Some days you don’t need to go looking for crazy. Sometimes crazy finds you right in your own neighborhood.
Take yesterday for example. I was out doing some errands and decided to stop for a coffee at a nearby convenience store. It was around noon, and the store was filled with people trying to grab a quick bite for lunch. No matter what time of day it is, you can always count on them having a steady supply of fresh hot coffee ready and waiting. I walked to the back of the store where they keep the coffee pots and pulled out a paper cup. As I turned back around toward the coffee pots, I see an old man coming around the other side of the area where they keep the cups, lids, stirrers, sugar packets, and creamers with a large green parrot on his shoulder. A parrot! In Pennsylvania! In 50 degree weather! I’m not kidding. I could not possibly make this stuff up.
The man was unshaven with wild hair and even wilder eyes. He walked slightly bent over as if he were trying to conceal something. I guess he didn’t consider that if you don’t want to attract attention to yourself, you should probably leave the parrot at home. His eyes darted back and forth as he scanned the people in the store for...what? Robbers? Law enforcement? People crazier than him?
He was wearing a red plaid flannel shirt with several stained and threadbare areas. I don’t recall what his pants looked like because I couldn’t get beyond the thick, brownish stripe of bird poop that ran down his shoulder. Now, I’ve owned birds and I know that they will poop on you if you don’t put something underneath them as they sit on your shoulder. I’ve even mistakenly forgotten to check in the mirror before going out only to discover in horror at the end of the day that I’d been out in public decorated in greenish rings of cockatiel poop. This man’s shirt did not have a little bit of bird poop on it. No. The poop on his shirt looked like it had been there for a very long time.
OK, so benefit-of-the-doubt time: Perhaps this guy’s not really bat-shit crazy. Maybe this is his official Bird Poop Shirt and he wears it whenever he’s holding the parrot. Maybe he realized that he accidentally left the house in his Bird Poop Shirt and is concerned that people will see him and judge him and that’s the reason for the shifty eyes. Heck, maybe he forgot that he even had the parrot on his shoulder when he left the house.
I was just about able to convince myself that yes, this was all a mistake. Kind of like what seems to happen to me with increasing frequency since I’ve turned 40 and leave the house with my slippers on. That must be it. He simply left the house with his parrot and his Bird Poop Shirt on.
I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. In fact, I’m pretty sure that no one could be prepared for what happened next. Mr. Parrot Man took a coffee creamer, peeled back the top of it, and held it up for his parrot to drink. Just like that. In 7-11. At lunchtime.
The parrot stuck his long, fingerlike tongue into the creamer cup and drank it up. Who knew that parrots enjoyed condiments? I could imagine it saying,What, no ketchup for dessert?
When the bird was finished drinking, Mr. Parrot Man and his bird shuffled to the front of the store and then out the door.
Yes indeed. Sometimes you find crazy when you least expect it.
Comments
She had a cockatoo named Angel, her husband a colorful macaw named Raven (WTF?) -- gorgeous birds. I thought perhaps I wanted one until I saw the poop flowing down her back. I figured there would be no way to stop that...
The creamer takes the cake, however. People are bizarre, aren't they? Just like my mom encouraging her cat to jump up on the table to lick butter (the real thing) off the butter dish. The first time I saw this, I had been away from college and didn't know this was the new protocol. Cat box stinking in my bedroom, cat slobber in the butter dish and hair on everything. My mother's comment: "The cats live here all the time, you don't..."
Different strokes, I guess -- I have NO pets after growing up in a home with ten cats, five ducks, one wild turkey, a parakket, and at any time a variety of mice, gerbils and hamsters. My sister had allergies as did I -- didn't matter, though!
So, back to your story: It might have been a permanent poop shirt, but after being in a variety of unkempt homes with active pets, I think you can consider his poopie shirt as part of a treasured lifestyle choice...;)
He was leading around a blind man, and I started to think it was the only friend he could take on a grocery store run with the parrot because the man probably had no idea how appalling his friend looked.
Why couldn't the guy just take the bird with him? Was it a penis attacking bird? Early bird gets the worm sort of thing?
This man is not a "fringe" but a mentally ill American who is thrown on the streets because the repugnicans have dismantled the "safety net". He has no home, no medical care and--worse--no medication because the rapacious pharmeceutical companies own our present politicians. The poop on his shirt are the least of his--and our--problems.
rated
I can't get the idea of a "poop shirt" out of my head. Ew. What a story.
BBE - you cracked me up. I wonder...if you got the bird and the shirt, would you feed the bird coffee creamer? Got to have the whole crazy package, you know.
Lisa - your story with the cats licking the butter is too funny. My mother's gotten weird like that with her cat so your mom isn't the only one. Gah, do you think we'll be like that when we're older? On second thought, NO WAY.
angrymom - if you didn't live so far away from me, I'd wonder if you saw the same guy. I guess it's true what they say: everyone has a twin somewhere!
Umbrella - :o)
Marple - Thanks for stopping by and reading.
lemuridae - I was thinking the same thing: coffee creamer cannot possibly be good for a bird. Aren't they lactose intolerant?
ConnieMack - oh. my. gosh. You had me spitting out my coffee when I read your comment!
Hillbilly Aunt - thank you so much for the comment. I know that you know a thing or two about "human weirdness".
Scruffus - When I had my first cockatiel, I had him trained to go to the bathroom in a little cup inside his cage (no lie). He didn't do so well while sitting on my shoulder, but I used to put a cloth diaper over my shoulder first so I didn't end up like the guy in my story. Birds are way smarter than people give them credit for.
Lea - Unreal - Did you actually hold his parrot for him? Had you been talking to him and then he asked you, or did he just come up to you and ask you to hold his parrot while he went pee? People can be such odd ducks.
Wayne - bwahaha!
o'stephanie - I'm sure that you're right. Clearly, this man was not well, and it's probably wrong of me to celebrate his strangeness when he obviously needs help. As a writer, though, the comedy part of it was too good to not write about. It certainly seems like the mentally ill among us are falling through the cracks more and more frequently. I hope that this is one of the problems we can fix after this horrendous 8 year-nightmare is over and we get back to taking care of one another.
marcelleqb - good Lord - so there's another one?
Evelyn Sharenov
OMG, I surely HOPE NOT!
Such a sad little story...humorous, yes (well maybe not for the parrot) but sad.
Winnie - I hear you. I decided to suspend my PC-ness for this story as it was much more fun. :)
Mary - I think I'm still working on that mindfulness business. One time an airplane flew right over my car, so close that it almost touched the roof. My husband was following me in a car behind me and told me about it later. I'd never even noticed that a plane was about to land on my car roof!
illiamna - Yes, been there with the cockatiel poo. You have 5 of them? Do they all get noisy when the phone rings? Mine would always REEE-EEEP! whenever I would talk on the phone.
Lisa - of course not! Only our parents get like that when they get older. Not us. We're too cool for that.
m.a.h. - I worry about the bird's longevity if it's being fed free creamers from 7-11. Aren't birds lactose intolerant? Of course, that stuff at 7-11 is probably not even real cream. Even though I wrote this story from a humorous perspective, I do hope that they are both OK.
Thank you all for reading, commenting, and/or rating. It made my day to have you share this slice of outrageousness with me.
Living in Chicago, I guess I've become used to lots of oddities like this. For example, there's a guy who roams the streets everyday that we call "dog on a shelf guy" 'cause that describes him to a tee. He has a little covered carrier around his neck and inside there's a tiny chihuahua hanging out wearing a cubs hat. Dude just kind of roams the streets everyday, not saying much of anything to anyone.
I will agree, this guy was probably slightly off kilter - I'm pretty sure dog on a shelf guy is as well. At the same time, there are plenty of people out there who just do things like that for fun. I for one, appreciate it - it makes the world a little brighter and a little more interesting, even if you find poop here and there. :)
I agree with you and look forward to a time when there is help for the least among us. Altho, I am betting he would run like hell from help because no place would take him in without his companion, the homeless parrot. The pets of the homeless have rough lives.
I stand with the pooped-upon bird owners here, having had a lovely little English sparrow named Percy in my past.
Keep up the good work, E!!
o'stephanie - Percy strikes me as THE most perfect name for an English Sparrow. :)
Long time gone from your post due to the inability to track my comments...
But, yes, Percy was the perfect name. She was sweet and obstreperous at the same time and loved me like a mother. I still miss her and plan a blog on her at some point.
Thanks for being you!