It’s my birthday tomorrow. I’ll be 46, starting the official downward slide toward 50 and my AARP card.
Being nearly 46 has brought me many surprises, not all of which are welcome ones.
For example, I used to have an outstanding memory. I could remember everyone’s birthday without having to write it down. I could recite every phone number I’ve ever had and recall specific passages verbatim from books I’d read years ago.
These days, my memory is like that cruel neighborhood kid who loves to play pranks on me. I can be absolutely certain that I put my cell phone in my handbag only to discover after hours of searching that I actually put it in the refrigerator. At least the cell phone fared better than the cheese I’d put in my purse. And oh, the lists! They’ve become necessary as breathing for me. If I don’t write it down, it doesn’t happen. Consequently, I have lists and reminders all over the house.
The further indignity of growing older is revealed when I look in the mirror. I notice little lines appearing around my lips, seducing my lipstick to make a run for it. I swear they weren’t there yesterday. Ditto on the facial hair; where did that come from? It’s Mother Nature’s cruel joke that she’s decided to give me facial hair in seemingly random places at the same time she’s taken away the up-close vision that I need to actually do something about it.
Middle-aged-close-up-vision-itis is diagnosed when you discover that your arms aren’t long enough to allow you to be able to read comfortably without requiring a friend to hold your book on the other side of the room. For birthday #46, I’m forced to confront this issue as I’ve begun experiencing eye strain. Since it’s my birthday, and I’m such a reckless party girl, I spent a few hours yesterday being fitted for bifocal contact lenses. Yes, bifocal,which no doubt must be Latin for “can’t see shit up close or far away.”
If it weren’t enough that my memory, my face, and my eyes have all decided to turn on me, my hair has apparently decided to go rogue without asking my permission. It’s like an unruly teenager, basically doing what it wants without logic or explanation. Most days, I have to ground it and take away the car keys in order to be able to look halfway presentable.
Below the neck is a whole other issue. When I lie on my back, my breasts appear determined to race in opposite directions in order to meet one another behind my back (I think the left one might be winning.)
Even my hands are changing; the skin on them is getting drier and thinner. Thanks to my middle-aged vision, I frequently misjudge when I’m grabbing for things in the bathroom and end up scuffing my knuckles on the edge of the cabinet. My hands look like they belong to an old lady who works as an auto mechanic. Not a pretty look.
While I’m celebrating these middle-age milestones, excuse me while I mourn a bit for the loss of my metabolism. It’s evidently taken off and left me for a younger woman. In my late thirties and early forties, I would gain weight from eating a fattening food. Now I gain weight simply from thinking abouteating the fattening food. At this rate, I’ll be on the Oxygen Only diet in order to simply maintain my weight.
Then there are the knees. With all of their assorted creaks, pops, and cracks, they sound like they’re working on creating their own horror movie soundtrack.
In spite of these alarming changes to my body, not everything associated with getting older has been unpleasant.
Enter what a dear friend of mine refers to as “Forty-Year-Old Balls.” FYOB is that miraculous ability to calmly say no to requests to which you typically would have felt pressure to say yes in the past. No, I cannot drive a carload of second graders on the field trip to New York City. No, I cannot sell 500 boxes of Boy Scout popcorn. No, I cannot make a gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, and peanut-free medieval Beef Tart the week before Christmas.
Regardless of the lack of mercy it shows to our bodies, the advent of middle age brings a renewed awareness of self. It helps us realize that our time is better spent in ways that we choose, rather in those ways that others choose for us. Thanks to my FYOB, I’m no longer anyone’s doormat.
In entering my late forties, I find that I can more easily find my gratitude. Having lived this long, I’ve seen enough to know that things can always, ALWAYS be worse. My hair is unruly? At least I’m not bald. My teeth aren’t as white as they used to be? At least I still have them. Memory’s not as sharp? God bless the inventor of Sticky Notes.
So maybe turning 46 isn’t as scary as it seems. After all, I’m still healthy and vibrant and fun, with an increased sense of my self and my goals. In fact, thanks to FYOB, I feel as if I’m more together now than I was in my twenties.
Happy Birthday to me! Now where did I put that pack of Sticky Notes?
Comments
xoxo
Happy Birthday!
Ann
I'd like to tell you the slide abates, but I suspect that would be a lie.
Life: the only thing we know for certain is that no one gets out alive.
I'd bet you anything that your hands are much prettier than mine. I just got moved into the auto shop at work and I fix cars for real. I love it but am scraping my fingernails away from all the grease and oil.
I bet your memory is still outstanding and I think it's perfectly fine to have bad hair days as long as you declare to everyone who will listen that your hair is merely having a party on your head.
I joke that as long as I can remember google, I am fine.
Librarians don't remember things; they remember where to look.
Develop routines--for example, I never ever ever take the keys to my daughter's apartment out of the bag I take to the city. I put them back in my bag the second I walk in the door. Always return your cell phone and/or land line to its permanent place. Remotes can never leave the coffee table.
I am very curious about your experience with bifocal contacts. A few years ago i was told they weren't good enough, and I should stick with monovision--a different prescription in each eye.
Once I let my hair turn silver, I decided that calling everyone sweetie in the most loving voice imaginable was the way to rememer their name. No one has ever objected.
I have never remembered more than about six phone numbers and I can't get my grandmother's and mother's phone number out of my head. I use T Mobil and have fave fives with pictures.
Memory ebbs and flows. Being bipolar probably is a plus. When up, my memory improves dramatically, including high school latin. I figure it is the opposite of my dad's Alzheimer's Disease. Music, smells, light at different times of year, returning to your old haunts can bring memories cascading back. Old pictures are important.
Since my parents are dead, I concentrate on remembering the things only I know. My younger brothers are always emailing me for family information past and present. As the matriarch, I have recently realized that I need to develop my storytelling talents, storytelling that involves imagination, not memory. I love the idea of my great great grandchildren telling a famly story that I created:)
I have never spent a second mourning my lost period. I don't even remember it:)
Happy Birthday to a lucky girl born in the spring.
Wait...I was going to say something, but it slipped my mind...
Oh yeah, happy, happy and many many more. :-)
(thumbified because I have all that stuff and I'm not 46)
Redstocking - Congratulations on finding true love! That's a elusive goal at any age. I love how you say, "I am every age." Instinctively, I know what you mean.
Mother - Oh yes! I forgot about those ever-enjoyable mood swings that I get to share with my family. Those are the best!
Geoff - Wow, are we related? I have that same kind of mortality in my family. It's hard to not think about it so I like your idea of "playing with the house money from here on out."
Jess - You're desperate to take away my tequila and make a moonshine drinker out of me yet, aren't you? I'm so jealous that you actually work on cars while I merely look like I do. I think you might be my husband's dream girl.
Lea - If I can grow older half as gracefully as you have, I will be a happy woman indeed. You're my role model! XOXO
Also, I love those flowers--look like spring!
This was well done---funny, realistic, funny and true, true, true. I know that I'm repeating myself, but hell, I'm 10 years older than you---so cut me some slack.
Now, what was I saying? You are who, again?
Loved this, Lisa.
Happy Birthday, you spry young thing!
Rated
Redstocking - Thanks for all of the useful, inspiring advice. (I love the "sweetie" one - brilliant!) About the bifocal contact lenses, I was told that they are currently only for people at the very beginning of their middle-aged-vision-itis, but they're likely to add stronger prescriptions with time. I opted for them anyway because the brand I tried is THE most comfortable contact lens I've ever worn and with the sharpest vision, too. I've always had to sacrifice either comfort or vision in contact lenses until last year when I opted to just wear glasses. Maybe by the time I'm 47, they'll have added a stronger bifocal prescription (fingers crossed!)
TrudiJo - Bwahaha! Lipstick in the mailbox! I so feel your pain.
Jodi - Thank you for the birthday wishes. You can be an honorary member of the 46 Club if you want to be. :)
Annette - That's it exactly. We don't have to save the world all the time. If we say no once in awhile, others will step up to do their share (as long as it doesn't involve laundry or school projects. No one ever volunteers for that stuff.)
Buffy - You do not look at all like the 40s are in your rear view! Thank you for stopping by and for the birthday wishes.
Joan - I feel like a vampire - I try to avoid that mirror! :)
That is all the "woman of a certain age" advice I have. But do remember, the alternative to having birthdays is....well, not very attractive, especially when one still has children in the house!
Happy happy happy birthday, girlfriend.
I was videoconferencing with my daughter and my six month old granddaughter. She repeatedly kept trying to grab my hair on the computer screen.
Great big Happy Birthday!!
It is wonderful that, in spite of the skin on my neck starting to look like crepe paper and the deepening parenthetical lines on the sides of my mouth, I feel more confident in myself than ever.
I think we're both pretty hot.
Happy Birthday!
Hope it's an awesome day :)
And the wise human part of you comes beaming through, too. Just loved this. Loved it.
Happy, happy birthday, Lisa.
If we don't like getting old, it beats dying in your 30's, right? =o)
This is what happens. The memory goes first. But it's okay, because by the time we get this old, we've learned how to fake it pretty well. Having a memory, that is. Or did I just imagine that?
ye gods, does such a thing exist?
happy birthday, lisa! ::raising glass in air:: here's to having a sense of humor and BALLZ!
finally figure it out (studies have shown!)
All of a sudden you'll know what you're talkin' about!
Happy B-day!
And 100% congrats on your birthday. I turned 41 a couple of weeks ago. I've been reading so much political stuff lately that all I could think of was "It's my Geo. HW Bush birthday...." which is totally pathetic.
As Bette Davis said on one of her films, "There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of champagne."
Anyway, Happy Birthday! No 25 year old could write with your kind of wisdom and humor, so who cares about skin tone? Now go have some fun with your hubby and enjoy what's left of your hormones.
I love the bit about bifocals and stinky cheese in the purse with cell phone in fridge. Yup.
And here's to not being anyone's doormat- I'm still working on that. Cheers and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
You do not look 46. At all.
And for what it's worth, I'm 28 and have veiny hands, a moustache (God bless the Nair wax strips!), the only birthdays I can remember are my own and Jesus Christ's, and my hair and I never have been of the same mind.
So, reasonably, you can just claim to be 28 with 18 years experience...
m.a.h - My gosh are you good for my ego, girl. And you called me young! Thanks for helping to make my birthday so special.
Kind of Blue - Retirement home? Hardly! Aren't you around the same age as your wife?
Lisa SW - Thank you for the advice, although I truly don't believe that you are any older than I am. Regarding the Lasik, I'd love to have that done if I had the money, but then I worry that I'll be skeeved out by watching it. Do you actually see the laser coming at you? I've worn glasses since I was 6 and contacts since I was 9. Oh, to be free of both of them!
onecorgilover - Wow! What an inspiring comment. Maybe 50 isn't anything to fear after all. I do feel that even if the exterior of my "package" is breaking down in some ways, the interior (where all of the good stuff is!) just keeps getting better and better.
Red - You are lucky to have the silver hair. My paternal grandmother has the most gorgeous silver hair. I hope I inherit it!
FromtheMidwest - I agree. The best part of aging is realizing how much of what I used to worry about is completely petty and not worth the energy.
You owe me!
Rated because I'll smell wine all night.
Happy birthday! ;^)
Because I'm an ex-dancer, I have the daily exercise habit. Because of that, my body is still (relatively) youthful. Nothing really sags and I'm still agile and flexible. That said...I totally get it about the Middle-aged Metabolism. Even with extreme dietary discipline, I seem to maintain a constant ten pounds overweight. If I actually ate what I wanted, it would be twenty.
Vision: I have to take off my glasses to read and I can only tolerate contacts for a couple of hours at a stretch now (when I used to wear them from wake-up time until sleep time, every single day). Now I only wear them for performances and "dress-up" occasions. And I can't read with them on, so have to carry magnifiers.
What was the Nora Ephron book? "I'm Unhappy About My Neck?" From the chin up, I could pass for 28. But my neck skin is getting slightly loose (enough for me to notice, though my husband claims he doesn't). When someone takes my picture, I try to stretch my neck out as much as possible. SIGH. My beautiful, ballerina neck; what happened?
Well, life happened, I guess. My mother always reminds me that getting older "beats the alternative." I guess she might be right (at least so far) but I have yet to find the compensations that all the positive thinking sorts talk about.
I will say that I agree about the attitude change, though. I call these the "take no s--t years." I don't put up with bull or with any sort of disrespect anymore. I bloody well haven't got time to waste on it!
By the way...Happy Birthday to you! May you have joy in it, and a blessed New You Year.
Jeanette - Oh the crepey neck! I never had issues with my neck, but then this morning, after I posted this, suddenly I caught a glimpse of my neck slightly turned and there it was. Maybe I never saw it before without the bifocal contacts. Meh, whatever...at least I have a neck, right?
LandP - Thank you, my friend! You're helping to take away my 50-dread. XOXO
Shaggy - The heimlich? Oh no! At least they didn't leave you there to "choke" to death, right?
Arizona - Yay, another 46-club member! I'm so glad that you were able to laugh at my post. What would we do without humor? Thanks for joining my birthday party.
Jen - Aw, you are so sweet! Thank you. My birthday party wouldn't be the same without you.
Mr. Mustard - Thank you! I appreciate you stopping by. :)
Silkstone - Oh my - Fifty-Year-Old-Balls. I can only imagine...by the way, I spit my tea out over "postmenopausal zest." Bwahaha!
JK - Happy belated birthday! Please don't jump out a window; I would miss you.
Stellaa - The fifties are sounding better all the time. :)
Brenda - Bifocal denial is pretty much was I engaging in all of last year. Thanks so much for stopping by.
cartouche - You're scaring me with the Jehovah's Witness periods, but I'll forgive you because you called me a "younster." Yeah, how about that cover? Surprised me!
Shiral - another club member! We can compare results in the boob race. By the way, I remember your birthday post with that pretty beach-scene cake. Birthdays definitely do beat the alternative.
Monique - You vixen, you! Snagging a younger man. He must be a smart one, too, to realize that us forty-somethings have got it all going on. About the memory, I tell people that my brain is a Commodore 64 and I have to wait for DOS to boot up. :)
Dharma - I haven't checked with LuluandPhoebe, our resident gluten-free genius, but I can't believe a gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free, and peanut-free beef tart would be easy to construct. I Googled what a beef tart was (because I Google everything!) and decided to use my FYOB to just say NO. Aw, the freedom in those two little letters!
Dakini - So at 50 I'll have it all figured out? But will I still e able to remember where I put it? :)
Zoetina - Thank you! By the way, could your avatar possibly be any more darling?
Z - You make me smile. Thanks for the good wishes!
Cherie - Oops! Did I miss your birthday post? I will check it out. You're right; we're still pretty happening, aren't we?
Annimal - Aren't you sweet! Thank you. XOXO
Marcela - I know I'm poking fun, but so far, my forties have been great. Just being more relaxed with everything , especially myself, has been such a gift. And speaking of gifts, those FYOB are a gift that just keeps on giving!
Deborah - You're not a buzzkill. Maybe I'm not middle-aged if I plan on living to 140. Geez, I'm still a young thing!
Critical Path - Thanks for the Bette Davis quote. Any opportunity to work in additional celebration is worth it. That's sad about your HWBush (#41) birthday. Maybe, as Leeandra suggested, you can look at it as 21 with 20 years experience.
Laurel - You're another one I'm going to pay to give me compliments every day; you're better for my mood than Prozac. Thank you for coming to my birthday party and for your very, very kind words. XOXO
Janie - I'm still debating about that 10x mirror, though...maybe there's some things I'm better off NOT knowing. :)
MAW - No way are you older than me! Thanks for the birthday wishes.
Emma - Yes! I've never felt more authentic nor more comfortable in my own skin.
Teddy - Thank you! If anyone knows humor in the face of adversity, it's you. Thanks for coming to my party.
Leeandra - Thanks for the compliment but I am really going to be 46 tomorrow. I love the idea of referring to it as "28 with 18 years' experience." Youthful, but wise!
Mark - oh dear! Wine out the nose burns! Plus, it's a waste of a good wine. So sorry about that. I do appreciate you stopping by my party, though.
Benjamin - Welcome (soon) to the 46-club! I do feel like I'm getting better on the inside; the outside needs a bit more support...or spandex and wrinkle cream.
Nelly - Oh we are far from alone. I, for one, appreciate being in such great company. :)
Dorinda - I know I was poking fun here, but every birthday is such a gift. I hope to be trading stories with you when we're both 100. XOXO
Eva - Thank you for your great comments! I want to learn bellydancing, and it's cool to hear that you're taking lessons. I figure I've got the belly, might as well use it. :) With your experience as a dancer, you're going to positively Wow them. Also,
I read that Nora Ephron book about four years ago. I couldn't relate to the neck thing then, but then today, I could see a bit of crepeyness. I hope I can greet my crepey neck with at least half as much humor as Nora does. Thank you so much for your wonderful comments, and especially for New You Year. LOVE THAT!
latethink - I'm laughing with you about the apples in the freezer. I think we could do an Open Call about the most outrageous things we've found in our freezers. Wouldn't that be fun?
Deborah - I'm writing a Sticky Note to remind myself to check out your post. :)
Bluesurly - I agree. Nothing beats a little bit of perspective. Thank you for stopping by.
Happy Birthday!
And you, Young Lady, are still a young broad. Keep on enjoying and bringing us the joy of your talent and grace.
Rated because my birthday is also March 28.
Lisa, I told some (impertinent infant)friends in their thirties that I was in myextremely late teens, last week.
This week I happened to be eating lunch with 29 and 30 year olds and almost snorted water out my nose when one said wistfully "I was ALMOST born in the 80's..." They were wondering morosely if there was life after 29. I got up from that lunch table feeling ANCIENT. Why couldn't I have sat at the table with all the people discussing their retirement plans, instead? =o)
The flowers are beautiful. Have a great day!
the 50's are great.......you young thing.......
Sandra - Muchas gracias! (dusting off some brain cells here...)
Sally - Ha ha! I feel like a man who's been caught cheating! You KNOW you're my girl, right? XOXO
Somyr - Happy birthday to YOU, fellow March28er, fellow Aries, and fellow Hermit Crab owner. :)
Shiral - Aw, girl...you did choose the wrong lunch table! That's OK. They have no idea that the best years are yet to come.
Mistercomedy - Another fellow Aries! Thanks for the good wishes ala Ren & Stimpy. :) Happy birthday to YOU as well on Monday.
Screamin mama - I like the way you think. And we ARE fabulous! Thanks for coming to my party.
Pamela - Thank you! The flowers were from my birthday last year, but of course, I can't remember if they were from my husband, my sister-in-law, or my boss. For fun, mouse over the photos; I always include a fun message with my photos which appears when you move the cursor over them. :)
Gary - are you the sweetest man in the world or the next-to-the-sweetest man in the world? Thank you!
Coyote - You figured it out! Thanks for the birthday wishes. :)
PS - I just read the comment below - okay, Redstocking, YOU give me hope!
Feliz Cumpleanos!
Pete - Thank you. :)
Steve - Thanks - I'll just tell everyone I purposely put my cell phone in the fridge to save the battery. Brilliant!
Jimmy - You always lift me up with your words. Thank you.
Susan - It's lovely to see you. I'm laughing at 51 being the birthday to dread. :)
Roger - Thank you for joining my little birthday, oops, Appreciation party.
Happy birthday to you!
You must be one helluva gal!
Happy Birthday, Friend.
A woman like you only improves with time!
And though I have yet to experience one I intend to call hot flashes power surges...
O'Steph - This has been an amazing birthday. I am overflowing with gratitude toward all of the people who've wished me well and joined in my little birthday party. I feel like the luckiest person alive! Thank you for your kind words, my friend. XOXO
Dorelvis - Another 46-club member! There are an awful lot of us. Those 20- and 30-somethings should be extra nice to us.
Prisoner - Thanks! When I first read your comment, though, the first thing that came to my mind was that I was the Number One Village Idiot, which could be true, too. :) It's all good!
Lisa - We definitely need to chat!
Roger - I am so glad to see you! I promise I'll write a 55 post when I get there, just for you.
Ablonde - Another 46-club member. We're taking over! I hear you about continuing to fight the good fight. Of course, we're getting better with age, so we will power surge through our fifties and beyond. Thanks for coming to the party!
Psychomama - Oh Geez, you sound like me with the lists and Sticky notes. They are my life. FYOB was coined by a good friend of mine but I'm sure she'd be pleased to have you use it. :)
In any case, Happy Birthday to one of my favorite people on the planet. You have been a fun and caring friend since the day I set foot in OS (is it possible to set foot in OS?) Anyway, you know what I mean. I am delighted that you got so many comments and well wishes, because if anyone deserves them it is you.
Let's spend this next year of your life kicking up some dust and telling it like it is, which, in spite of popular misperception, is not half bad. Like you say, "it could be worse." A whole lot worse, and even sort of demanding a permanent change of address, and we are just getting comfortable on this little blue and green ball with the while top and bottom that was so nicely placed her for our care.
Monte
Steph - No worries...those FYOB will definitely find you when it's time. Hopefully the boob races won't! Thank you for your lovely words. :)
what i hate is the hair growing from weird spots on my ears.
and the rogue hair? no one told me about that. gray, i expected. losing it, not so much, but the crazy tufts sticking out in every direction? weren't the first two enough?
Very clever! Hope your birthday was great!
:-)