Living in a household full of boys, I’ve dealt with a respectable amount of repugnant things: I’ve given beef-jerkified lizards a proper burial. I’ve raised metamorphosing caterpillars on my kitchen counter. I’ve disposed of the lifeless remains of birds and mice who decide to live out their final moments in my yard or within the walls of my home. I’ve cleaned my toddler’s poop-painting masterpiece from the rails of his crib, and in my years of raising kids and pets, I’ve sopped up an unholy amount of pee.
I’ve even had the distinctive honor of discovering what happens to salamanders when they take a 60-minute spin in the clothes dryer while inside someone’s pants pocket (at least it helped prepare me for the beef-jerkified lizard.)
In spite of all of these outstanding qualifications for Handling All Things Dreadful, I avoid having to deal with barf – my own or someone else’s – at all costs.
I take an inordinate amount of care to prevent instances for which barf might be an outcome. For instance, I obsessively wash my hands during stomach virus season, I don’t drink enough alcohol to become sick, and my medicine cabinet and refrigerator are stocked full of foods, potions, and remedies designed to keep stomach contents inside a body where they belong.
Currently, I’m even questioning my decision to go back to school for my Elementary Ed teaching degree since young kids often throw up in school. Maybe Secondary Ed students would have stronger stomachs?
No matter how diligently I try to avoid it, barf always seems to find me. Once, my son Matt came home from school with the Stomach Virus du Jour. I handed him The Bucket, into which he promptly vomited. I applauded myself for my quick reflexes in catching that one in time and sparing my brand new living room carpet.
For the next four days, Matt lay on the sofa in the living room, recovering from his stomach virus. He did not throw up any more in those four days, so I figured he was feeling better. After all, the Bucket had been beside him the entire four days, unused. If he hasn’t thrown up again by now, he’s not going to. I decided to put The Bucket away. This was a critical error in judgment.
I literally – LITERALLY! - picked up The Bucket, walked two steps past Matt on the sofa, when suddenly everything that Matt had not thrown up in the previous four days launched out of him like a scene from The Exorcist and onto our new carpet. How could this be? He was fine for the entire four days that The Bucket was near him. Why on Earth did he suddenly explode all over the carpet simply because I put The Bucket away? It’s my curse, I tell you.
Unfortunately, it’s not just my children who force me to deal with such unpleasantness. Our last dog, Shelby, was an extreme barfer. A severe food allergy which could not be 100% alleviated as well as a condition which caused her to regurgitate after eating meant that I was forced to manage daily barf episodes.
Even before Shelby, my previous dog suffered from pancreatitis near the end of his life which meant that he, too, would frequently throw up. No matter how hard I try, or how carefully I plan, I simply can’t escape such revulsion.
Knowing my history of owning dogs with supremely sensitive stomachs, it’s probably no surprise that while in the process of adopting my current dog, Bailey, I was especially concerned with her digestive habits.
Even when I was informed of all of Bailey’s many shining qualities, I couldn’t help asking one more time, “Are you sure she doesn’t throw up every day? You’re positive she’s not allergic to her dog food? It’s definite that she doesn’t regurgitate unexpectedly?” Bailey’s former owner assured me that no, Bailey has never, ever, thrown up. Not even once.
You can tell what’s coming, right? In my world, a statement like that pretty much guarantees that the dog will definitely hurl once she’s under my ownership.
Shortly after I adopted Bailey, we had severe thunderstorms for three nights in a row. The poor dog cowered and shook as we learned that Bailey is terrified of thunder and lightning.
Apparently being in a constant state of fear for three days negatively affects a dog's digestion. Bailey proceeded to throw up a dog vitamin (green in color, naturally) on my newly Stanley-Steemered living room carpet.
To understand and appreciate the full irony of this, you need to know:
1) The dog hasn't thrown up since she's been born (according to her former owner.)
2) I just had the carpet cleaned the week before, confident that my barfing dog days were behind me.
3) Until that day, Bailey had been afraid to come into the living room at all (because of the movement of the ceiling fan, I think.) The day she barfed was only the second time she'd come into the living room since we've had her.
4) The living room is the ONLY room on the first floor of my house that has carpeting. If she threw up anywhere else, it could have easily been cleaned up. Now instead I get to enjoy a lovely green stain that keeps reappearing in spite of my cleaning and re-cleaning efforts.
I should probably just accept the fact that as long as I have kids and pets, my barf curse is unlikely to end any time soon. Maybe I should look into whether or not carpet cleaning companies offer frequent flyer miles.
Comments
I share your pain.
I swear, animals seek out the carpet for their nasty business. My entire downstairs is tile, except for one rug in the living room. A certain cat sitter, who will never be used again, locked the cat out of the room with her litter box. Seriously, that's worse than no cat sitter. But the cat used the "pad" we thoughtfully provided for her, and only went on the living room rug. Ugh.
Funny.
Then, soak the spot with a solution of 1/4 cup white vinegar to a quart of water, leave it sit for five minutes. Put an old bath towel over it, then push down the towel with your feet or knees or suck it up with a wet vac. Let dry.
If the stain or odor is still there, you can reflood it with plain water or repeat the process. A wet vac helps, if you have one or can borrow one.
Hope this helps.
(thumbified with hugs and sympathy)
So if we were both there, I would be gagging over the vomit, or she would be swooning over the blood. By myself I could handle the puke and by herself she would be able to muddle through cleaning up the cut or getting them to the hospital for stitches.
Talk about your codependencies ...
Rated for utter hilariousness. I just LOVE your posts!
Rated with empathy.
Thumbed. Beef-jerkified lizard? Ugh.
Oh, and of course a plastic trashcan in every room. You never know.
I've noticed a real trend on TV and in movies of showing revulsion by having the character barf. Please, Mr. and Ms. TV and movie director, no. more. barfing. It's chicken shit, not to mention disgusting. There is entirely too much barfing on TV!
Rated for great barf humor.
"On the living room rug," I would say.
But she rarely vomited.
Mary - Your car experience is my worst nightmare. Forget drowning or boogeymen; a carfull of barfing kids would totally do me in.
Mrs. M - Thanks for showing me that it could be worse. Upholstered furniture? Yikes!
Lea - Wow, thanks! What a nice compliment. I'm laughing at the "No-You-Can-t-Have-The-Car-Key-Years" and the "Call Your Mom Once and While Years."
Gus - Poop in the bathtub is always a good time.
Denise - Poor cat! She probably thought she was doing a good thing by using that "pad."
Owl - Thank you! I'm sorry that you've had to live through your own Barf Years, though.
Julie - Dainty barf? Too funny!
OES - Ah, yes: the Barfing on Just-Cleaned Carpet Corollary. I figured I was doomed by cleaning the carpet, but I thought I get to enjoy the clean for longer than a week.
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=nature%27s+miracle+stain+and+odor+remover&aq=1&oq=nature%27s+mir&aqi=g10
Jodi - You're a stain removal goddess! I'm trying your suggestion as soon as I'm done here.
Gwool - Your comment made me laugh in recognition. My husband can do the barf, but no blood. I can do the blood, but no barf. Yes, it is way more revolting for some reason to handle either of them when your partner is in the room with you.
Cartouche - I think you're right. I love young children, but the chance of occasional vomiting is a real deal breaker.
Squirrel - I knew I should have put a warning up for you to not read this. Your offspring will NEVER barf.
Jeanette - Wow, a month? Did you make a pact with the devil or something for that kind of clean-carpet longevity?
1_IM - Oh my gosh - you pushed her out of the way? Bwahaha! I can totally relate. If someone would have told me about this barf business, I would have reconsidered my decision to have children.
Cindy - What a story! P. S. I'll trade you my barf for your pee.
Steve - Of course I've seen that Family Guy clip. You sent it to me when I wrote about my other son barfing in Outback when I passed out. Hmmm, do you think I write about barf too frequently?
Jeanette - No, I haven't seen that Seinfeld episode but you know that I'll have to search for it now. :)
Laurenjw - I'm happy I could help! :)
Bill S - Getting rid of all of the carpeting is definitely a goal of mine. Solid floors make dealing with the inevitabilities of childhood and pet ownership a lot easier to take. Regarding the lizard: it's exactly how you picture it. Really.
angrymom - I read your post. Life isn't fair, is it?
gracie - Thanks for the Mountain Dew warning. I have a similar tip about red Twizzlers. My oldest son ate some on his school bus one time, came into the house, and proceeded to barf all over his bedroom carpet - 20 minutes before we were scheduled to show our house when we were trying to sell it! The only red things any of them are allowed to eat after that experience are strawberries.
Laurel - No, I have not tried Nature's Miracle, but it sounds like I need to. Is it available in pet supply stores or do I have to mail order it?
Cap'n - Aw, thank you! :) Barf on TV, huh? Sounds like I'm lucky that I don't watch much television these days. Ew!
deepcleav - I hear you! I've thrown away sheets and clothing, too. Avoiding the ew factor makes it worth the expense.
nerd cred - Bwahaha! I'm never going to hear the name Spot again without thinking of you. Thanks for the URL for Nature's Miracle. They have so many different varieties, it must be good stuff.
LandP - Hey! I was reading yours while you were reading mine. How cool is that?
Leah's right, though, the years change the issues. Although, wait, last weekend our son, age 25 and living on his own, came to us with food poisoning and stayed two days. Dad manned the bucket, I made went out --frequently-- for ginger ale.
And yes, can someone tell me, how is that in a house full of tile and wood floors, the dogs seek out even the smallest rug to vomit upon? Why, why, why????
Rated for the usual good writing and quirky humour.
The vet gave her 2 weeks to live. Ideopathic gastroenteritis. She died at age 16. Still have no clue what the mess was about.
And did I mention that I have a new granddaughter who at the age of one month could projectile pee? She talented, that one. And I don't have to clean up after her. (I know nothing about her vomiting habits. I don't ask.)
then it seems like a joyous occasion. and i'll join jody singing the praises of vinegar. it's the only baptism those babies are going to get.
actually, i feel sorry for those people with no children or pets, because they're crippled in the face of horrible disgusting messes. this is a valuable skill!
My favorite was when my (then) five-year-old son decided to spin his (then) three-year-old daughter round and round in my new office chair. I had to throw the chair out in the end. Every time anyone (namely me) sat in it, it got warm, and the smell came back. Bleah.
Office chairs are not carnival rides. Put that right near the one about lizards getting dizzy in the wash.
Kisses and rated!
Mrs. M - Of course it's my fault. We all know that barf is contagious, like yawning. Hope Puppy Monster feels better soon!
Sally - I was trying to remember who I knew that passed out when they threw up. It was you! Too bad you didn't go with us when we went to Outback. That would have been a good time between you, me, and Evan.
Allie - I'm pretty sure that cats have perfected the art of vomiting. Dogs could learn much from them (but hopefully not MY dog.)
Ablonde - YES! I remember that scene from Parenthood. It's a classic. :)
Emma - Do you think the cats look at carpet as being some type of "wee wee pad" like is used in housebreaking dogs? Or maybe they just like to mess with us. Thanks for the kind words. :)
Roy - Thank you!
Julie - We ended up buying a wipeable sofa after my then-2-year-old barfed up chocolate milk all over our old upholstered couch. I could never quite get that smell out of it.
nerd cred - OK, yours has to be the WORST pet mess story ever. And projectile peeing? I thought only boys did that. Your granddaughter is gifted!
reinvented - I've been asking the same question in my house.
froggy - Oh no, not the office chair! They should have a warning label pasted on every one of them (the chairs, not the children. Or maybe it should be the other way around?)
Marcela - Some tasks are universal, aren't they? :)
p.s. I buy Nature's Miracle in the bargain 1 gallon size.
I believe I failed to tell you how funny you are. But of course for me this topic is no laughing matter.
That poor salamander!
M Todd - Oh, yes; the spit-up years. I remember meeting with a client for work and discovering in horror afterward that I had a streak of spit-up down my back. Ah, those were the days.
Laurel - I know that sound well and you described it perfectly. What a way to awaken! I hope that the barfee feels better and doesn't make you have to clean up anything else. P. S. XOXO
JW - With five animals, you no doubt have earned your wings cleaning up messes. It's sad about the salamanders (x 2!) but I like to think that they're in a better place now (one that doesn't heat up and spin!)
I think we all need to insist for frequent flyer miles from the Stanley Steamer people.
And it sounds like everyone’s got a good puke story or two. (I’ll spare you mine!)
ZoeZu - Oh no! You're not going to blame your dog puking on me like Mrs. Michaels did, are you?
David - I'll bet that with your little ones, you have some really good stories, too. :)
i've been researching removing stains froma carpet online. if you can tell me how to get Pee stains out, i will worship you forever. well, i already do that. i'll think of something else. i'm reading a lot about distilled white vinegar and i'm close to using it. you also validated my lack of cleaning. if you don't clean, then you don't get so upset about "accidents" on the rug.
anyway, i have green vomit stains as well as coffee, red wine, pet pee and tohers. i will let you know if the vinegar works on any of them.
love love lvoe and huge gratitude. now please send me one of your EPs since i will, apparently, never get one again. :)
Teddy - I'm so happy I could help reinforce your decision about the kids but you didn't listen to me about the dogs. :) In all seriousness, I can't imagine life without them; I just wish they weren't so messy! For pee, which usually isn't my issue these days, I use my Bissell Little Green Machine. That seems to work. Now if you can tell me how to get out the darker, retch-inducing stuff, I'd be most grateful!
Roger - I'm the same way. It takes a lot of mental effort on my part to NOT hurl myself. Thanks for taking time out of stalking conservative Republicans on Twitter to stop by. :)
Jimmy - That's excellent advice. We had another episode over the weekend and it made me more determined than ever to get rid of the ONLY carpeted room on our first floor. Apparently, if given a choice, dogs and kids will go out of their way to make a mess on the carpeted area.
I once had a "chronically vomiting cat", the phrase my vet gave to it. He was stroking his chin as he said it and was staring off into space. "This is a real problem..."
I had ants covering my mail this morning. I stepped on two slugs in the last week. There's a brown, hairy object in the corner of my bathroom that I refuse to talk.
Word to gross things.
Beth - You're right; gross is not limited to kids or pets. Brown hairy thing in the bathroom, huh? I think I'd have to move!
But relax, Lisa. I'm nowhere near the Stanley Steamered carpet.
(And I won't mention the occasional cat hairball I've met witih my foot in dark bedrooms.)
Rated