To say that things have been rather eventful in the Kern household lately would be quite an understatement. First, we had major water damage in our kitchen. A pipe leaked inside the wall between our kitchen and bathroom and seeped underneath the floor tile in the kitchen. To get the water and rot out of there, we now have to gut our entire kitchen. To further complicate things, my father and two other family members died in the same week of unrelated circumstances. It's to the point where we're all afraid to answer the phone for fear of learning that someone else has died.
So, in the midst of dealing with all of that, I've been busy calling our mortgage company every few days trying to convince them to release the first of our insurance claim funds. Did you know that if you have a homeowner's claim, you have to send the insurance company's check to your mortgage company? That's how it happens these days. The mortgage company deposits the claims check into their own bank account and doles out the money to you in thirds. This would be OK if they actually had a sense of urgency about getting the money to you so that you could complete the repairs. Instead, they delay the entire process until you realize that you've been breathing mold for nearly two months while they’re still sitting on your money.
A lesson for young people: be sure to buy your house in cash so you don't have to deal with these clowns.
You know that feeling where you're quite literally at the end of your rope and you don't know what to do? You're so angry you could strangle someone, but at the same time, you could just as easily fall to the floor in a heap and cry for a week? That's where I'm at. The crazy could go either way.
Knowing that Dan and I are in a mighty fragile mental state right about now, I felt it my motherly duty to warn the kids that they'd better be on their best behaviors.
The other morning, while all three kids were together, I called a family meeting.
"So, you guys know that things have been kind of tough around here lately for your dad and I, right?"
"Yeah," they said in unison.
"Well, I want you boys to be on your best behavior until we get through all of this family and kitchen stuff, OK? " They nodded, but I wasn’t sure they really understood what I was saying.
"That means you are not to wreck any vehicles. You are not to get into trouble of any kind. You are not to harm yourselves or anyone else. You are not to get injured and need hospitalization. I don't want to get a call from anyone's principal. I don't want to get a call from any of your friends' parents. I certainly don't want to get a call from a police officer. You will go to school and work and home again without incident. Do you understand?"
"Yeah," they said, but quite somberly this time.
"I hope you do, because if you guys do one thing to add to your father's and my stress levels, you are going to throw us right off the edge. If that happens, you'll become orphans and you'll have to go live with some bearded woman with no teeth who has twenty-seven cats and only serves canned SPAM and peas for dinner. You don't want that to happen, do you?"
They all assured me that they would do their best to keep out of trouble while their father and I sort this stuff out.
Well, almost all of them. My son Matt got up from the table and grabbed his backpack to get ready to leave for school. On his way out the door, he called out cheerily:
"Bye, Mom! I'm off to school to get detention, so expect a call from my principal. On my way there, I'll be sure to run over as many people as possible and then wreck my truck. I know how much you love insurance claims."
It's a good thing he moves a lot faster than I do.
One more lesson for young people: don't have teenagers.
