I’ve been on a diet ever since I was in third grade. I’m not exaggerating. In an example of stellar parenting, my parents decided to put me on a diet because they felt I was fat. I guess they wanted to beat the crowds and get an early start on all of my self-esteem issues.
Looking at pictures from that time, I was not fat. I was tall and muscular, which meant that I was usually larger than the other girls in my class. To my parents, though, different equaled bad, and a diet was the only remedy.
Through the years, I’ve been refereeing an ongoing war between my brain and my body. Brain says: Don’t obsess about food. Enjoy what you like in moderate portions. Body says: If it’s even remotely enjoyable to eat, I will turn it into a fat cell before you’ve even left the table. Brain says: Don’t count calories, carbs, or fat grams. Body says: Count them all, baby, because I will inflate you like a pufferfish if you don’t. Brain says: Exercise more and eat less. Body says: Danger, Danger! She’s lost in the woods. Conserve body fat!
In my ongoing efforts to make peace with my body, I’ve found I can maintain my weight by eating a moderate low carb diet of meat, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and dairy. I am gluten-intolerant so starchy things are infrequent treats, as is sugar. I cannot give up chocolate entirely, though. I’ve tried. Trust me when I say that I am a saner and much more delightful person when allowed to partake of the Food of the Gods.
My family knows and accepts my love affair with chocolate. My husband jokes that the correct answer to anything I might ask him is, “Here, hon, have some chocolate.” In fact, this past Christmas, I received the following as gifts:
- a pound of Godiva chocolate (To. Die. For.)
- a three pound (!!!) Hershey bar (this will be around until the next Ice Age)
- several pocket-sized tins of Godiva Chocoiste Pearls (portable chocolate!)
- a large bag of Lindt truffles (a gift from a Swiss friend)
Now before you become concerned about my blood sugar levels, I did not eat all of the chocolate that I received for Christmas. I’m smarter than that. I shared it with my husband and three boys, a guaranteed way of ensuring that it disappears in no time (although the ridiculously huge Hershey bar is still untouched in its shrink wrap. Does Goodwill accept donations of obscene amounts of chocolate?)
Even without going crazy on the chocolate, my pants are feeling a bit snug; too much eggnog and tomato pie and those evil FatAss desserts that everyone on Open Salon was so kind to post. I don’t even have to actually eat them to gain weight. Just looking at them makes my fat cells party like sailors on shore-leave. Simply being in the same room with sugar is enough to cause me to break out in fat.
Anyone who has ever dieted for any length of time knows that there are various mind games that you inevitably play with yourself. I’m no different. One set of hang-ups, I mean rules, involves the scale: You may ONLY weigh yourself while completely naked, first thing in the morning, after a good pee, and while holding your breath. Crossing yourself and saying a Hail Mary while standing on one leg doesn’t hurt, either, although some people think that’s just plain odd.
If you need to be weighed later in the day, things get really tough. You may not eat or drink anything for the entire day, you must wear your lightest weight clothes, and you must leave all jewelry at home. Failure to do these things could mean the difference between a loss of .2 pounds or a gain of .4 pounds. My self-imposed restrictions for late-in-the-day weighing are the main reason why group weight loss programs never worked for me. The day that I was weighing myself in different pairs of socks to see which was lighter was a clue that maybe I was becoming a bit too neurotic about it.
Another mind game is the thinking that no diet shall commence while there is any morsel of enjoyable food remaining in the house, but heaven forbid we throw it out. No! That would be wasteful (starving children in China come back from our childhoods to haunt us.) Instead, the solution is to eat the food so that we don’t, um, eat the food. You laugh, but it totally makes sense at the time.
So what’s a girl to do while waiting for the new diet to start working and the pounds to start dropping? Creative dressing, that’s what. Long vertical lines are slimming, as are dark colors.
Once, in a moment of bravery, I decided to try some of those new control garments that are worn under your clothes. They’re supposed to suck it all in and smooth it all out. You know; the ones with the thinly-disguised name that sounds like corporal punishment or the gateway to kinky sex. Yes. Those ones. I’ve determined that they are made solely for little boys or extremely skinny girls. In other words, people who don’t actually need anything sucked in and smoothed out. Anyone else needs to hack off a limb or two just to get into the damn things. Of course, then you’re left with a new and improved problem: how to get out of them.
One of my least proud moments involved getting stuck in the garment with one of my arms straight up in the air, the other arm smooshed against my face, and everything else held much-too-firmly in place by Spandex O’Death. I had to be rescued by the fitting room attendant even though the Jaws of Life seemed more appropriate at the time. By the way, if you happen to see me on the street and mention this particular brand of humiliation, I will deny it. I do have a smidgen of pride, you know.
Another problem with these control garments (marketed to the unsuspecting as “shapewear”) is that the lumps that are sucked in tend to get pushed out in other less attractive places. Over the years, I’ve tolerated quite a bit in the name of fashion, but I draw the line at underwear that creates a second row of boobs when you wear it. Let the lumps lie where they ought to, I say.
This year, as I embark on my annual war to shrink these holiday fat cells, I’m going to strive for greater balance: a little more exercise, a little less food. But no matter how long it takes for me to lose this weight, I’m going to leave theSpandex O’Death for the skinny girls. I’ve learned that I’ve grown rather fond of breathing.
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Comments
The hilarity of your post is matched only by its deep deep truth. I've tried on that underwear that creates the second row of boobs. Fabulous.
I heart you. Thumbed.
Very funny!
Very funny.
My scale is under my bed. Depending on where you put it on the floor your weight changes.
I don't weigh myself anymore--too lazy.
If you are happy and can move around reasonable well, I'd say just forget about the weight.
(I am another tall girl--if I was skinny I'd still be bigger than most people.)
Rated and Dugg.
Ya gotta read this. It may or may not help. But within just me, an experiment of one, it works
Read. Ask away.
Artificial Sweeteners and their Role (Roll) in Weight Gain
Dean
rated, laughed with, feel the need to go run now...
Rated.
Mothers and daughters and weight, now there's a loaded topic for you. Thumbed.
I think Jodi wrote about some of those control garments - they sound like medieval torture techniques.
Now, I both forget to eat and forget to weigh myself, a non-technique developed through my ability to become so completely absorbed and distracted by things (kids, OS!) to the point I simply forget to fuel my body until my stomach starts loudly protesting. I also hate to cook, which probably helps. If my hubby ever comes to the point where he is home full time , I might be in trouble since he is a great cook and tents to shove plates in front of me with huge portions.
Our scale has dust bunnies on it.
Yes, I do remember to feed the kids - and my husband and the kids do a good job of keeping the food stores in check - so at least there aren't dust bunnies on the food as well.
Oh, and dark chocolate is actually rather good for you, high in antioxidants and much lower in fat & sugar than milk chocolate. Trader Joe's 72% dark organic, mmmmm.......
Now, Lisa, we've already had dinner, you can't be hungry.
You may not leave the table until you eat everything on your plate!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you were raised anything like me, those 3 sentences alone can make you sweat, swear and/or laugh. You made Me laugh through this whole brilliant post. And I'm here to tell you that at 5'5" and 115, I still do the whole scale thing, even though I'm trying to (don't hate me, it's because of the shoulder surgery) gain weight.
And about those IronManUndies... *I* can't get into size LG! Who the hell wears them? Ah, I know: the size 0-2 Anorexic Ladies Who Lunch On Lettuce Leaves and enjoy pain... hence the garment's real name.
Bravo on a boffo post! Go reward yourself with a piece of Godiva.
PS: I too have a European friend who regularly supplies me with chocolate. She's French, though, but buys it from Switzerland just over the border from her small town in the Alps. I always think it's funny to get some Nestles from her, and I wonder if she realizes I've grown up with it.
Cat - What? No tea?
O'Kathryn - So that's what I've been doing wrong - forgetting to exhale completely! I learn something new on OS every day. :)
sciencechick - You know, I'm so awful that I'm torn between thinking the shower will scrub off some epidermis OR plump up my cells with too much water so that I weigh more. Yeah. There's no limit to my insanity about this.
Mrs. Michaels - Thank you for stopping by! I'm humbled by your praise.
Lea - Oh yes. Have to dry the hair before weighing. How much extra does wet hair weigh? I shudder to think of it! :)
Amy - Wow! I've been Dugg for the first time! I have no idea what happens now but thanks.
Dean - There wasn't a link to the article in your comment but I think I know what you're talking about. There's speculation that artificial sweeteners actually trigger the release of the hormone insulin to a greater degree than even pure sugar does. Since insulin is a fat-storing hormone, the theory is that people who use a lot of artificial sweeteners gain weight without actually increasing calories. If that's not what you were referring to, though, please let me know. Thanks for stopping by!
Umbrella - I'm so glad I made you laugh. The Diet Pepsi didn't get your keyboard, did it?
hyblaean - There you go again, saying stuff I want to hear. Thanks!
Sandra - Peacock feather=elegant. Duck feather=not so much. Thanks so much for reading.
Squillo - Oh, the Maximizer bras deserve their own post. They take what you've got, compress it, and then bubble it up a bit closer to the top, once again, at the cost of taking a full breath. You've got a deal. No more Spandex O'Death for me and no more Press n'Bubbles for you.
Serial Insomniac - (very cool name!) I can't imagine how on earth you go to the bathroom in those contraptions. I guess in addition to being super thin, you also need to have a large bladder too.
Undertow - Sounds like a plan! Feel free to ask me how well (or how poorly!) I'm doing in a couple weeks. :)
PF - Thanks for the compliment, but I feel responsible for not getting the weighing part quite right. As O'Kathryn pointed out, we need to EXHALE completely. Now that I know this, I might not have to diet at all!
Shiral - You said it! I can wake up feeling thin and happy, then get on the scale and find it up a pound or two. Instant mood-destroyer. I feel much better on days that I do not weigh. You're smart to just get rid of the thing altogether.
Sally - IronMan Undies! Ladies Who Lunch on Lettuce Leaves! Thanks for the good laugh and the kind words.
Lainey - Bug parts? REALLY? I like your logic that you've never tasted them before... I wonder if reading that article would work for me? Nah.
Dustbowldiva - Spandex in a bathing suit is helpful. Spandex that prevents breathing is torture and should be outlawed. Thank you for reading. :)
Michael - Oh the image you've painted in my mind...
Cat - such an appropriate tea! How DO you do it?
David - I'm always so happy to see your name in my comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read my stuff.
You've attracted a great set of comments. I'm with Jess D. Facts: chocolate as a vegetable. And, of course, if we must eat chocolate, the darker the better: as Artfish points out, all those antioxidants! And great replies that push-up bra description is pricelessly hilarious and accurate. Cheers!
(thumbed again, for the feed)
I have posted in the past about my trevails with uh... anxSpay.
It is not enjoyable to have your lovely lady lumps protruding from your armpits.
(thumbified for ALLLLL the junk in our trunks)
Jodi - You MUST send me the link to your piece. I need to know that I'm not the only one who's been harmed by underwear.
Rated
PS: Lisa, it was warm yesterday (60's) but cold (40's) and sunny today. Way better sounding than SE PA. Happy New Year to you and yours!
Merry Christmas, Chubby!
I thought everyone and their mother (ahem!) had seen this post already. There's even PICTURES of my flaccid Spanx.
Enjoy, mon ami.
(Blogsterbation©)
And you read it already!
LOL
I used to wonder how people could know "exactly how much they weigh" and get obsessed over a pound or two. My weight was ALWAYS fluctuating at LEAST that much, every day. But it stopped fluctuating so when I started weighing myself every morning, naked, after peeing and before showering and washing my hair. I guess everyone else figured that out way before me.
Grif - Come on in! Even if they don't have to fight with control garments, men still have their own dieting issues. Thanks for the weather report. I'm going to go sulk now. :)
Mrs. Michaels - I'm laughing at your description of your husband. I guess diet neurosis knows no gender.
Jodi - Oh, yes, I remember that post! I just went back and re-read it and cracked up all over again. It was fun reading the comments after mine. Now a vent: Why in the heck was that not given an Editor's Pick? That post was hysterical! Oh the suffering that we must endure when invited somewhere. That's why I like all of you guys on here better. You don't require me to dress up.
catnmus - I would hold off the weighing until after a good poop but that doesn't reliably happen until after a good cup of coffee (I know, TMI.) By the time I've drank a cup of coffee, there's no point to weighing anymore. (sigh) It's so complicated!
My advice (it costs nothing and is worth every penny), dump any diet your on. Dump them. They're worthless. Be happy and try that first! Then you may feel empowered to just make adjustments in your eating habits that will help your blood sugar and give you energy.
No parents are perfect. They/We all make mistakes. They don't mean it, they just do.
BIG OLD BROTHERLY HUGZ.
Greg
This is funny---but not.
For the first time in my life, i really have to consider a diet---as in maybe fasting for two days a week, no wine (ever) and maybe no wheat or sugar.
I am so short (4'10") and I have weighted 87 pounds like my ENTIRE LIFE---now I'm at 92---and those 7 pounds are tough to drag around. I work out for 2 hours a day---6 days a week. Hard work outs---sweat pouring off me work outs----but I eat like a guy. A big guy. Always have. I eat health and organic and all that Southern California crap---but I eat A LOT. New year's Resolution....start eating like a girl. I hope I'm up to the task.
Have a great new year, Lisa.
Monte
http://open.salon.com/content.php?cid=42540
This a beginning. I hope this works.
The core of it is that our mammalian bodies can reprogram their responses to stimuli. We taste 'sweet', and our bodies begin the cascade of hormones and digestion, and increases our base metabolic rate. Rats fed artificially sweetened 9 calories gained weight. Rats fed sugar sweetened 15 calories did not.
Because two important responses had been shut down. One, the body stops recognizing sweet to be sugar. One diet pop per day may be the very worst thing you can do. None of the hormone cascade functions. And two; our bodies quite apparently count calories. We feel less hunger or no hunger if the count is satisfied. Those retrained by artificial sweeteners stop counting sweet calories. You stay hungry beyond what you should. Adult onset diabetes MAY be a result as well.
My own limited experiments say that it requires 6 to 10 months to retrain a human to respond appropriately.. Zero artificial sweeteners can be used. The results in one case: weight begins coming off slowly, steadily, under no diet plan.. NO DIET PLAN
And just like the sugar sweetened rats you lose weight when you utterly stop using diet anything.
The Purdue University study proved the hormonal and metabolic changes. Proved that the high calorie sugar sweetened yogurt caused weight appropriate maintenance. Proved that the rats fed the low calorie artificially sweetened diet gained weight.
The implications beyond are stunning. UNPROVEN. Statistics of the unexplained increase of adult and juvenile onset diabetes, silhouette nearly perfectly the the increases in the use of artificial sweeteners with a guessed lag of 7 to 10 years. This is not certain, but oh my goodness, what a stunning parallel to find.
I did it. I stopped using anything with artificial sweeteners. It works. My weight is slowly coming of of its own accord.
Dean
angrymom - Your friend is probably right but I'm just not an exercise lover. My greatest dream is that tell us that exercise actually kills you so I can stop feeling guilty about not wanting to do it.
m.a.h. - I hate to say it but I think we're just designed to gain weight easier the older we get. I am more active now that I used to be but man, it's so easy to put it on and so hard to take it off.
LuluandPhoebe - Yep! We're two of a kind. :)
Monte - That made me laugh! I always say that I've lost the equivalent of 4 people over my lifetime.
Jodi - Well plenty of love from me; you're one of my absolute faves on OS. You always crack me up!
Laurel - Wow! Better than chocolate! High praise indeed. :)
M B - I think some of us must have ancestors that could have survived an entire winter without any food. What do they call that - having a "thrifty gene" because our bodies save up all of the nutrients by slowing waaaaay down? Yep. That's what I've got. Too bad it doesn't work for finances.
Dean - Thank you! I will definitely check it out.
Susanne - Haha - smart cat!
Lisa - That's good news because I prefer dark chocolate. I also like chocolate that is less sweet. Dagoba or Green & Black's is good too, the higher the cocoa %, the better.
By the way ... my body thinks I've been lost in the woods for like a decade!!!
You are smart enough to turn around what constitutes to many other women a horrible cultural experience.
The fashion industry is, like you said, "a gateway to kinky sex." In this culture/industry, what you refer to as "little boys" and "extremely skinny girls," are in fact one and the same. I explained the reason in my post "Why are Skinny Women fashionable in the West?"
Real men like real (curvy) women. Read my post, "Curvy Women Are Always in Fashion."
Thoth - I did check out your Curvy Women post. If there were more men like you around, perhaps there would be a lot less weight-obsessed women. Then we'd have no need for Spandex O'Death or similar torture garmens. What a wonderful world it would be! Thank you for your kind words.
Pamela - Thanks for sharing my pain. I hope you're going to write a post about the locked bathroom rescue.
Jimmy - Now why didn't I think of that? Probably should shave the legs first, too.
Tomato Pie is kind of like a square pizza but with no cheese and a super-concentrated tomato topping. It's not saucy; it's more along the lines of tomato paste but with a richer taste that's aquired from cooking the tomatoes down to reduce the volume and concentrate the flavor.
The dough is firm on the bottom, but doughy on the top (under the tomato layer) so it has terrific texture when you bite it.
It's eaten at room temperature, which makes it great to serve when guests will be dropping in at different times of the day.
I wish ProfessorEmeritusPAB would drop by. I'm sure he could explain it much better than I just did!
And don't I know why:
It's just that you've captured the human condition in your post.
Thanks for making us laugh - it's a great way to start the new year.
Weighing in later in the day is ludicrous. Doctors clearly don't know shit about dieting.
Standing on one leg in my experience for some reason, too, ADDS weight Lisa. I'm sure there's some smart ass out there who can explain this phenomenon, but for now all we need to know is DON'T pray on one foot ON THE SCALE.
About the chocolate, I used to relate to the finish it before you eat it philosophy. I graduated to the lose it before you use it school of thought a few years ago, with remarkable results weight wise. There were a couple of things I picked up there along the way: DON'T throw stuff in the bin, DON'T cover in detergent, as these are useless precautions once the craving for chocolate hits. Giving away or flushing down the toilet did work for me ;0)
Nada - I like "lose it before you use it." May I borrow that? It's sad that dieting is such a universal activity but at least we're all united by it. Thank you very much for reading and commenting.
Scruffus - That's good to know. Everyone needs a professional disposer of chocolate now and then. The Godiva is gone (I told you sharing with the kids and husband means nothing lasts long) but the 3-pound Hershey's bar (well, most of it anyway) is still here. Husband got into it, and now it's broken up into smaller pieces in a plastic container. I'm avoiding it. I weighed myself this morning and it wasn't pretty, even with trimming my toenails, taking a shower, shaving my legs, and saying a Hail Mary.
jenshrader - Your comment made me smile!
Extra unfair because their name, Spanx, makes them sound like such fun, too!
Moana - Thanks for being a sane and rational voice. :)
I was tall and extremely skinny up until puberty--nothing but limbs and ears. My mother was morbidly obese at the time, and I got called Olive Oyl at least once a day.
Then I got D-cup boobs basically overnight.
Then I spent the first half of seventh grade on crutches and then in a hip-to-ankle leg brace to correct a deformed knee and then the rest of junior high learning to walk with less of a limp (it's still there when I run).
Then I got my driver's license and a radio station job that had me working 40-50 hours a week in addition to going to high school full time, meaning I got no sleep and most of my meals consisted of pop and take-out or potato chips and were eaten in the car or in front of a control board at midnight.
I'm 5'7", and at my skinniest (age 12) I was about 120. At my heaviest (age 20) I was 165. I currently weigh somewhere between 130 and 140. Logically, I know this is pretty damn good and that post-puberty, I have never been drastically over or underweight.
But that still does not stop me from obsessing about it.
CarolineinTO - I'm laughing at your decision to stay "oxygenated."
Leeandra - I think no matter what size we are, we tend to obsess about our bodies. I'm not sure whose fault it is (parents like mine? unrealistic ideals? media promoting a message that we're not good enough?) but it's the reality.
Verbal - Of course, you KNOW that you'll have to either send me the link to this Spandex Anaconda or 'splain it to me. Did this one make you snurfle (love that word!) too?
Elyrehs - They should call it "shiftwear" because it shifts the flab around to a completely unlikely location.
marytkelly - Your sweet comments can undo so many years of emotional damage. Thank you.
Rantingboomer - You're the best; always so kind and encouraging to me. I truly appreciate it.
Rich - Bwahaha! What a pair; a man with only one right nut and a woman with two rows of boobs.
Gary - The Vision Distortion...It's...Working!
D. Patrick - Oh my gosh - your comment made me spit my tea out my nose (you'd think I'd learn by now to just say NO to beverages while on OS.) Thank you for the best laugh I've had all day!
This was my favorite line. Absolutely cracked me up. Awesome story.
I shared this link with Lisa, gang, but here it is for your reading pleasure if you've never seen it: The Spandex Anaconda, by Vinca Minor of TableTalk, over at Big Salon.
It is a great compliment to your humor, Lisa, that I initially thought I was re-reading that immortal, laugh-out-loud-most-unbecomingly post.
SeattleK8 - Thank you - I'm pleased to have such good company as I wade through my neuroses.
Verbal - Thanks for posting the link for The Spandex Anaconda. Thanks, too, for compliment. Comparing my humor to Vinca Minor's is very high praise indeed!
Good luck, maybe we should start a group for moral support!
The three-pound Hershey bar wouldn't last until the next Ice Age at my house. It probably wouldn't last until next week. It doesn't matter that Hershey isn't my favorite chocolate. Hershey will do just fine (although, like you, I prefer dark chocolate. The darker, the better).
JoanK - We do need a club!
Susan - I hear you. Certain times of the month, any chocolate would do (well, almost...not that nasty plastic-tasting kind you find around Easter. Eww!)