My husband Dan and I have been married for 24 years. That's 168 dog-years or, in that even truer measure of marital fortitude, 6,240 loads of laundry. You cannot possibly live with another person for that many years, washing his underwear and socks, without getting to know him fairly well.
One of the things that I’ve learned from living with this man for so many years is that he’s unable to pass up a rebate of any kind. He’s completely powerless when faced with a rebate offer, as if the inability to resist it is imprinted on his DNA. As with many shoppers, a rebate check is the ultimate enticement to buy something that he doesn't need. The promise of cash coming back in the mail eight weeks later, long after he’s forgotten that he’s made the purchase, always seems to seal the deal.
Recently, our local hardware store advertised a certain brand of tools for sale, the purchase of which entitled the buyer to a cash rebate of $20.00. Dan wasn't going to buy them, of course, but the lure of the rebate was much too tempting.
"Look at these great tools I bought at the hardware store. They were only $40.00 with a $20.00 rebate!"
I die a little inside whenever I hear the word rebate. "Please tell me there’s not a rebate. Those things are always so problematic to redeem."
"What do you mean? It says here you can do it online. You don't even need to cut out the UPC codes. It can’t get much easier than that."
“That’s what the rebate masochists want you to believe, so that you’ll sacrifice an ungodly amount of your life and half of the hair on your head for a miserable $2.00.”
“But this one is for $20.00.” Apparently, in Dan’s world, $20.00 is worth giving up a large chunk of your life and most of your hair.
"I don't know, Hon. The last time I tried to submit a rebate online, I spent close to an hour fighting with the website and calling it inappropriate names before finally giving up."
"You gave up? How could you give up? That's like throwing money away."
"Oh come on! No one should have to endure that sort of anguish for a $2.00 rebate."
"Well, this rebate is for $20.00 so I'm going to redeem it."
"Have fun. Twenty bucks says there’s going to be swearing.”
Dan snapped up the rebate form from the kitchen table and went to the computer to enter it online. I could hear him tapping away at the keyboard. A few minutes later, the sound of quiet typing was replaced by the loud and angry sound of swearing, much earlier in the process than I’d expected.
"What's the matter?" I asked, feeling certain that a computer crash or some other tragedy had happened to cause such outrage.
"I typed the entire mile-long website address into the address bar and now it's telling me that the link is broken."
He retyped the web address, this time moving even more slowly and deliberately from key to key so as not to make a mistake.
"Son of a bitch, it did it again! The link is broken. Why would they have me submit a rebate to a broken link?"
"I'm telling you, I always have trouble with those online rebates. They make you work unnecessarily hard for the rebate money. I always give up and mail them in."
"Mailing them is too much work. You have to cut out UPC's and photocopy the receipt and the form. It will be so much easier to do it online. There must be another way to get to the rebate section on the website.”
I left him alone to try different things on the website. Ten minutes later, I heard the keyboard drawer on the computer cabinet slam shut, clear evidence that he wasn't successful in reaching the rebate part of the website.
"I don’t get it. They tell you to submit the rebate online, that it's so easy, but really, it's a total pain in the ass. I finally found the rebate section of the website, but the tools I bought weren't on there. How can they not be on there?"
"I've had that same thing happen to me. It’s very frustrating. You should just mail it in. It’s not worth wasting any more time on it."
45 minutes of aggravation later, Dan decided to follow my advice and submit the rebate form manually. With a defeated sigh, he began completing the form, filling in box after tiny box with his name and mailing address.
"Looks like I’ll have to get the UPC codes from the packages. Good thing I didn't throw them away yet." He went out to the garage to get the UPC codes off of the tool packages. Several minutes later, he returned with one UPC code torn completely in half.
"What happened to this one?"
"The piece of shit UPC code wouldn't come off the box. I started to peel it, it seemed like things were going well and then all of a sudden, it ripped right in half!"
“I just knew you were going to enjoy the rebate process.”
He pretended to ignore me. Nearly an hour had passed since he’d started working on his rebate submission. Then, another outburst.
"I don't see why I have to enter the product information again. It's already on the form. Can't they just use that?"
"You would think, but if they tell you to fill it in, you’d better fill it in. You have to do whatever the form says or else the rebate will bounce."
"But this is duplicate information. What's the point of having it on there twice?"
"I don't know, but if you don't do it exactly how they tell you to, you won't get your rebate check. It's happened to me before. By the time they let you know that you've filled out the form wrong, the time period for the rebate submission is over and you're out of luck. If you want that $20.00, you'd better do it right the first time."
He didn’t like my answer, but he’d already invested so much time in this one, single rebate that there was no way he was going to give up now. He re-entered the product information.
“Oh, what the hell? The instructions say, 'be sure to enter the total rebate amount due where shown on the form,' but there's no place to enter it! There are only the two lines for the items purchased and no place to fill in a total."
He quietly considered his options and then brightened with an idea.
“Here’s what I’ll do: I'll draw a box for the total and write next to it, why didn't you stupid fucks include a column for the rebate total if it's so damned important to you. "
"You can't do that! You'll never get your rebate check for sure that way."
He knew I was right, but the moment would be lost without acknowledging the unfairness of it all.
"I just don't get it. I don't ever remember rebates being this difficult or time-consuming to do."
"Hmmm...could the reason be that you’ve always made me redeem them?"
And that’s when I learned something else about marriage: after your partner has spent over an hour struggling with an impossible rebate form, it’s probably not the best time to remind him that you were right all along.
Just imagine what I’ll learn in the next 24 years.
Comments
But, your writing makes me smile, so thanks for that.
Rebates do work, but like you say they do their very best to scam you into making mistakes so the process won't go through. They want you to give up so they can keep the money. That's why I hate them so. More planned incompetence that seems to have found it's way into the business model of every major corporation on the planet. I think Walmart started it by accident and it just took off from there. Have you seen some of the people that work there? Sheesh. Incompetence personified. -snicker-
Rated from another rebate-hater.
Kisses,
Marcela
Thanks for the reminder about that. I will sleep so much better now.
A fool and his money are easily parted....but the bigger fool is the one who remembers every dollar that went astray.
I'm still in morning for the five bucks I lost on a football bet back in 1966, but I'm Jewish so that's understandable.
My wife sent in a rebate for me, once. She didn't get anything back. I didn't come with a warranty either. (Or a user's manual, for that matter.)
Funny!
It takes me a while to get to, "Being right isn't all its cracked up to be."
K
"You gave up? How could you give up? That's like throwing money away."
*wiping tears of laughter away*
Great post Lisa. Nice to hear your voice.
Emma - You were smart to start your husband submitting rebates early. I don't think that mine is going to attempt them after this.
Steve - I love you, but when the Feds knock at your door, you've never heard of me. Got it?
Harvey - Oh, yes...LOADS of dirty laundry. Congrats on 46 years. That's inspiring. :)
Cap'n - I'm in awe of your willpower, my friend.
Skeptic - Your comment made me laugh.
Wakingupslowly - You make me smile, too. Thanks!
Michael - I'm probably an oddball, but I love Vince and the Slap Chop. I laugh my ass off whenever that commercial comes on. I'm not going to actually buy a Slap Chop but watching Vince is hugely entertaining.
Denise - Yes, I agree; even though I have to keep re-learning that lesson.
Marcela - No rebates in Argentina? You have no idea how fortunate you are.
LandP - I, too, wonder the value of a $2.00 check. With so many banks closed around here, I'd spend more than that driving to the nearest branch.
Skeletnwmn - Ha ha! Gotta love old Bendan. I swear he was here earlier. TPTB must have escorted him from the building.
At Home Pilgrim - I'm quite sure that you're a keeper. :)
Trig - Yep. It's a successful gimmick to get people to make purchases that they otherwise might not make. Then they complicate the rebate process so that the people who fell for the gimmick have to work ridiculously hard to get the money. Gotta love Corporate America!
Maria - The thing with the cash cards is that you'll have to buy something for more than their value in order to use them all up or else forget about it and lose the remaining funds. It's all trickery.
Bluesurly - That happens to me, too, but don't tell my husband.
Walter - I think "piece of shit" is a universally-appropriate term of endearment for many of life's frustrations, don't you?
Kadena - I SO hear you!
Pete - You're right, they're absolutely gimmicks, and they count on the consumer not collecting them. I have to say that as far as rebates go, Costco's are the most user-friendly.
Eva - The only reason he wasn't irritated by them previously is because he'd always give them to me to submit. He missed all of the ugliness involved in the submission process - until this time. :)
Julie - :)
geezerchick - Doesn't that just steam you? Lately, it seems that are more and more times that the rebates bounce. I suppose it's further proof that they don't really want us to collect them.
wendy - You are so kind but I'm sure that my husband would tell you that I have plenty of moments when my better angels abandon me. Thanks for your efforts in getting that essay link to me. XOXO
Yakkygirl - You might be onto something. Nothing brings two people closer together than washing their unmentionables. :)
Bonnie - I think I would love your father.
Dr. Spud - Thank you for stopping by to laugh with me. XOXO
Sparking - Thank you! I appreciate your support. :)
Mamoore - You are always so kind. I wish we were neighbors because I would totally hang out with you all the time.
Nikki - You are so right. Hopefully the phone card gods will smile on you and you will find something to spend it on that's exactly $100.
Kelly - That's the same approach I use with those rebate cards: use it all in one shot, even if I have to pay a bit extra to cover the bill. Good luck with your current rebate.
Kirby1986Kirby1986 - Let me guess: you were sent by bendan bendan. Didn't anyone tell you that the double names is just SO 1980?
But, I do plenty of dumb things with money. Boy, do I ever.
You have learned a lot through all those years, and you tell it well. :)
This month we'll hit 28 years and when I think of some of the things Frank obsesses about I can only say the next four years will be even more interesting for you, I love you, and I am so with you on this. (Did you get the rebate yet?)
Delia - Oh, girl, we could talk for hours about dumb money mistakes. Thanks for the nice words. :)
Sally - Nope, no rebate yet. The trick is that you have to forget about it completely, then it shows up.
Rebates are the worst crap idea of marketing ever. They are not only standard manipulative marketing, but insulting to the public's faith and a scam. And I'm a marketing major.
I will never buy a Hoover again because of their rebate scam many years ago.
When there is a rebate offered.. I don't buy the product.. Full stop. Nothing is worth that kind of insult.
Thanks again for a well thought out piece!
Excellent repartee.
Victoria - Wow! Such nice compliments. Thank you! I'm glad to hear that even a marketing major recognizes the manipulation and trickery involved in rebates. I appreciate you stopping by.
I appreciate you stopping by to read and leaving such a nice comment. Indeed, being loved is the greatest gift. Thank you so much!