My kids are the funniest people I know. The best thing, of course, is that they don’t try to be. Stuff just comes out of their mouths without much effort. The downside is that you never know exactly what little verbal gem is going to come spilling out.
All three of my boys are huge fans of Wal-Mart. It might have something to do with the fact that when you live in Sticksville, USA, it’s the only store in town. More likely, though, it’s because Wal-Mart has Stuff Kids Absolutely Cannot Live Without, namely CDs, video games, Pokemon cards, candy, and toys.
A few years ago, when my son Matt was about seven or eight years old, he was bugging me to take him to Wal-Mart. Apparently, when you’re a kid and you have money in your pocket, you need to spend it immediately or suffer horrible consequences...or so it would seem.
Matt is the sort of kid that if he gets something in his head that he wants to do, he will bug and pester and plead and cajole and haunt you until you give in. I don’t mean that he’s a spoiled kid. Not at all. If the answer is no, he will graciously (most of the time anyway) accept it. Matt becomes annoying when the answer is “yes,” followed by “after dinner” or “after I finish what I’m doing” or “before bedtime”. In other words, any time that isn’t the time he prefers which would be right this minute. When forced to have to wait, he shows no mercy. This child could drive the strongest among you out of your ever-lovin’ mind. I am not kidding about this:
“Mom, is it time to go now?”
“No, we’ll go after dinner.”
“Will we go right after dinner? I mean, as soon as we’re done eating, or do you have to clean up the kitchen first? ‘Cause I really want to go as soon as we’re done eating.”
“I need to clean up the kitchen first, then we’ll go.”
“Well, what time would that be exactly?”
“I don’t know. We’ll go when everyone is done and the kitchen is cleaned up.”
“How long will that take?”
“Matt! We’ll go when everyone is finished and I’ve cleaned up the kitchen.”
“Oh. Can you not put the food on the table?”
“Why don’t you want the food on the table? How are we supposed to eat?”
“Well, if no one has seconds, we can leave sooner.”
Yeah. It’s like that. Don’t you wish he were your child?
On this particular day, I told Matt that I would take him to Wal-Mart after his father got home. My husband Dan had hip replacement surgery about 8 weeks before that now required him to go to physical therapy in order to regain his strength and range of motion. He’d only just started going, so it was a new routine and one of which Matt wasn’t aware.
Naturally, Matt asked where his father went so that he could calculate his Estimated Time of Arrival.
“Dad’s at physical therapy,” I told him. “We’ll go to Wal-Mart after he gets home.”
All of a sudden Matt ran past me, bounded up the stairs to his older brother’s room, and announced excitedly: “Ryan, Ryan! Mom said we can go to Wal-Mart as soon as Dad gets home from Magical Fairy Pee!”
We still laugh about that one.
Comments
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Marple - Thank you!
Umbrella - Are you sure you don't want him? I can ship him over to you until he's, say, 35.
O'Stephanie - Thank you so much. I appreciate how you always take the time to read and comment on my posts. I'm glad if this one made you smile.
:) Loved it!!
Robin - If persistence can equal success later in life, Matt will have a very good future indeed. You're right, though - such traits can be truly exasperating for a parents. Thank you for stopping by. I'm always happy to see your little egg avatar around.
1_Irritated_Mother - Oh my gosh! That is too funny! I remember that show and I can totally understand how he'd think that. Actually, his title is much more fun.
My four-year old granddaughter calls our new president, in all innocence, "Black Obama." And of our current president she said, "He sounds like a plant." Out of the mouths of babes.
"Oh," he said. "I could have found that."
Your post is too funny.
"O' say can you see, red bugs all over me, if you do, pick a few, and we'll all have red bug stew. Add some onion if you please..."
I honestly don't know the proper lyrics for that. I'd recognize them if I heard them, but I would lose a game show quiz if they asked me to recite it.
Very cute story. I don't have kids, but there's a guy who writes for the San Francisco Chronicle, Jon Carroll, who actually collects these kinds of malaprops, only they're related to song lyrics. He calls them "Mondagreens," from an incident in his own childhood. Apparently there's an old song with a line that ends: "...and laid him on the green." As a kid, he thought it said "Lady Mondagreen." And you know that line from the Peter, Paul & Mary song "the answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind?" He heard it as "dead ants are my friends, they're blowin' in the wind." There's a whole list. I forget most of them. In my own experience, I always think of sitting in church, getting the giggles over "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
marcelleqb - Those lyrics are hilarious. I will never be able to hear that song again without thinking of your dad's version. My husband loves to change around song lyrics, too. He made a song called "Hocky Mom" about Sarah Palin which goes to the tune of "Rocket Man" by Elton John. I won't ever be able to listen to that song the same way again either.
J L - Thank you! :)
Laurel - I'm glad to hear your flouncing days are over. Besides, you have the perfect name for being a writer: "Wroten". See? Not only did you write it, you've WROTEN it. My awkward grammar aside, it sounds like a prophecy to me. Thanks so much for reading about my silly boy and sharing your own malaprops.