Monday, June 25, 2012

Evan's Rules of Proper Parental Behavior


MAY 15, 2012 1:14PM

Evan's Rules of Proper Parental Behavior

RATE: 9
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Evan was nervous.  He was due to present a big project at school, one he'd worked on all year long.  As we were driving to school, he wanted to make sure that I understood what my role was in all of this. 
   
                "Mom, don't forget... you have to be at school no later than 10:00."
                "Why do I have to come so early?  Isn't your presentation at 10:30?"
                "Yes, but I don't want you to be late."
                "I won't be late."
                "Are you sure?  Because sometimes you are, and it's really distracting when someone walks in during the middle of your presentation."
How dare he call me out about my chronic tardiness.  Besides, every time I'm late, there's a good reason for it.  Some days the hair just doesn't cooperate in the morning, know what I mean?
                "I promise I won't be late.  I'll make sure I'm there by 10:15."  I'll show him I can be on time.  I made a mental note to leave home an hour early, just in case.
                "Oh, and don't talk during my presentation."
                "Evan!  I'm not going to talk during your presentation.  I do know how to behave, you know."
                "Well, I'm just saying that because this other kid's grandparents talked all the way through her presentation.  They were really loud.  I felt so bad for her.  I would just die if you talked through mine."
                "I won't talk through your presentation, or anyone else's."
                "OK.  Oh yeah...no Words with Friends either."
Great.  Now he's accusing me of being Alec Baldwin and playing Words with Friends at inappropriate times.
                "Evan, I'm not going to play Words with Friends during your presentation. "
                "Yeah, but your phone...it makes that sound whenever it's your move. You'd better turn that off.  I don't want any cell phones to interrupt me when I'm speaking.  Make sure Dad turns his off, too.  I just know he'll forget and someone will call him."
                "I will turn my phone off and remind Dad to turn his off, too.  Is there anything else we need to know in order to not embarrass you?" 
While I've lived through being an embarrassment to my older  children before and secretly enjoyed it (hey, this parenting gig doesn't have many perks so you've got to take them as you find them,) Evan's concern about my behavior stung a bit.  How many times do I actually embarrass him?  Is this the first step toward "just-drop-me-off-at-the-corner-Mom-I-don't-want-my-friends-to-see-you?" 
As we pulled in to the school parking lot, I decided to just come right out and ask Evan the obvious question.   "Should Dad and I just stay home and skip your presentation altogether?"   I hoped my expression didn't reveal how heartbroken I'd be if he said yes.
                "No!  I want you there.  I'm glad you're coming."    He opened the car door to get out and shot me a look suggesting that I'd better not make him sorry he said that.  
So I will go there today.  I will arrive on time, with my cell phone silenced, and will remind my husband to do the same.  I will not talk during the presentation and will avoid Words with Friends, even if I do see a tempting seven-letter word among my letters.
Too bad Evan never said anything about nose-picking. 
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AUTHOR TAGS:

motherhood, childhood, comedy, humor, family, words with friends, oh the many ways to embarrass my kids

Comments

oh, nose picking, i simply DO NOT believe you..
especially after:

While I've lived through being an embarrassment
to my older children before and secretly enjoyed it

Evan's concern about my behavior stung a bit. How many times do I actually embarrass him? Is this the first step toward
"just-drop-me-off-at-the-corner-Mom-I-don't-want-my-friends-to-see-you?"


He will keep you in his heart and head for whatever
adolescent stuff he goes thru. Always know:
you are indeed there, so ..ha..behave!
James M. Emmerling
MAY 15, 2012 01:44 PM
Your behavior is important to Evan because YOU are important to him. It's good that you can have a sense of humor about the way he chooses to express that!
Eva T. Made Vaudeville
MAY 15, 2012 05:34 PM
I LOVE this! So how did it go? (and did you find a 7 letter word with your phone on vibrate?)
Sally Swift
MAY 15, 2012 06:03 PM
He wanted you there; he just wanted you to be on your best behavior. Pretty sweet. You have great kids.
Susan Mihalic
MAY 15, 2012 06:30 PM
Thank you all for reading and for leaving such nice comments! Evan did great with his presentation and I didn't embarrass him much. :)

James - How sweet of you to only see my good side! Thanks for the lovely words.

Eva - You might be right. Evan read this piece and assured me he is not embarrassed by me.

Sally - LOL! I actually DID have a 7-letter word (Fortune!) but there were no valid ways to play it. I did study it for about two hours, refusing to believe that I couldn't play it. I did not do this during Evan's presentation even though I knew that word was there, waiting for me.

Susan - They have their moments, but you are so kind to say that. :)

Diana - Nice to see you here!
Lisa Kern
MAY 16, 2012 10:29 AM

(Originally Posted On Open Salon)
Posted by at No comments:

Bringing spices


MAY 4, 2012 9:04AM

Bringing spices

RATE: 9


I wasn't looking forward to the funeral.  My friend's daughter, Krissy, had been killed by a drunk driver a few days earlier.  She was only 26 years old.

I'd known her practically forever, having worked with her mother for over 20 years.  When Krissy was a little girl, she used to play next to my desk while she waited for her mom to finish up her work.  Her smile and laughter were always welcome distractions from the routine of my work.  As she grew older and took a job at the same company, we became co-workers.  Unable to reconcile the harshness of her young life taken so suddenly and in such a senseless way, I knew it wasn't going to be easy saying goodbye to her.

There was also the matter of what to say to her heartbroken parents.  I wanted to comfort them, to erase their pain, and to somehow fade their grief even though I knew that words would never be enough to help them through this inconceivable loss.  Was there any action at all that would be big enough?

Whenever I'd think of Krissy's passing, I'd automatically imagine how I'd feel if this had happened to one of my own children.  These thoughts were never productive.  My mind would shut down, refusing to even consider such an outcome.  If I couldn't even imagine losing a child, how would Krissy's parents handle having to endure it?  My heart ached for them and yet at the same time, I felt utterly powerless to help them.

As I struggled to come to terms with this tragedy, a friend of mine offered some advice.  He told me of a sermon he'd heard at his church on Easter Sunday.  "You know how when Jesus died, Mary Magdalene showed up at his tomb with spices?"

I nodded, although perplexed at what relevance Mary Magdalene could possibly have to the sudden death of a young woman.  He continued, "If you think about it, it was pretty ridiculous.  She brought spices, as if they were going to do any good.  I mean, Jesus was dead.  Still, she wanted to help, just like you.  When something tragic happens, we all want to do something, but maybe the best thing is to just show up and bring our spices."

Just show up.  I could definitely do that.  It didn't feel like enough, but it was something.

So that's what I did.  I showed up.  I hugged Krissy's parents and cried with them.  I sang hymns and joined in prayers.  I listened as family members and friends told stories about Krissy's short life and how much she meant to them. I cried into an embarrassing amount of tissues.

A family friend spoke about Krissy, describing her as a free spirit who had to do things her own way and in her own time.  "Krissy was like a butterfly who needed to fly free, " she said.  Indeed, Krissy would rebel at any attempt to confine her spirit.  She had her own ideas for her life and wasn't about to allow anyone else to define it for her.  The butterfly analogy couldn't have been more precise.

After the funeral, my husband Dan and I walked outside.  It had been raining earlier, but now it was a bright sunny spring day.  Birds were chirping, and I felt refreshed by the abundant reminders of life all around us.   Suddenly, a butterfly flew right into us as if in a hurry to somewhere else.  It lingered a bit between us, then floated upward, seemingly confident of its mission, until it finally disappeared into the sun.

AUTHOR TAGS:

motherhood, family, grief, loss of a child, gone too soon,spirituality, religion, belief, death

Comments

so sad.

grief is it's own process. and you did the right thing, just being there, sharing their sadness. making it easier for them to cry and to laugh and remember. you eased their burden, taking some of it to you. that is an immeasurable gift. and a bond of friendship too. the greatest.

I remember a day I was mourning, sitting in my best friends kitchen, crying. they encouraged me to talk, we all talked. and we all cried together. it sometimes come back to me, what that day meant and how much the people who shared it with me mean to me now because of it.

you were a true friend. that's all you can do.

I believe back before refrigeration and embalming, spices were used to mask the smell of the decay of death.
Foolish Monkey
MAY 04, 2012 10:34 AM
This makes me so sad, Lisa. I can't even imagine losing a child. I can't make my mind go there. But you're right, to just show up.
froggy
MAY 04, 2012 11:35 AM
Showing up is what's important. It really doesn't matter what you bring, other than an open heart.
Maria Stuart
MAY 04, 2012 04:57 PM
A fellow teacher lost her daughter in a senseless accident, also. It was 8 or 9 years ago, and she and her family are still coming to terms with it. She believes that her daughter visited her in dreams for awhile, before saying (in a dream), "Mom, I can't keep coming back. I have work to do." That was the most comfort to her of all.

I have brought her daughter up in conversation with her over the years. She has told me several times how much she appreciates that. I guess the lesson is that we take our cue from the grieving person. It may be that two months from now, a year or more from now, when everyone has gone on with their lives, a conversation about Krissy will be balm to your friend.
SnippytheGrammarDog
MAY 04, 2012 09:46 PM
Foolish Monkey - I think there is much value in sharing grief with others. It makes the burden lighter when distributed among several people. Thanks for the info about the spices. I guess I should tell my friend, huh?

Froggy - I have the same experience: I just can't even think about harm coming to my kids. It's just too terrible. Thank you for stopping by.
Lisa Kern
MAY 04, 2012 10:48 PM
hugs, me - Thank you. I really appreciate your support. XOXO

Maria - the "showing up" part was such a profound lesson for me, especially as someone who always feels compelled to fix things for everyone else. Thank you for getting that. XOXO

Snippy - following the cues of Krissy's parents is great advice. I imagine, if it were me, I wouldn't want my child to be forgotten. Thank you so much.
Lisa Kern
MAY 04, 2012 10:54 PM
It is almost always the simplest (and by simple, I don't mean necessarily easy) things that make the most difference. Krissy's mom and dad will always remember who was there, who showed up.

This is the second post I've read tonight about a young person being killed by a vehicle. What a horribly sad thing.
Jeanette DeMain
MAY 04, 2012 11:27 PM
Sometimes showing up is all we can do, and sometimes it's enough.
emma peel 2
MAY 05, 2012 12:07 AM
The butterfly ~ Oh, that's just because it was mentioned in the service ...
Sure ;-)
Kim Gamble
MAY 05, 2012 12:21 AM
Yep. Just show up. The family will remember who showed up. Years later they will look through the sign-in page and, one day, they'll be able to use those names as touchstone to their loved one's life, their own lives...connections remembered and lost, and not all of them sad. Just drifting and still connected. There is peace in that.
Bellwether Vance
MAY 07, 2012 07:47 PM

(Originally Posted On Open Salon)
Posted by at No comments:

Evan, the Cat Whisperer


APRIL 18, 2012 8:52AM

Evan, the Cat Whisperer

RATE: 16
               The relationship between my youngest son, Evan, and the stray cat who showed up at our back door in December has always been a rocky one.  In spite of Evan's eagerness to make friends with him, Mewcifer the cat hasn't been nearly as excited about Evan.  In fact, if given a choice, the cat would rather hang out with the dog versus Evan every time.  I'd watch helplessly as Evan's heart was broken on a daily basis by his love for a cat who did not love him back.
                Part of the problem was that Evan has never been around a cat.  He's accustomed to dogs and has no idea of what to expect from a feline.  While a dog will generally appreciate a robust pat on the head or a good belly rub, a cat will hiss and spit his displeasure at being handled so roughly. 
                Evan's attempts at picking up the cat were especially cringe-worthy. Instead of merely scooping up Mewcifer under his front legs, Evan would try some awkward behind-the-belly grabbing motion which pretty much guaranteed that scratching and biting would follow. 
                Mewcifer, who did not earn his devilish nickname by being mellow, makes no secret of how and when he prefers to receive attention from his human family.  Stroke his fur for too long and he'll nip.  Try to play with his feet and he'll scratch.  And don't even think about touching that soft fur on his belly.
                Over the past months, I've done my best to teach Evan about cat body language - or at least as I've come to understand it:  one ear back means he's becoming agitated and you should stop doing whatever you're doing to him; two ears back means he's already passed the point of annoyance and has moved on to seriously pissed off.  Do not attempt to negotiate or change his mind.  When that second ear goes back , it's time to abandon the cat-handling mission and seek cover because you are about to have some major kitty-scolding unleashed upon you.
                Having been bitten and scratched by the cat so many times, Evan was understandably nervous around him.  Mewcifer, of course, could feel this weak energy and would take total advantage of it.  After all, that's what cats do as part of their efforts to rule the world.  I'm almost positive it's in their contract.
                The other night, Dan and I had an appointment.  As we tried to leave the house, Mewcifer did his best to block the door so that he could bolt outside as soon as we opened it.  Again, it's what cats do.  Bonus points are earned if the humans trip over the cat in the process.
                I asked Evan if he'd move the cat so that we could leave the house without him running out.  Evan bent down to pick up the cat but then hesitated.  I could see one of Mewcifer's ears turn back and lower ever so slightly.  This was not going to go well.  This cat was capable of progressing from zero to monstrous in 2.5 seconds.
                "Just be pure positive energy," I coached Evan.  "Remember, you're the boss!"
                With that, a newfound confidence came over Evan.  He straightened his posture, scooped the cat up and out of the way, and proclaimed in his loudest, proudest voice, "I'm the boss!"
                Instantly, Mewcifer returned his ear to its normal upright position and completely relaxed in Evan's arms.
                Ever since that night, Evan is much more confident in his interactions with Mewcifer, and their relationship is becoming increasingly more peaceful. Instead of fearing being bitten and scratched, Evan has  learned to say those three magic words that make him all-powerful:  "I'm the boss!"
                Too bad they don't have the same effect on laundry.  Or teenagers.
click tracking

AUTHOR TAGS:

family, children, cats, cat behavior, humor, comedy, motherhood,finding your power, how cats attempt to rule the world

Comments

tiny steps of progress. even teenage boys can learn from a cat, so the world's ok. good one, lisa. ;0
femme forte aka candace
APRIL 18, 2012 09:17 AM
You tell the best stories. Mewcifer is the best name ever, by the way.~r
Joan H.
APRIL 18, 2012 09:27 AM
I admire your son's tenacity. I've never managed to be the boss to a single cat that I've owned. Nice post.
jlsathre
APRIL 18, 2012 09:38 AM
ah lovely. kittys are wicked. all the "haz's" in the world does not belie the fact that they are cruel taskmasters determined to rule the world.

even is dear. you might suggest to him that your kitty is ticklish but not the good ticklish, but the kind that hurts. some kittys are very sensitive. or frightened. he may have been mishandled in his checkered past.

it's always pure joy to read you. :)
Foolish Monkey
APRIL 18, 2012 10:54 AM
ps. every time I see AX cologne, I think of you and your son. :)
Foolish Monkey
APRIL 18, 2012 10:55 AM
When negotiations with one of our cats breaks down, I'm forced to remind him/her that I'm 20 times their size and I know how to grab their scruff.
Stim
APRIL 18, 2012 12:14 PM
Confidence goes a long way in interacting with animals, including humans. Good for Evan! Rated.
Susan Mihalic
APRIL 18, 2012 01:00 PM
Seriously? Mewcifer? Major points for genius. His behavior is much like The QUEEN's, our resident cat. Sadly, no Evan here to handle her.
nerd cred
APRIL 18, 2012 01:51 PM
It's such a fascinating challenge to bond with an animal, especially a cat. I can get exuberant around felines, too - I'm a huge cat fan and get so enthusiastic when I see one. My cat Ali has taught me a lot about cat communication and being calmer and such. One big thing I've learned from him and books and shows about cats is that looking at a cat and calmly closing your eyes, leaving them closed and opening them languidly communicates calm and should help the cat be more at ease. It doesn't always work, but I've found it helps. Continued luck to your son!
Alysa Salzberg
APRIL 18, 2012 02:07 PM
That's the best face on that cat, ever. Also, Evan totally looks like you!
jenshrader
APRIL 18, 2012 02:51 PM
Well told--enlightening ansd entertaining.
Sarah Cavanaugh
APRIL 18, 2012 03:14 PM
I get so excited when I see that you have posted. Always such a good read.r
hugs, me
APRIL 18, 2012 03:25 PM
So sweet. When you're teaching a kid one thing, you're also teaching them other things. To respect individual boundaries of a cat (and others), to pay attention to the not-so-obvious signals and body language of a cat (and others) and to be patient when you're trying to woo a cat (and others). Great job, Mom!
Bellwether Vance
APRIL 19, 2012 07:44 PM
Gotta love that name - double points for originality :D.

My cats on the other hand have all thought they were dogs (at least to a point, maybe it was just camo though) and behaved that way for the most part. Every puppy I've had, born or taken in, has been raised by a cat or three, voice command worked like a charm on both species and pinched toes quickly taught not to scratch unless it was a dire emergency. But then again I rarely pushed their personal space unless it was really necessary ;).

Rated for I've never made a distinction between canine and feline.
Seer
APRIL 28, 2012 07:52 PM
Lisa, I'm so happy to hear you kept Mewcifer! Great cat tale! Hooray for Evan!
Joanne Harper
MAY 26, 2012 06:26 PM

(Originally Posted On Open Salon)
Posted by at No comments:
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