Evan was worried about something. He stayed near me in the kitchen as I prepared his lunch for school, silently tracing the floor tiles with his big toe: over, down, across, and up. His silence was uncharacteristic. Normally, he’d be chatting away breathlessly, bursting with tales from his 9-year-old life.
“What’s up Evan? You seem worried,” I asked.
Evan stopped tracing the floor tiles with his toe, seemingly relieved that I broached the matter of his concern.
“I…I can’t tell you,” he hesitated. “It’s something about Ryan and he’ll kill me if I tell you.”
Knowing that Evan is unable to keep a secret of any kind for any length of time, I knew that sooner or later, I’d have the dirt on whatever deed my youngest son was covering up for his oldest brother. I’ll ask him a few questions, and he’ll break wide open like a piñata at a birthday party.
“Is it something dangerous?” I questioned, anxious to unravel the mystery before the school bus was due to arrive.
“What do you mean dangerous?”
“I mean, is it something that can harm his, or someone else’s, health?”
“Yes! It’s something that can harm someone’s health. It’s something I found in Ryan’s car.”
My mind raced with the possible misdeeds in which a 19-year-old might engage and then leave evidence afterward in his car.
I remembered that an old girlfriend of Ryan’s had left a pack of cigarettes in his car. Maybe Ryan didn’t throw them out yet and Evan saw them.
“Is it a pack of cigarettes?”
“Nope, no cigarettes. But I can’t tell you what it is because Ryan will kill me. That would be harmful to my health.” Evan giggled at his own joke.
I tousled Evan’s hair. “Ryan’s not going to kill you. Besides, I can’t imagine that Ryan would have something dangerous in his car.”
“He does! You’re going to kill him when you find out and then he’s going to kill me for telling you.”
“Well, what if you tell me and then I go find it myself later in Ryan’s car? Then he won’t know you told me.”
“I don’t know…” Clearly I was wearing the boy down.
“Ok, ok. Is it a beer bottle? “
“No.”
“It’s not a beer bottle? What is it then? Is it girls’ underwear?”
“Ew! Girls’ underwear? No. It’s worse than that.”
“Worse? What could be worse than cigarettes, a beer bottle, or girls’ underwear in Ryan’s car?” Now I was really concerned. Was it drug paraphernalia, and if so, how did Evan recognize what it was? How do I ask Evan about drugs when he probably doesn’t know what they are yet? An awful thought hit me. What if the thing in Ryan’s car is a weapon?
“Evan honey,” I began, as calmly as possible. “Is it a gun? Does Ryan have a gun in his car?”
“No, Mom. Ryan doesn’t have a gun in his car.”
No gun. This should have made me feel better, but it didn’t. I still didn’t know what was in Ryan’s car that was so harmful. I could feel myself starting to panic as I tried to think of all of the things that could possibly be worse than a gun. I couldn’t think of anything.
“You’ve got to tell me, Evan. If it’s something that bad, I need to know before Ryan hurts himself or someone else.”
“Do you promise you won’t tell him I told you?”
“I pinky-swear promise I will not tell him you told me. Now what is it that Ryan has in his car that’s so dangerous to his health?”
“It’s not dangerous to Ryan’s health, Mom. It’s dangerous to yourhealth.”
Now I was really freaked out. Was my own son plotting to kill me? Did Evan find rat poison or some other toxin in Ryan’s car with a note attached: to be used for killing Mom?
“Alright Evan, this is serious. You’ve got to tell me right this minute. What on earth is in Ryan’s car?”
At last, Evan was going to break. He stood up tall on his tippy toes to reach my ear. With a cupped hand, he shielded the secret he whispered in my ear.
He was right. This thing in Ryan’s car was terrible. It was nasty. It was hazardous to a person’s health. It was something that I thought was absent from our lives for good. Apparently I was wrong.
“Ryan has a can of Axe in his car.”
Axe body spray. Now that is truly terrifying.
(For those unfamiliar with the Axe back-story and why it strikes us with fear, you can read about it here.)
Comments
On the other hand, maybe he's just using it as an air freshener for his car :)
R
They could have sprayed him with Hai Karate or Canoe.
Stay safe, Lisa.
(Good gawd that stuff is awful. What ever happened to good old Old Spice, Williams Electric Spray, and - damn, what was that other stuff?)
Rated.
Then the Internet froze with about 15 seconds left and the score tied, which I suppose are the wages of sin.
As a highly allergic type, my dauther's fingers when polished or using polish remover almost killed me. And Axe sounds ever so much worse. So, what exactly is it for? Smelling horrible or a skin tanner in a bottle? Great post, sorry I don't know a thing about Axe but then I do not have a son. Your younger son sounds so adorable. He cannot tell a lie!
PS - full disclosure here, my lover-man has used Axe several times. Ugh. I notice that it's been absent for a (blessed) while... Maybe there's hope.
I have 2 teenage sons who like Axe, but I was the one who picked out the varieties that they use. Some of their friends have the more aggressively-scented versions, which are difficult to tolerate. It gets worse: one of their friends prefers to skip all fragrances except the natural odor of days-unwashed teenage male. So, when any of these young men have been hanging out with my sons at our house, I break out the scented candles once they are gone.
My sons wear Kilo, Clix or Phoenix... those are the only Axe varieties my nose could endure without shutting down. You have my sympathies, Lisa!
Smithery - I'm laughing at the image of Axe as an air freshener. It's like saying that eau d' litterbox is a fine perfume.
Roger - Trust me, those scents have nothing on Axe when it comes to nastiness.
Mrs. M - I'm pretty sure that's on there somewhere as a black box warning.
Skeptic Turtle - It's entirely possible he's trying to kill me. He's tried it before!
A R - Fortunately, I haven't smelled Drakkar Noir. Yes, I'm extremely happy about that fact.
1_IM - Oh my gosh, you made me nearly bust a gut laughing!
FusunA - I can't imagine being surrounded by 30 teen boys wearing Axe. I always thought that teachers were severely underpaid but now I'm sure of it.
Owl - I just hope he keeps it in the car.
Lorraine - Thank you!
Bonnie - Thanks. They do keep life interesting.
Sheepy - Now what have I done to you to deserve a lifetime supply of Axe in my house? Is your collar too tight? Do you need a flea bath?
JK - I'm thinking of putting a warning label on his car window.
mypsyche - Thank YOU so much for stopping by.
Eva - Twinkies are frightening but at least they don't smell bad. :)
Trig - You're right; it IS a weapon. In fact, we could end both wars right now just by replacing all bombs with canisters of Axe.
Ann - Oh I would have loved to have read that! Thanks for sharing my misery.
Leonde - You're right. I just think it's so funny that Evan thought the Axe was worse than all of those things I named.
Rita - I hear you. There are many things in a teen's life about which "don't ask, don't tell" applies.
John - Thank you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
(I am a HUGE fan of Evan's, you know.)
Dr. Spud - Amazingly, no women are flopped all over the place like in the commercials. Hmmm...do you think those Axe commercials could be lying?
Deborah - Yes, I think they do just market Axe to teenagers, specifically male teenagers. There's got to be a scientific reason for why the teen males love the stuff but the rest of the world thinks it's awful.
sweetfeet - Thanks for checking out the earlier post, too. :)
Donna - I think that's exactly it. If you were to analyze the chemical components in Axe, they are no doubt ones that only the young male population finds enjoyable.
Gwendolyn - Thanks!
Maria - Your comment made me laugh out loud. :)
ocularnervosa - That's my hope exactly.
mynameise - Can't forget good old Aqua Velva. I remember my dad complaining that it used to sting badly.
LandP - Yes, I'm going to tell him. I think he'll get a chuckle out of Evan's dramatic reaction. Besides as long as he keeps the Axe in his car, it's OK with me. It's his lungs that will suffer, not mine!
Leeandra - You have my sympathies, you poor girl.
ttfn - Thank you. XOXO
Steve - Your "circling the drain" comment cracked me up! By the way, Ryan's car is 16 years old, and only cost $4,000. He worked two years to be able to buy it. Of course, now it's suffering from Axe-inhalation, which depreciates its value even further. :)
Verbal - :)
Wendyo - You are fortunate that you do not know what this stuff is. Axe comes in different scents and different types (body wash, shampoo, and body spray). Boys use it like cologne, to make themselves smell "good" (I use that term v-e-r-y loosely, by the way.)
WalkAwayHappy - You said it! I was totally freaked out worrying about what Ryan might have in his car that's harmful. When I heard it was Axe, it was a funny relief.
mynameise - Your man uses it too? It's an epidemic!
Joan H - Sorry to worry you! That's how I was too; worried until Ryan told me what it was. :)
Za Za Cat - Unwashed male teen ... now there's a raw odor! I can't speak for the other Axe scents, but the one that Ryan likes, Instinct is nasty beyond all nastiness. Good on your sons for staying away from that one.
Trauma Queen - Thank you! I'll let Evan know that he has a fan. :)
http://info.break.com/static/live/v1/pages/sponsors/axe-cyb/axe-cyb.html
Too bad they're not as good with fragrance as they are with wordplay.
Lorna B - Oh no. Body sprays for tweens? Now I have something else to worry about. Thanks for the heads up. I'll start working on Evan now.
Kisses,
Marcela
Thanks for this! Happy Day to you and your family!
JulieShanti - I'm so glad you enjoyed it. :)