(Actual telephone conversation with my mother today:)
“Exactly how big is it?”
“About the size of a quarter. There’s a smaller one, too.”
“The size of a quarter? With a smaller one? On your face? Ewwww!”
“Gee, thanks, Mom. I knew I could count on you to make me feel better.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just...it’s...on your face.”
“It’s not like I had a say in its location. I would have preferred to have it on my butt where no one would see it, but it just appeared there.”
“On your face.”
“Yes, Mom, on my face. I have a boil on my face.”
“Well it didn’t come from my side of the family. Of all of the people I’ve ever known, I’ve never known anyone to get a boil: my mother, my father, my brother, Aunt June, Grandma Teresa, Uncle Eddie, my cousin Gloria, my nephew Joey...”
“...your first grade class...”
“...none of my friends ever had one...”
“Alright already! I get it. You’ve never seen anyone in your entire life with a boil on their face. I’m a freak of nature.”
“My side of the family doesn’t get boils. It must come from your father’s side.”
“I don’t think it’s genetic, Mom. It’s just a bacterial infection in my skin. I could have gotten it when I went to the dentist last week. It could be an inflamed hair follicle.”
“You did not get it from going to the dentist.”
“Well I certainly wasn’t born with it!”
“So, can you see it?”
“Yes.”
“A lot?”
“Yeah, unfortunately even with makeup, I can’t hide it entirely. It’s really red and lumpy and the skin around it is swollen.”
“Really? It’s swollen too? I hope you’ve been staying home.”
“I can’t stay home, Mom. I had to go to Harrisburg on Tuesday with it and I’ve had to go to work. I’ve been to the grocery store. I can’t avoid going out until it clears up.”
“Don’t people stare at you?”
“I don’t think so.”
“They’re probably staring at you but you didn’t notice. People are cruel, you know. I know it’s wrong, but they’re still mean to people who have stuff wrong with them.”
“You think there’s something wrong with me?”
“Well, yeah! You have disgusting boils on your face.”
“You haven’t even seen them. You’ve just made up your mind they’re disgusting.”
“If one of them is red, lumpy, and the size of a quarter, I’m sure it isdisgusting.”
“Whatever you say, Mom. My face is disgusting. Now do you still want to get together today and go out or not?”
“Ordinarily, I would want to go out, but you really should stay home until those things clear up on your face.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to be seen with me?”
“No, of course not! I just think you’d be more comfortable staying at home so that people don’t make you feel bad about your face.”
“You don’t want to be seen with me.”
“I’m just thinking of your own good. You’ll be happier staying home where no one sees you. We can get together another time after those things go away. Call me next week, OK?”
Comments
And your tags made me laugh so hard. Love' em and your writing.
Get better.
Juli - Can you believe it? All day long, I've been telling my kids that I would still go out with them if they had boils on their faces. My mother didn't get the unconditional love memo evidently.
cartouche - Ha! I remember the Unknown Comic! Maybe that will be my new look if these damn things don't clear up soon.
Boil shrinking tip: hemorrhoid cream. I read somewhere that actresses do this when they have one of those huge unfortunate red welty pimples and have to work anyway. It shrinks the swelling, really does work. For lesser occasions, visine works.
Zella - Your mom was like this too? Did you stick her ass in a nursing home?
Stellaa - I agree. It's like gout or carbuncle. Quite outdated. How about "skin inflammation?" Too mild?
JK - Thanks for being happy to see me. My mother could learn a thing or two from you!
Mothers and daughters, a classic! Rated.
Kisses.
Roy - Yes, apparently some of them are quite dangerous. As I told Cindy, mine is improving. If it were to stop improving or get worse, I'd be at my doctor's right away.
Marcela - It's like a pimple on steroids. :)
You know, my family does it like this ... they use the doubtful compliment as the tool to break my spirit.
For example, on one of my last visits home, my father said, "You know, this visit's been much less unpleasant than some of the other ones."
ARGH.
Fortunately, we all laugh about these comments. And then I think of ways to get him back. heh
I don't know what to say about your mother. Women get funny as they get older. I know, I have a mother, too. Sometimes I just shake my head.
Glad to see you posting again. I missed you. Boils and all!
This is hilarious, even moreso because I can see this happening to ME in a few years! When you need help sticking her ass in the home, gimme a call! :)
btw I had one on my arm when I was working in New Orleans... looked like a volcano and turned out to be staff, so like Cindy said be aware of that possibility..
In my naturistic philosophy, boils are caused by internal impurities trying to get out of your body. I would put hot compresses on it at night to bring it to a head and let it release those impurities, (pop it or lance it with a needle) otherwise it might rear its ugly head (not your ugly head!) in another place.
As a teen ager in Alabama one came out in my armpit. Yikes, it hurt when I moved. Papa John put a "drawing cream" on it, antiphlogistine, to pull it out, but finally an MD had to lance it. Yikes. Best of luck. I'll go out to lunch with you.
Kidding...I don't want to be seen with you either.
Kidding again.
Awww, sweetie, sorry about the boils. Ewwww...Stella's right...a new name and pronto.
Hope you heal quickly. Love the tags!
Odette - "You know, this visit's been much less unpleasant than some of the other ones." Bwahaha! I'm sorry to laugh, but that comment had me feeling much better, in a misery-loves-company sort of way.
Teddy - You know, I really don't let her bother me much any more. I'm just amazed at some of the stuff she says. I like your idea of naming it because the language I've been using to refer to it isn't so nice. Thank you for being so gracious.
David - "The 10 plagues" - I love it! I keep telling myself that it's helping me to build character.
Eric - Hey! Maybe having boils will become the Next Big Trend. Everyone will want one! Thanks for stopping by. :)
Michael - Yes, this one hurt like a mofo at first, but it only slightly itches now. I'm going to throw a party when it's gone for good. Thanks for missing me, even with boils.
Jen - My dysfunctional sister! I'm pretty sure our moms are related. Lord help them if they ever need their Depends changed someday!
Trig - A volcano? Thank goodness mine is nothing like that, and it is getting smaller and flatter each day.
Penrose - Oh my; your mom, too? I hope that when I get older, I'm not that insensitive to my own children!
gracie - I'm so thrilled to see you here that I'll forgive you the pointing and laughing. :)
I recall my mother once saying, "Oh, your thighs aren't THAT fat."
I'll go out with you if you can find a paper bag big enough for my ass.
Tea and sympathy. And grins.
bluesurly - I'm convinced that some people come with broken Tact meters when they're born. My mother and your father are two of them.
Fab - Thank you for the "bless her heart" part; the southern equivalent of a bitch-slap. :)
Ann - But of course, we're the good kind of mothers, right?
Silkstone - The itching is currently driving me nuts. It's like someone keeps tickling my cheek with a feather! I'm counting the days...
Gwool - I don't think she's even aware that she's done anything hurtful. That's the part that's mind-boggling to me.
Julie - I agree. People are more concerned about their own appearance than they are about someone else's.
Mary - Ha! Imagine a naked picture of me with a bag over my head! Not gonna happen, but it's fun to consider. :)
latethink - Ah, but I could never jump off a cliff without my makeup. What if someone were to see my hideous on the way down?
HarleeGirl - Thanks for stopping by. I'll check out your recommendations!
Thanks, everyone, for not finding me too unattractive to read. :)
Marple - I know! I have a face that not even a mother can love. :(
LaRae - I hear you. Thank goodness for friends when family disappoints.
mamoore - Thanks for your kind words! Fortunately, the big one is almost gone. The discoloration is still there but it's nice and flat and I can cover it up pretty well with makeup. The smaller one just looks like a zit. My face should be completely acceptable to my mother in a day or two.
And I don't know about husbands, but clearly, we share the same mother!