(image from thebumpyride.blogspot.com)
Recently, my son and I were talking about the idea of achievement and how this varies at different points in your life. Obviously, as kids grow, their achievements are many: walking, talking, potty-training, starting school, earning their drivers' license, graduation, etc.
This
made me realize it's been a while since I've achieved anything significant
(assuming not strangling that guy making sales calls on his cell phone in the
middle of the restaurant where we celebrated my birthday doesn't count as an
"achievement.")
I
know, I know...I have managed to keep all of the kids alive, and I don't usually
embarrass myself in public (not often, anyway,) but I'm talking about
medal-worthy achievements that I can claim in my increasingly
"mature" age.
The
way I see it, anyone can earn an advanced degree or survive a jump out of an
airplane, but you need the perfect combination of age and apathy to master
these feats:
1)
I can ignore laundry piles like a BOSS.
My laundry pile is so high
that we have to place caution tape around the clothes hamper. If the pile were to fall over on a child,
we'd likely never find him again. While
I do manage to wash the items on the top of the pile once in a while, I'm
certain there are items of clothing on the very bottom that haven't been seen
since the Bush administration.
2)
I can carry five plastic grocery bags at one time and still manage to
unlock the door. This is a true feat of dexterity and fortitude.
Placing the bags on various fingers according to weight is a skill that is
learned over years of dropping said bags in the middle of the driveway. Having
to fish cans out from under the minivan is always a good time. And then there's the matter of pinched off
circulation. If your fingers don't cramp
up or fall off by the time you reach the door, it is a good day indeed.
3)
I can gain weight so easily that Sumo wrestlers are jealous of me. I
am so good at this that I don't even have to actually eat any food to do
it. My body has apparently found a way of
extracting calories right out of thin
air. Talk about a talent! As soon as I increase my exercise to combat
the weight gain, my body immediately assumes I'm lost in the woods and works
even harder to conserve body fat. As
soon as the current thin craze is no longer popular, everyone is going to be
begging to know how I do it.
4)
I can routinely miss huge areas of hair on my legs while shaving in the
shower. This one is probably less of a talent and
more of a side effect of poor eyesight.
I can't understand why someone hasn't invented glasses that you can wear
in the shower. They should put tiny
windshield wipers on them, too. Then I
could actually see to shave. Until that
happens, I double-dog-dare you to find someone with more patches of overlooked
leg hair than me.
I'm
still perfecting my ability to scold a child without saying a word, as well as
trying to break my current record of keeping houseplants alive without any
water.
Not to brag or anything, but I
guess you could say I'm a bit of an overachiever. I'm always looking for ways to improve myself!
