Go ahead. You can laugh. Injuring oneself while getting out of bed takes a special brand of skill with a double helping of slothfulness. You have to punish those abdominal muscles for years with repeated rounds of childbirth and neglect in order to attain this level of poor fitness.
I know that sometimes I can be slow to recognize what’s obvious, but hurting myself trying to get out of bed is my own personal burning bush, a blaring message from the Universe that I need to get my act together and start taking better care of myself. Like it or not, I need to get back on my diet.
I’m no stranger to dieting and deprivation, having dieted my entire life from the age of nine. In fact, at any given time, my existence can be found within one of two distinct states: on a diet, or feeling guilty for having blown a diet.
This past year, I’ve spent much of it in the latter category, thanks to a long and lingering bout with depression and anxiety. I’ve learned that having the financial rug pulled out from under me isn’t conducive to making good health decisions. I not only fell off the health and fitness bandwagon, I chopped it into firewood and used it for home heating fuel. I stopped listening to my skinny jeans and chose instead to stuff them into the neighborhood donation bin. Why struggle with dieting when it’s so much easier to be morose and fat?
Today’s injury has forced me to reconsider that type of thinking. Like many Americans, I no longer have health insurance, so if I hope to avoid certain financial ruin (what little I have left, anyway) I need to do what I can to keep this body healthy and functioning. I might still need the Sticky Notes, but at least I won’t pull a muscle trying to open the packaging.
Comments
Believe it or not, I was absoulutely going to post something similar. I have been having certain pain in my right knee that I haven't had. My memory is definitely to be desired, I have times when I simply do not care, not an iota of how much I did over things at other times. I am more forlorn and out of place, but still able to communicate when I feel that something truly needs to be rectified, otherwise, let who ever wants to dish about stuff, go right ahead. If I feel it is worthy then I will share my feelings, if not no problem...lightheadness comes in handy. Especially I find when it comes to speaking to unruly teens. I have one that I am sure is finding ways to shave years off of my existence. When all is said and done, I plan to look out the window in the recesses of my mind, and remember somewhere along the way, I forgot what the heck I was thinking about in the first place. It'll get better, oh I saw a spray that is supposed to help to allivate hunger, I am going to look into this. So not only can I age gracefully, but I can be old and scrawny too.
There may be nothing quite as beautiful as vulnerability when it’s used to engage, entertain, and encourage others as you have here. This was lovely and winsome at the same time. I almost couldn’t get past the “Commodore 64 computer in my brain” line - from smiling, due to my own version of the same.
Rated and appreciated.
But as far as a "diet," goes, don't.
Eat what you want to eat.
Just eat HALF of what you'd normally think of as a "portion."
Every meal, every day.
OK, so my plan may not work for you, but as of this morning I've banished 32 lbs. and 3 dress sizes just by ignoring my grandma's voice in my head and throwing half of every meal away.
Hugs.
Susan - You are a brave woman, Susan, both by attempting to groom a dog and for having to face a mirror while doing it. Careful wtih the boyfriend. Sounds like he can be dangerous!
LandP - OK, now you're scaring me. I want to hear that it gets better! Love you, my sister.
Momsacomic - I LOVE your line about being old and scrawny. I've never been scrawny in my life, but I'm willing to put up with the "old" part if I can also have the "scrawny" part. Careful with those unruly teenagers.
Dennis - Wow, thank you! Such nice words and much appreciated.
Verbal - Not to sound too obtuse, but do you actually serve yourself half-portions, or regular portions and then throw half away? I worry I'd lack the self-discipline to throw half away but I might have a shot at taking half portions of everything.
Jen - I hear you, Jen. I'm tired of being a victim, though - of poor health, poor finances, poor judgment. Let's charge into 2010, fists to the wind! Or at least knowing that we've got friends who understand. :)
Stellaa - I'm with you: it's Verbal's Plan for me as well, starting January 1st. The only thing I'll have to count is "half." I can do that! Thanks for stopping by and saying such nice things, too. XOXO
good luck in your bod quest. I quit drinking
beer two weeks ago and I'm already thinning up,
and if I can do that then anything is possible...
And as of Friday I will be officially on the Verbal eating plan.
Since I cut out all dairy and meat (just go watch Food, Inc. -- there's a calorie-curbing eye-opener of a movie) I've lost some weight and as long as I take my vitamins, I have SOME energy.
Maybe you should start each morning with a warm-up before you get out of bed -- maybe there's a niche for a pre-warm-up warm-up video we should look into.
But we hear you! For me, it’s one misplaced cough and a very special disc in my neck takes its 2-month revenge. I’m in the middle of one right now.
Diet and exercise, baby. No escaping it. Thanks for helping ease the pain, Lisa! And Happy Damn New Year!
Example. This morning I was hungry for breakfast. (Some days I'm not anymore.) Hit the caf and ordered turkey sausage, eggwhites, and tater tots. The obliging girl behind the counter gave me "normal" portions of all. I had maybe 7 or 8 of the 25 tater tots, 3/4 of the eggwhites, and 1.5 links of the sausage. Also two cartons of skim and a giant coffee with half & half. Threw the rest away.
Skipping lunch, just because after eating this way for 8 months now, I've shrunk my appetite as well as my ass. No sense eating when I'm not hungry, you know? (I AM drinking a skinny latte, though. Calcium. Yum.)
Who knows what dinner will be? All I know is, it'll be about the size of a fist-and-a-half.
The other thing: I DON'T exercise with any regularity. The 5K thing is really only an EVENT thing. I don't do any running or jogging or weightlifting or anything like that in between events. I do 'em cuz they're fun, not because of anything to do with weight management. Exercise for weight management never did anything for my body. Only extreme portion reallotment.
Like I said, it may not work for everybody, but I was 168 and a tight size 10 last March when I visited Lauren and David in Arizona and saw the pictures that kicked my butt into action. Last weekend I weighed in at 135.5 and went to the post-Xmas and bought 3 pairs of jeans in a size 4.
I swear to god, this hasn't been painful; it's just required a total mental remapping of the part of my brain that looks at food and says, "yeah, that's a serving."
I look at a plate of food at a chain like Olive Garden now and literally it makes my stomach hurt.
You can do it. Email me if you need/want a cheerleader! I'll send you my regular email via PM.
YOU GO, GIRL.
Love your humor. I'm asking myself why you're not on my Favorites list already. But I'm about to remedy that now.
Rated.
Walk Away - I think that's all any of us can do - the best we can with what we've got left.
Trig - Has it been two weeks? You are totally rocking sobriety, dude!
Sally - No worries about laughing at me, just don't throw your back out. :)
ZoeZu - Sounds like we need a Verbal's Plan Support Group!
Gordon - Oh, yes. The knees are a whole 'nother issue. Aleve is my wonder drug.
Owl - Sneezing? Oh my! Now I have another activity to fear!
JK - I'll try to stay safe, but short of wrapping myself in bubble wrap and staying in bed, there are no guarantees.
Monsieur - Thank you for the vote of confidence, my friend.
Skeletnwmn - The commode? Seriously? I am no longer embarrassed at my own injury! Love your idea for a "pre-warm-up warm-up video."
DAVID! You're back! I thought you were gone forever. Thanks so much for stopping by. Happy New Year right back at you, my friend.
Eva - My thoughts exactly. Better to keep laughing! Thanks for sharing the ride with me.
Verbal - Thanks for the clarification. It makes such sense. I appreciate your offer and will definitely be PMing you.
Unbreakable - I hear you. I once woke up, unable to straighten or move my neck. My chiropractor was a miracle worker that time. Maybe it's the sleeping that's dangerous? Nah. I don't want to believe that. Thanks so much for the Favoriting. :)
Gail - It's so good to see you! Where have you been (or did I simply lose track of you because of so many people on here now?) I like the idea of your "taste every bite" diet. I think I'll give it a try in combination with Verbal's "eat half" plan. I'm sure that most of the time I'm too busy fretting about stuff or thinking of the next thing I have to do to actually taste the food I'm eating. Thanks, too, for the kind words. You totally made my day. XOXO
Steve - But Steve! My face has cleared up and I haven't passed out lately. I'm slightly less hideous than usual. :)
Sally - I think maybe you should have your prescription checked (or lay off the drugs a bit) but thanks just the same. XOXO
His clock-smacking parts were awake, but his standing-up parts were not.
Getting out of bed is a dangerous thing, evidently.
Here's the good news: If you gain more weight, you'll have fewer wrinkles. This is why I get carded buying wine. Have you ever seen a wrinkle on a balloon?
(thumbified for pain and suffering. ::comforting, non-ouchie pats::)
Nelly - Thanks! I feel blessed to have you in my corner.
sweetfeet - One thing for sure, middle age is definitely interesting, isn't it? Thanks for stopping by to share it with me.
Oh I have so much to say about this topic but I won't overwhelm you. And you're not asking for my opinion. With that said, I'm giving it to you anyway!
1. Diets don't work. They just don't. They're built to fail. It's the way you're eating, why you're eating and the what and when you're eating that matters. 3 smart meals a day. That's it. That's not that difficult and doesn't leave you feeling deprived. Snacks? Veggies, fruits - not fun, I know. But satisfying enough. Teas and water too.
2. Exercise. I too had employment and financial issues this year. With that extra time, I took a walk or a run every day. (I surf as well, I know and that's highly aerobic.) But just that simple walk in the am gets you on the right foot. Your body feels energized, awake.
3. Stretch. The reasons things get pulled and hurt is because no one stretches. While watching tv, gently stretch. Stretch while dancing to a song. Just stretch in whatever way is comfortable to you. Spinal flexibility is key. It's NOT about age, Lisa. It's not. It's about maintaining flexibility and aerobic exercise. Pretty soon, you'll come to enjoy it because it feels good.
4. Depression and exercise. Nothing, nothing, nothing is more important to the treatment of my depression than exercise. There's not a pill that touches it. I exercise now because I need to, and now, I LOVE it. I get my mind back. Even a ten-minute walk helps my spirits.
Okay, sorry, I'm preaching. I just feel very strongly about this topic. There's easy, accessible ways to insure your uninsured body (the other reason I HAVE to exercise. I need to stay healthy because of my lack of health insurance.)
It's more of a spiritual, fun approach than a deprivation-based approach.
Oh and cook your own meals of course. Cook using basic, healthy ingredients. Don't worry about fucking carbs, etc. Just cook healthy meals. 3 times a day.
And water. Lots of of it.
Baths also help keep your muscles limber. Stretch a little while taking a bath. Twist spine. It's all about the spine.
Bye. Enough Beth preachy.
Beth - Your advice is so sane. And you're right - I NEVER stretch. No wonder I feel stiff so much of the time. The only good thing I do is that I walk the dog (every day unless it's bitter cold or nasty outside.) Getting to a gym? Probably not going to happen. Playing frisbee or basketball with the kids? That's more my speed. I've never gotten that "exercise high" that so many people speak of, though, even when I was going to the gym. Thanks for the good advice. I'm determined to get myself back on track!
Patricia - Thank you! And thanks to Stellaa for pointing you here.