AMA: Against Mom's Advice

My son has a friend who wears shorts and t-shirts all winter long.  This kid claims that his body temperature is always so high that he doesn't get cold.  He says he doesn't need to wear a coat, either.  I don't know if it's true that he has some miraculous metabolic way of keeping warm, but I've never seen the kid shivering or looking at all uncomfortable.

When I volunteer at my son's school and see this boy outside at recess, I know I can count on hearing at least one other mom make a comment about the way he's dressed.  "How can his mother let him out of the house like that?" she'll ask, only to follow up with "I'd NEVER let my child dress that way in this weather!"

What she's not considering as she questions the parenting skills of this young man's mother is that he is a teenager and her own child is only in first grade.

 

In my experience, there's a big difference in how you parent a teenager versus a six-year-old.  For starters, a six-year-old is small enough that you can pretty much put a coat on his body for him.  Of course, that kind of action isn't usually necessary since six-year-olds are generally agreeable creatures who want to please everyone.  Not so with teenagers.  Teenagers are desperate for independence and will take any opportunity to display it regardless of who it may displease.

 

The most crucial difference between parenting teens versus young children is that the stakes for teens are so much higher.  Getting a teen to realize that fact can be exasperating.  While we may try every trick in the parenting book to persuade a child to clean his room, no one is harmed if the room stays messy.  The behaviors competing for a teen's attention, though, have the potential to be deadly. Matters involving sex, drugs, or alcohol are non-negotiable, but a messy room isn't worth the same degree of passion and conviction as convincing a teen to never text while driving.

 

Parents of teens are forced to choose their battles and that often means not sweating the small stuff.  These parents have learned that they must reserve their parental energy for the most critical issues in their teen's life.

 

Many times, all that's needed is a dose of tough-love.  The teen years are a perfect time to allow the child to experience the consequences of his own actions.  You didn't clean your room?  You're going to have trouble finding anything.  Didn't do your homework?  Have fun explaining that to your teacher.  Don't want to wear a coat?  Surprise - you're going to be cold.

 

With my own teens, the not-wearing-a-coat thing still makes me crazy even though I know it's a behavior that only affects them.  I'll remind them of how cold it is outside and suggest that they might want to wear a coat, but I can't make them do it.

Nonetheless, I sometimes wish I could pin a note on their clothes that says, "I'm dressed this way against my mom's advice."  They won't be any warmer but I'd feel a whole lot better.