Going Off-Duty

I am what could best be described as a crier.  Not the kind from the old days, riding through the streets, delivering news, but the weepy, snotty, need-to-bring-tissues-wherever-I-go kind.

I cry if I'm sad.  I cry if I witness something beautiful.  I cry if someone is kind to me.  I cry at movies, weddings, and funerals.  Mostly, though, I cry at the endings of things.

In the span of a week, two of my kids have graduated from something:  my middle son from high school  and my youngest from eighth grade.  Both have successfully ended one part of their lives and are moving on to a new part.  Although I am happy for them, it was inevitable:  tears were going to flow.

I worried about these graduations all year.  I hate crying in front  of other people; it's embarrassing and makes me feel overly sentimental.  What's worse is that I suffer the after-effects of crying for the rest of the day.  After a  crying spell, my eyes remain red, dry, and itchy, and  I have trouble seeing properly.  My nose and cheeks turn red and splotchy.  Definitely not my best look.

In an effort to prevent the tears, or at least minimize them, I began researching ways to prevent crying.  The "solutions" ranged from harmless but ineffective (pinch the bridge of your nose) to the odd and outrageous (open your eyes as wide as you can.)  Right.  Try not to attract attention with that one.

Out of desperation, I tried them anyway, and still ended up leaving the graduations looking as if I'd just been to a funeral. 

Since there doesn't appear to be any way of preventing my tears, I decided to find out why tears happen in the first place.  Surely they're not there just to make us miserable and self-conscious.

From what I've read, tears do everything from washing away toxins to healing our corneas to enlisting comfort and support from those around us.  But one explanation I read in an article by Jay Efran and Mitchell Greene really hit home with me:

"Physiologically speaking, emotional tears are elicited when a person’s system shifts rapidly from sympathetic to parasympathetic activity—from a state of high tension to a period of recalibration and recovery.  Depending on the circumstances, individuals typically describe such shifts as 'letting go,' [or] 'going off duty'...” 

The authors explain:  "The shift from arousal to recovery is almost always triggered by a psychologically meaningful event, such as when lost children finally spot their parents and realize that they’re safe. Typically, children don’t cry when they first realize that their parents are gone; instead, they become hyper vigilant and start searching for their missing caretakers. It’s only when the parents reappear—perhaps rounding the corner of the supermarket aisle—that their child “goes off duty,” and tears begin to flow."

To me, that process seems pretty typical of parenting.  When you're there in the trenches, taking action and  just trying to get through something (the school year, the teen years, Algebra), you're too involved to have an emotional response.  You're doing what needs to be done to survive.  It's only when you're on the other side of whatever it is that you break down and cry, releasing all of that built-up stress and tension in the process.

Considering that my two boys are about to embark on exciting new chapters of their lives, crying at their graduations was an appropriate response.  All of that preparation and guidance to get them to this point required massive amounts of both action and patience.  Going forward, I'm not going to be needed quite as much.  Instead of parenting from the front line, I'll be more on the periphery - allowing them to experience new things but ready to re-direct them if necessary.

Then again, maybe it's a simpler reason.  Maybe it's seeing these people you love so much, these people you've nurtured and guided and kept safe, achieve something so wonderful that it's more than the heart or mind can hold.  The pride and potential of the moment can't help but spill over in the form of tears.

Whatever it is, I can't wait to see what the future holds for them.

For more about why we cry:  http://www.alternet.org/story/155447/why_we_cry%3A_the_fascinating_psychology_of_emotional_release

A Cautionary Tale About Debit Cards and the Awful People Who Steal Them

Recently, I had my debit card stolen.  Well, not physically stolen, as I still had the actual card in my wallet, but its numbers were stolen.  A person in Oregon made (or bought) a fake card with my information and then used it to purchase prescription drugs in Canada.  Someone must have compromised a local card machine with one of those card scanner things that grab all of your information when you swipe your card to pay for something.

Needless to say, I wasn't happy about this.  I was even less happy when it happened again the next day with my husband's debit card.

 

Both cards were tied to a PayPal account that we have.  I reported each theft as soon as I discovered it, which was almost immediately since I get an email notification of every purchase made.

 

PayPal was great to deal with.  I called and was able to speak to a human being, and the money was returned to my account within a few days.  Waiting a few days for the cash to be returned wasn't a huge problem since I still had the debit card to my checking account.

Two weeks later, though, it happened again - this time to the debit card linked to our bank account.  The thief spent over $200 at a Food Lion in Delaware, enough to overdraw the account and cause serious financial turmoil if we didn't get some money in that account fast.

 

At first, I felt compassion toward the thief.  He didn't buy drugs from a French Canadian pharmacy; he used the card at Food Lion.  I imagined him similar to us, living paycheck to paycheck, and struggling to make do with income that's never enough.  The thief probably doesn't want to steal but is forced to in order to feed his family. 

My oldest son straightened me out.  "He probably bought liquor, Mom.  Something he can re-sell for cash.  That's what those people do." 

So much for compassion.  If I could, I would've hunted him down and given him a stern lecture about how despicable it is to steal.  Then I would have kicked him in the groin - HARD - so he remembers.

I called my bank who told me that they wouldn't be able to return the money for ten days to two weeks.  Apparently debit cards work differently from credit cards.  With a credit card, the card is killed and you're not responsible for any charges.  A stolen credit card also doesn't tie up funds in your bank account while the fraud is being investigated.  With a debit card, you could be held responsible for a portion of the charges if you don't discover them right away, plus you're without the money that was stolen.

 

Fortunately, I discovered the fraud right away.  I'm always so broke that I check my account every day to make sure nothing surprising came out that would topple our financial house of cards.  This loss of over $200 definitely qualified as a surprise!

Thanks to this terrible person who stole from us, we had to borrow the funds to cover the amount that our bank account was in the hole so that nothing would bounce, and then not spend any money until pay day.  No food, no gas, nothing.

Apparently, this type of theft is becoming increasingly more common, even in tiny towns such as mine.  Our technology is so outdated that nearly anyone with criminal intent can steal our credit and debit card information by compromising the card swipe machines.  Until technology improves, we are all vulnerable.

In our situation, the thefts likely happened a local grocery store.  We're now using checks when we food shop and cash at gas stations to prevent this from happening again.  Any place with unattended credit card machines, such as food stores or gas pumps, is a prime target for thieves to insert their number skimming devices.  Since ATM machines are also frequently compromised, it's best to get cash directly from the teller at the bank.

One good thing in all of this is that the less we rely on the plastic in our wallets, the more money our local merchants get to keep.  They won't have to pay the surcharges imposed on each transaction, whether debit or credit, by the credit card companies.  Each time we swipe our cards, that merchant pays approximately 3% of the purchase amount to the credit card companies - a significant amount, especially for small businesses.  By paying cash or using a check, the merchant won't have that expense, which will help to boost our local economy even more.

For more information about unauthorized use of credit or debit cards: 

http://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/unauthorized-credit-debit-card-charges-29654.html

http://www.usa.gov/topics/money/banking/atm-debit.shtml