My son Evan has a birthmark. What’s unusual about it is that it’s not only quite large, about 2 inches by 4 inches, but it’s also completely flat and much paler than his skin tone. It’s almost as if he was born before someone had finished coloring him.
While the birthmark is hidden away under long pants much of the year, its presence on the side of his right calf is once again visible to the world every spring and summer, a sign to all that there’s something different about Evan.
When he was younger, Evan used to ask me about it: “What is this thing on me, Mom?”
“It’s a birthmark.”
“A birthmark? What’s a birthmark?”
“A birthmark is something that makes you special.”
For years, this explanation was enough. Being special is good, right? At three, four, and five years old, there was nothing more to consider. It was a birthmark and it made Evan special.
One day at school, another child suggested to Evan that perhaps his birthmark wasn’t such a cool thing. It was an oddity; something to hide; a thing of shame.
“Do you have a birthmark, Mom?”
“Of course,” I said, showing him a few of the randomly placed dark brown marks on my own body.
He grew silent. I knew what was coming.
“But why is my birthmark white and yours are brown?”
I had no idea how to respond. It’s moments like this that every parent dreads. You have to think of an answer quickly, but it can’t be just any old response. Whatever you choose to say is going to determine how the child feels about this particular issue from this time forward. I knew that I had one chance to say the right thing. Anything that I said about his birthmark would no doubt color the way that Evan perceived it for the rest of his life.
“Well, Evan, God gave you a white birthmark so that He can tell you apart from the other children as you grow up. People look a lot different when they’re grownups and He wanted to be sure that he could always find you.”
Was this true? I don’t know; I obviously haven’t heard from God personally about it. All I know is that my response enabled Evan to view his birthmark in a more positive light. It was no longer an object of shame for him but instead a source of pride.
The other day, we were talking about a field trip that he would soon be taking to the city with his class. Evan thought that they might have a chance to jump in one of the city’s fountains while they were there. Of course, being a mom, and noting that Evan would be wearing long pants, I told him that it wouldn’t be too good to get his clothes wet and then have to ride home that way.
Not one to give up a battle easily, Evan proceeded to show me how he could roll up his pants to solve the problem. As he rolled his right pant leg, the large white birthmark came into view. He outlined it gently with his fingers, as if being reunited with an old friend.
“Oh look,” he said. “There’s my totally awesome birthmark.”
Awesome indeed.
Comments
I went to school with a kid that had a hereditary bald patch on the side of head behind his temple where hair should have grown. Naturally, we nick-named him Spot. He thought it was great!
You are Wonderful. Rated.
{[R]}
Rated.
You did such a good thing. We have those chances to make things right or make a mess, we have to think fast and be as honest as possible - you did it just right.
But, if he continues to have problems with peers as he gets older, just tell him to ask his friends if they like tattoos. If they do then tell him to tell his friends "Well, God just decided to tattoo me when I was born, cause he just thinks Im that special"
I did discover a couple of years ago, as I was twisting around to look at my from-behind view in a summer dress, that the shape of my birthmark is a reasonably close rendering of the outline of Ireland. So I guess that's something of a win; as long as I have a dark red splotch on the back of my thigh, it might as well look like a country I visit with some frequency.
This is a lovely family portrait. It is important for children to have reassurances that being different is OK so that their self-esteem is intact.
V
Can I have your phone number? That way when one of my kids asks the question without an answer I can tell them "everybody know the answer to that question! Here, call Lisa and ask her, you'll see. It's simple."
Michael - It's a joy to see you here. Does this mean you have more time to hang around on OS?
Lucy - I love your beautiful explanation to your daughter!
Jane - Thank you!
Mimetalker - Wow, thanks so much!
Lea - Thank you, Lea. Yeah, I keep hoping that someone would want to pay me to compile them into a book. :) If nothing else, I'm documenting our family history.
Monkey - What a lovely comment. YOU made ME smile. I hope that you're right; that they do feel loved.
Jonathan - Those weren't leg braces; they were Superhero Leg Accessories. :) I really appreciate you stopping by.
Smithery - Thanks, but we all know I don't do so well with Teenager #2.
Joan - Thank you!
Owl - Thanks. I was surprised to hear him speak of the birthmark so positively. Can you imagine if all of us were taught to believe that what made us unique was wonderful? We would not feel limited by anything.
Wonderful story.
"Mom," she said. "I wish I only had three fingers."
"Why?"
"Because then I would be special. There's nothing special about me."
For my daughter, her friend's supposed handicap was to be envied. As you can imagine, it led to a long and fruitful discussion about being individuals.
R
I am glad I read this. I am hopping around like a lame old-hippo with a potbelly belly.
It keeps protruding.
Belly do go popping.
Belly wiggle and puff.
O, my. So Yummy goo.
Scones, bread, butters,
Strawberry blush tattoo,
Some day I no eat fat lards.
Praise the fat belly of lambs.
huh?
Sheep are 'dropping' like hail.
No hell.
Heaven.
Goat 'drops' twin baby billy-kids.
America is still a `Land of cheese,
Ay homemade bread, `Bacon lard.
O, Paradise.
B.S. DC sound like a `Reformatory.
Wall Street panhandlers`Puff butts.
Bums wear fancy threads `Pee Oy O.
Be, real nice.
Practice kind.
It's Our Land.
O You and me.
I was gonna comment that:`
My Grand Children have Beauty Marks. Annabella has light brown birthmarks the same as her brother. The marks are very light brown that blend with the pink. Annabella has just begun to 'receive' brown facial-cheek freckles. Beautiful.
`
I come bye to pinpoint beauty.
My role is to annoy farm folks.
If I didn't irritate I's `grumpy.
`
I hide? I seek friendly faces.
If I'm irksome I am loving.
Potential mischief follow.
Thanks for no lip smooch.
I mean`You pucker at home.
You peck`Ya home lover boy.
This is a lovely story and you are a wonderful mother.
So achingly wonderful I am sighing.
I had a long brown birthmark on my calf when I was a kid. As the whitest person in my family (for the record we are of English/Irish/Scottish/Dutch/German/Spanish/Cuban blood), my mother always told me how darling my mark was. I also have two "beauty" marks; one on my neck and one near my left eye.
A Chinese friend said that my the mark near my eye was considered "unlucky" because it was near my eyes, like a tear. I told her that I felt it was lucky because it allowed me to feel and to cry.
My mother explained most of our "spots" as angel kisses. That sufficed for me as a kid and still does today at the ripe age of 41.
Great post! Rated!!!
Larry - It's the latest trend. :)
Dianaani- Yes, that was the most reassuring part: seeing that his self-esteem is in fine shape.
Dear Reader - Thank you! You never know for sure with kids, but this one looks like it's worked out the way I'd hoped.
Blue in TX - Absolutely!
Leeandra - Your story about the little girl with the deformed ear has to be the sweetest story ever. Just imagine if every parent made every child feel that loved and special.
Ann - You are so kind. Thank you!
Placebostud - I like the idea of comparing it to a tatto0. I'll remember that one in case the birthmark loses it's awesomeness when he becomes a teenager.
Gabby Abby - Aw, thank you so much!
Tom - I'm honored to see you here. I agree with you about the evolutionary value of being different. It makes you wonder why so many people strive to be exactly the same, doesn't it?
Nora - I love that your birthmark looks like Ireland. You're right; that IS a win. Thanks for sharing your great attitude here.
Outside Myself - Are we related? I have a mole to the right of my upper lip and my mother always called it a beauty mark just like your mom did. Because she made it sound so positive, I never worried about it.
Silkstone - Thank you!
Diary - Thanks for the compliment. I agree that our differences should be celebrated.
Elena - If I had my way, they would be. Thank you for stopping by.
Kathy - Thank you! I appreciate your support.
Sao Kay - How wonderful to see you here! I've missed you as well.
LandP - I feel lucky to have him, too. :)
Jimmy - You are SO right! I'm quite sure that there wasn't a section on birthmarks in any of the parenting books I'd read. We just have to make it up as we go along, don't we?
Roy - Thank you. :)
Catnlion - Ha! Actually, I'm still figuring out the teenage stuff.
Densie - I hope so. I wonder if he'll feel differently when he gets older, but for now, he seems to be completely fine with it.
mamoore - Thank you. I like that image, too, (although I'm still wondering if that sentence should read "was born" or "were born.")
Not-so-Cranky - Awesome comment. :)
Cap'n - Thank you! Your comment made me smile.
1IM - And I love you back. XOXO
FLW - What a sweet story (and teachable moment!) Your daughter sounds like a loving and compassionate child.
Buffy - Thank you. Everyone needs someone to remind them of their specialness.
Art - Wow - TWO comments? I'm honored! Hugs to those sweet grandchildren. Freckles are the best, aren't they?
Vanessa - Thanks for the compliment, although I'm still working the bugs out on the teenager. :)
Lainey - You're right; I wouldn't have thought to look up the causes of the birthmark (although now I wish I had.) Perhaps it's not WHAT we tell them that matters as much as the love with which it is said.
Julie - Thank you!
WriterMom - Teasing is the worst when you're in school. I used to be teased about my nose. I really let the comments get to me. Looking back, the teasers wouldn't have had such power over me if I'd felt better about myself. Hopefully our kids will feel more empowered if it happens to them.
Emma - Thank you so much! I'm always happy to see your name in my comments.
anna1liese - I'm so glad you stopped by.
Brie - ...and a very nice comment, too. XOXO
Sheila - Thank you!
sweetfeet - I don't always feel that I rock, so it's nice to hear it from you. :)
Kat - Your comment gives me hope that Evan will continue to think of his birthmark as "awesome" for a long time to come. Thank you!
Gary - Thank you, my friend.
Sparking - Your lovely words touched me as well. Thank you so much.
Robin - Thank you!
Xyzzy - Your mom sounds very wise. I can see her spirit reflected in your great attitude. Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your story.
ame i - I LOVE this: " it's the mark God left when he touched her to see if she was done cooking." Your daughters are lucky to have such a loving mom.
Where I grew up (mostly rural South) everyone has a similar scar, pale white or pink or brown, on their calf -- from the muffler of a motorcycle. Mine is very small, smaller than most, but it's there!
Julie - XOXO
When I was getting ready to start junior high, when we would have to shower in gym class, I was terrified that I was going to get teased. I finally told my dad about my fear and he said, "If anyone says anything ask them why they're looking at your ass."
Nobody ever mentioned it... not once.
Great story!
...and am here to say only that it's inspiring. Thanks.
You've done something just like that for your son. Life changing, those moments...
I do have to say You are really great at quick responses.
Great post. Very encouraging. Thank you
Anthropologist - Many thanks!
Libmom - Thank you!
Kit - Exactly. I didn't want him to feel badly about any part of himself.
Frank - You're not late. You're right on time. :)
Zul - Oh, you make me nostalgic for Richard Dawson!
Keka - That Alice Walker story is going to stay with me. What a gift it is to have the benefit of someone else's loving eyes. Many thanks for sharing.
Juli - I don't know about awesome. The teenager still confounds me. Do you have any good advice or good medication?
Cindy - You're exactly right; much of Evan's reaction to what I'd told him is because he's a kid who prefers to see the good in all situations. My point in writing this actually stemmed from something that happened to me recently. Growing up, I'd always been told by my parents that I was fat, I was a cow, I needed to diet, etc. As a result, I've always told people that I was a fat child, I've always dieted, and I've always loathed my appearance no matter what I weighed. Well, a dear friend from elementary school recently found me on facebook and shared some photos of me from 6th grade. I was shocked to see that I was NOT fat. I was perfectly trim and normal-looking. I began to wonder how my life, and my opinion of myself, might have been different if my parents had chosen to tell me something positive about my body rather than something negative. Hearing my son's loving reaction to his birthmark really made me wonder about the power of a parent's words.
Fireeyes - Thanks, but you wouldn't praise me if you knew how long it took me to figure out what to say to my teen with the hormones in overdrive. Yikes! :)
Poppi - I really appreciate you taking the time to stop by. Thanks!
I have a niece who has a serious port wine stain from the bottom of one foot to the top of the hip. It's distorted the growth of her leg, causes her walk to be off, she needs to wear orthotics for it. (Not that she does - she's a gorgeous woman and wears shoes to suit most of the time.) I know her parents never put the thought or concern into her adjustment to it that you did - she did that for herself - though her parents weren't cruel about it. Their attitude was on the order of, "It's there, you're gorgeous and wonderful, deal." She even went out for swimming in high school to force herself to deal.
Did I mention she's gorgeous?
Rated. (As if you needed more.)
(But do you know what's really tragic? I know your family better than I know my own. Maybe I should get off the Internet.)