The Cat Issues His Demands

Attention, humans.  It's me, the cat.  Lately I haven't been as comfortable in your house as I would like to be.  Since you are responsible for my complete and total happiness, I am bringing this matter to your attention.  Additionally, I know that your life would be meaningless if I were to leave, and since you lack the superior intelligence of a feline, here is a list of things that will require immediate improvement before I can consider remaining in your house. 

First of all, I've grown tired of the meat-like substance that you are trying to pass off as food.  It does not suit my palate at all.

Every day, it's the same old Ocean Surprise or Turkey and Giblets.  Yawn.  If you weren't such a dog person, you'd know that I actually prefer the more refined tastes of, say, Field Mouse or House Sparrow.  Until this can matter can be rectified, I will refuse to eat the rations that you place in my dish.
Next, there's the matter of where I sleep.  I am beyond weary of you removing me from your office chair.  Can't you understand that I require eighteen hours of sleep each day and that your chair is where I prefer to have it?  There is nothing in your boring human world that is worthy of my disturbance.  Nothing. 

And can you please do something about the dog?  I do not enjoy being sniffed by that slobbery creature from head to tail every time I walk in a room.  I mean, have you seen the places she likes to smell?  It's rude and offensive, and I won't stand for it a minute longer.

 

 

 

The dog also insists on hogging all of the sunshine in the living room.  Since she is too obtuse to realize it, you must convey to her that I require maximum sunlight exposure for my optimal comfort.

In addition, I demand that you remove all doors in the house.  I need to be able to move freely between rooms in order to satisfy my curious feline impulses.  A closed door is an insult to one who is as dignified as I am.  Remember that.


One last thing:  if I happen to bestow upon you the honor of having me sleep on your neck, you shall not complain nor attempt to move me.  You must recognize my presence on you as the privilege that it is.  Again, let me remind you that nothing is more important than my comfort and happiness.  You should be grateful that I allow you near me at all.


I trust that I've made myself clear.  I look forward to your prompt resolution of these abominations. 


Sincerely,

 

The Cat whom you call "Mewcifer"

 

 

**all photos by Lisa Kern