The Cat and Dog Train Me to do Their Bidding

I have finally figured out my purpose in life.  Although this realization took some time, today showed me with remarkable clarity the true reason for my existence.

Because of my ability to grasp doorknobs, I have apparently been entrusted with an all-important task: I am sentenced to cater to the ever-changing whims of my dog and cat and the 9,347 times that they must go outside each day. 

They do not bug the kids.  Oh no.  They save their most persistent neediness for me.

Take this morning, for example.  Within the first half hour of waking up, this is how my day went:  I let the dog out.  While she was outside, I fed her, the cat, and the goldfish.  I then let the dog back in to eat.  I heard the cat meowing outside the back door, so I let him in too.  The cat ate his breakfast and wanted to immediately go back outside so I let him out.  The dog, evidently feeling slighted by all of this letting-outside-business, decided that she needed to go back out, too, and the sooner, the better.  I have no idea why such urgency.  Did she forget something out there?  Just in case she was brewing a stomach virus, I hurried to let her out again.

When I returned to the kitchen to make my coffee, I could hear the cat outside the back door, crying - actually, more like wailing - to come inside.  He'd been outside for a whopping three minutes.  Judging by the way he was carrying on, you'd think he'd been out there suffering, with no food or drink, for HOURS.  No sooner had I let the cat inside, the dog was scratching on the front door to come in. 

Do I even need to tell you what happened next?  Right.  The cat wanted out.

This was all before I'd had my first sip of coffee. 

Medical experts say that having pets is good for your blood pressure.  I think what they meant to say is that having pets is good for developing high blood pressure.  In my experience, it's also good for angry outbursts, profanity, and illogical attempts at reasoning with animals.

Tomorrow I'm going to stay in bed until the kids get up.  It would be a shame to keep all of this early morning pet bonding time to myself.